Adoption

[Adam]

Has anyone here adopted? Or are you adopted yourself?

I read enough books to know the ins and outs of adoption but I believe there is nothing better than real advice from people who have actually been through it. Does anyone have any resources for people interested in adopting?

I know it's fairly easy to get a foster child but a lot of those children have special needs and I'm not sure I would be the best person to raise a special needs child. They almost never have babies either and I'd want a baby, under a year old. In New Orleans, most of the foster kids are black. I want a cacuasian child. It's not a matter of racism at all, I just don't want my kids life to be any harder than it has to be. (answering why he has two daddies is hard enough I'm sure, without adding why he's a different color/race)

I hate not being able to talk to my friends about this because they're all in school and interested in partying all weekend long. I'm not in school and I'm financially secure enough to have a child.

I've wanted a baby since I was old enough to understand how much work they are. Now that some of my older friends are getting married and having kids I really feel like I'm ready. I see how happy everyone is with their kids and I want that.

So if anyone can help me It'd be much appreciated.

Thanks :)

--Adam

[courey]

I don't know anything about it myself, but Cirusgirl adopted, and I know entropy and her husband are/were preparing to adopt.

[Sheri]

Hi Adam,

My aunt an uncle adopted a daughter and are in the process of adopting her a brother right now.

I will ask her for some adoption resources and post them....:)

[PotatoFace]

Adam, that is a wonderful selfless thing you are thinking about doing. We need more people like this in the world.

You could always call up social services and get the ball going. Do you know if the state that you are in alows gay people to adopt? I hope so. I live in florida where they tried to take two little girls away from their daddy's because they were gay. These children had such bad problems and these men took them into their home and turned them around completely. They could only foster them at the moment as Florida law prohibit gays from adopting. But thank god the judge sided for the men.

[Fray]

My boyfriend is adopted. He went to his new family at 6 weeks old, so he has never known anything other than his adoptive parents. He has always known that he is adopted though, from a very young age. I admire his parents for doing that as it saved a conversation later on about how he wasn't actually related by blood.

My boyfriend was in a serious accident about 5 years ago and needed a lot of blood. The hospital asked him if any of his family would be willing to donate blood to him if they were compatable. He told me that had he not known he was adopted and wondered why his parents or family could not give him blood, it would have made things a lot harder. He is glad he has always known.

He does not wish to find his biological mother (at times he considers it, but its mostly not what he wants). His parents are also open about if he wants to contact her, they will support him. Of course it depends what type of background the child is from as to whether or not this would be possible.

These are two big issues concerning adoption; if you would be ok with the child growing up and wanting to find biological family and if you would tell them they were adopted.

I think what you are proposing to do is very considerate of you, and you certainly sound ready. [hugs] I wish you all the luck in the world. :) I would suggest researching the idea on the internet and contacting the main adoption agency for your state.

Good luck! I really admire what you are doing!

[empresskara]

I am adopted. I was adopted at about 6 weeks old. I don't remember the foster family I lived with but I guess they were really great. (My biological aunt knew them and told my b-mom that they have tons of pictures of me.) I have a wonderful adopted family that I am very close to. I also have gone through the whole process and found my whole birth family. I've done this just very recently, but it's been a very rewarding experience so far.

For a good adoption resource, www.adoption.com is the best one I've found. Also, if you have any questions about any part of the process, you can PM or email me and myself, and both my mothers are more than willing to share our experiences with you.

I could talk about this all day, so I won't bore you, but I am more than open with people about everything, so ask any questions!

email: empresskara at yahoo

[Adam]

Thanks everyone, I opened a new window of the same page so I can address everyone.

StupidGirl (well this seems an awful way to start off): To the best of my knowledge gay adoption in Louisiana is neither permitted or prohibited. I'd have to get in touch with a lawyer to get more details on whatever the hell that means

Originally Posted By Greg Franklin

To the best of my knowlege, adoptions by Gay and Lesbian parents is not expressly permitted or prohibited in Louisiana. My best advice, since aAdoption laws vary from state to state, is that you speak with an attorney in Louisiana who is familiar with adoption-related issues; I would be happy to recommend local counsel if you would like me to, or check out the site of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys at
www.adoptionattorneys.org. for some members in your area.

Of course, if the adoption is a problem in Louisiana, you might be able to adopt a child in a more friendly state or country, and just bring the child home with you.

Please let me know if you have any questions and if I may be of any assistance.

Greg Franklin

I like how I rewrote exactly what he said.

I remember the deal with the Florida men. That's terrible. I don't think any group of people are a better or worse parent because of what they practice.

I guess it'd only be a big deal if I was adopting with my partner, which I'm not. So I can fake being straight.

Abi: Situations like that would want me to tell the child from a young age, however another part of me wants to wait until he's old enough to understand what it really means. I don't know how I would have reacted as a child if my mom told me she wasn't really her mom. Another part of me doesn't want my child to resent me for keeping his adoption secret until he's older. *shrug*

Kara: How old were you when you found out you were adopted? Do you think you would have reacted differently/been more/less inclined to find your biological family if you had know earlier/later (lets see/how/many/"/"i can put in/one/question/!)

It's not boring at all, I'd love to hear more. I'll try to send you an email later on in the week.

Courey and Shaw: Sorry I forgot about you two. Thank you for the information. Shaw, I look forward to reading over what you post.


Thanks everyone, you've been most helpful.

[by the woods]

I was adopted when I was 5 days old. My parents used to tell me the story of how they got me as a bedtime story. They never had "the talk" with me about being adopted so it never seemed like a big deal. My brother, who is two years younger than me, is my parents' biological child. The doctors found the reason my Mom couldn't get pregnant (benign tumor which was removed) and 3 months later she was pregnant with my brother. I never remember feeling that I didn't belong or anything. My parents always said how they worked so hard to get me and how special I was to them. My friend found out in high school that she was adopted. Her parents told her when they felt she was "old enough to handle it" and it turned into a big mess. My parents never made me feel that being adopted was any type of secret and it was always discussed openly in my house. I really think that made a big difference.

[courey]

Well, I certainly wish you luck :)
A person who has love and guidance to give to a child should be allowed to give it; gay, straight, or purple.

[Clementine]

Well, I certainly wish you luck :)
A person who has love and guidance to give to a child should be allowed to give it; gay, straight, or purple.
agreed!
it irks me to no end when i hear anyone saying someone shouldn't be a parent because they're single, gay, too young, too old, whatever.
my mom raised me as a single parent from the time i was nine, and we had a much better time on our own. :D

[empresskara]

I definitely agree with By The Woods. It's more a big deal if it's kept a secret.

I've always known. My parents would just say things like "We are so glad we adopted you." It occured to me one day to ask them what that meant. They explained it to me. They've always been very open, answering my questions, and always shared information with me. They did the same with my brother. When I was in my teens, my mom gave me a paper with all the info she had on my birth parents. Then when I turned 18 she gave me a letter my b-mom had written to her. I must've asked more questions then my brother did, b/c she didn't give my brother his paper with all the info until he was 18 or 19.

I know quite a few people who didn't find out til they were older, and it really effects them. Even ones as young as 7. I know one boy who killed himself when he found out after he turned 18. No matter what, I would definitely say it is much better to tell them right off the bat and act as if it's normal. It's nothing to be ashamed about and keeping it from them will just make them think it is shameful.

I don't know if I would've felt differently about trying to find my birthfamily. I think it has more to do with individual adoptees. Case in point; my brother and I. I've always wanted to know. He never has. He had his birthmom contact him and he still doesn't know quite what to do. And he and I had similar childhoods, at least in terms of family. We had very different childhoods in school. (I tell him he went to a completely different high school than I did. We did go to the same school, same building, etc, but our experiences were SO different.) I really couldn't say what I would do if things were different for certain, but I do feel like it probably either wouldn't have changed my feelings, or only would've made me want to find them more.

I look forward to talking to you more about this! :)

[empresskara]

Abi: Situations like that would want me to tell the child from a young age, however another part of me wants to wait until he's old enough to understand what it really means. I don't know how I would have reacted as a child if my mom told me she wasn't really her mom. Another part of me doesn't want my child to resent me for keeping his adoption secret until he's older. *shrug*


I think this is one of the big misconceptions. The "old enough to understand" thing. This really isn't a hard thing for a child to grasp. It's much harder for an adult to grasp at because our logical and emotional senses of self get all wrapped up. You run much more of a risk of scarring a child by waiting. I really can't stress it enough. Especially if the child hears it from someone else. The best thing, is to always be truthful with them. Otherwise they will see the lie for what it is and it can possibly completely destroy their sense of self and their sense of you as a parent.

[Circusgirl]

Adoption is a beautiful option:)
I'm an adoptive Mom of a beautiful African American girl. I've had her since she was 9 days old. Adopting transracially has opened my eyes to a world I never knew and has enriched my life immensely. It has pushed me to be more open, more aware and to seek out people and experiences that will enrich my daughter's life. The agency I used definitely works with gays. Many single men adopt through them..they are located in Chicago and place biracial and AA children. I think that it is also fine if you would rather have a child that shares your ethnicity..I can certainly understand that.
I went to a conference this past weekend devoted to single adoptive parents..it was so awesome. I did meet a wonderful gay man who is raising a son he adoption through the state..he has had him since birth. I was really awed by this guy because he has no family and is really doing it on his own...the whole conference was amazing really.
I also believe in being open and have told my four year old the story of how my sister and I flew on a plane to get her, etc. I'm holding off on a lot of birthmother talk, though...sometimes I think that part is overdone and little kids really can't figure out the two mothers thing. One of my friend's kids started having nightmares that his "other mother" was coming to take him away...kids under 6 or 7 are just so irrational.
Adoption.com is good
Rainbowkids.org
PACT
yahoogroups has a lot of adoption lists
Good luck with your decision.

[Sheri]

Adam,
My aunt's experiences are probably not the most informative for you to hear...she adopted from Guatamala and is in the process od adopting from there again...

It's a very long, drawn out process. Picking up the child is *shady*, and most of the time you do not get a newborn (nor do you know the sex of the baby until you get to Guatamala). My cousin, Tessa, was six months old when they got her...they literlly were hidden in a hotel and she was brought to them and they left for the airport immediately. My aunt says it was scary. I guess the Guatamlan's aren't happy to give their children to Americans...???
This second adoption is not going any more smoothly. They have a new stack of paper work to fill out each week. So far, this one has been in the works for over a year and a half. But, they really want Tessa to have a sibling, and also want her sibling to be *the same* as she is.
She says the end result is defintely worth the bullshit.
She also says adopting an American/Caucasian baby is very difficult, as well.

I'm sorry I could not be of more help...but I think what you want to do is very commendable - good luck :)