Am I bad daughter?

[LavenderSession]

I don't think I am, but let's hear your opinions.

I found out last week that my mother is in rehab. She's been drinking and shooting up heroin the last 3 months. Prior to this, she was clean and sober for 7 years. She not only relapsed, but she also stole checks from one of her sponsees and $3,000 from another sponsee. She did not tell me this, but my sister did. I did talk with my mother last week, and as always, she did not take reponsibility for her actions. Honestly, I don't know if I have the patience to deal with this....AGAIN.


So here's what I am thinking: she says she is saving up money to come out here. Who's money she is saving, I am not sure, but I don't think it's hers cause she doesn't have a job. She wants to be here for the when the baby is born. But somehow, I have this deep nagging feeling she will want to stay here for a very long time. Honestly, I don't want her here. I don't feel like she is welcome and I am damn sure not gonna let her use me and Brent like she has used everyone else. Also, she did not go to my nephew's birth. It was her first grandchild and she was not there and she basically ignores his existence. She never ever calls my brother. Well, just like I don't want my dad treating my nephew anymore special than he treats my child, I don't want my mother to treat my child any more special than she treats Kaleb. Does that make sense? So, I think I am going to write her and tell her she should not come out here for the birth of my child. Look, she has come in and out of our lives when she has seen it as convenient to her. I will not put my child through that. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[Amy!]

You're not wrong for thinking that way. I have a friend in a similar situation, her son is 3 now and his grandmother explains that she's in rehab to him. Or tries to, and leaves it up to his mom to deal with the repurcussions of having an in and out grandma. When she's there and clean, it's great. When she's there and using everything has to be hidden from her and she's a danger to the kid. When she's not there, mommy has to explain in a nicer way than grandma did that grandma has problems.
Try to be diplomatic if you don't want to lose her forever, but you need to make sure you and your baby are in a comfortable situation in the beginning, you don't need any extra stress. Especially an unwanted houseguest.

Good Luck!
when are you due and stuff? I haven't heard any good details from you :)

[LavenderSession]

A 3 year old is too young to understand rehab don't ya think? And I don't know if I could deal with my mom explaining to my child that nothing is her fault and she is just a victim of the world...:r

I'm due Feb. 16...and next week I get my ultrasound. I am sooo excited about seeing our little jitterbug! So is the boyfriend. And I caught him looking at diamond rings the other night....so we'll see. :)

What else would you like to know? :)

[Amy!]

woohoo for you!

Are you gonna find out the sex? can you do that this early:t What does your dad think?

Anyway, yes, starting out with the world is keeping me down philosophy may not be the best idea. And yes, having a three year old tell you his g-g-ma is in rehab because of bad needles is very scary. So, do what is best for you and the jitterbug.

[ej]

<FONT FACE="century gothic, verdana, sans serif" COLOR="#222222">
You're not wrong. Your mom's addictive behaviour has the potential to make her a danger not only to herself, but to you and your child as well. Why risk that sort of thing?
</FONT>

[jan]

No, you are a bad daughter but a good mom for looking out for what will be in the best interest of your child. Since she is no taking responsibility for any of this, I am sure a relapse is quite possible and that is not something you need in your home with a newborn.

[angeles]

Nope, I don't blame you for mistrusting her... It's just a fact of life your mother is going to have to deal with. She made her bed, now she's the one who has to sleep in it. She's the one who is alienating herself from everyone else with this drug problem. I do hope that your mother does get better though. What a horrible way to live.

-angeles

[Scarlet_Sangria]

your not a bad daughter...
you are watching out for yourself, brent and the baby


YOu have every right to say you dont want her there.
and you should not feel to bad..





I have tried to call you a couple times you guys are not there.... sorry we have not talked in awhile. that is exciting about the diamond rings.. :)

[Ryoko!]

no, you are not a bad mom at all. I can seriously relate to what you are going through right now. My mom is also a drug addict, and when i was first pg. she had plans to come up for the birth. I was raised by my parents, who are both mentally ill and emotionally unstable people. I walked around my house like I was walking on thin ice, all the time.

A 3 year old is too young to understand rehab don't ya think? And I don't know if I could deal with my mom explaining to my child that nothing is her fault and she is just a victim of the world...

ug. I so understand that feeling. I swear to god maybe our moms are related or something. I used to be mad at her, I mean I even told her to stay out of my life at one point, I just couldn't handle her anymore. Now i feel sorry for her, it must suck living your life thinking that way. She used to call me up at all hours of the morning to tell me how hard that I made life on her.
:r

So anyways, long story short i had to put my foot down, like I would a little kid, and I told her I didn't want her comming anywhere near my family. I still talk to her on the phone, but I deal with her on MY terms now. She's tried to cross the boundaries a few times but I've managed to keep her away from my husband and me except on the phone. I had to deal with being my own mom all my life, she can't just march into my life now and pretend nothing happened. If she wants to be in MY life it's on MY terms, or not at all. I have a son to protect now, and I have to protect him from being exposed to the things that i was exposed to when i was growing up. Her feelings don't matter to me in the slightest anymore. You just can't make everyone happy, do whatever it is you need to do. Your not just a daughter anymore, your a mom now, and you can't second guess yourself about things you have a gut feeling about.


and let us know about the ultrasound :)!!!!!

[LavenderSession]

Thanks guys.

My boy and I had a looong talk about this last night. It's funny that you should say she has be in your life on your terms, Ryoko! cause that's exactly how I feel about my mom now. You know, it's funny, but now I understand why my dad never wanted me to see her or have anything to do with her. Hindsight is 20/20!!

Amy, my dad and stepmom don't know yet. But I have a very good reason for not telling them so far. Everytime I talk to them, they piss me off. lol Well, my stepmom pisses me off, anyway. We will find out the sex, I hope!!

I'll let you guys know how it goes!!

[Spacegrrrl]

Originally posted by Neuromancer
<FONT FACE="century gothic, verdana, sans serif" COLOR="#222222">
You're not wrong. Your mom's addictive behaviour has the potential to make her a danger not only to herself, but to you and your child as well. Why risk that sort of thing?
</FONT>

I agree with this completely.
Not only that, but maybe the idea of not being in her grandchild's life will give her a REASON for getting clean again, you know? Maybe not. But you can always hope, right?