Getting Down to Business

[Rose Bud]

Just like a lot of other people, a new year means a new "diet". Except I'm really not thinking of this as a diet, I know this has to be a complete lifestlye and change in how I eat. And this WILL work.

First of all, I have finally accepted the fact that carbs must be SERIOUSLY cut from my diet. No more toast or bagels for breakfast. No more potatoes or pasta *sniffle*. I'm a total carbo addict, so this is gonna be hard. I would do the Atkins diet if I could, but I'm lactose intolerant (no cheese :() and eggs also make me sick. But I'm gonna take the "more protein, less carbs" idea and see what I can do with it.

I have to actually use my gym membership. My gym is right near my school, and I start school again for winter quarter today. It'd be so convenient to go before or after school. I'm getting to the point where I WANT to go. I want to see my stomach get smaller and my pants get looser. I want to see my legs and arms being toned again. I'm also going to treat myself to a GOOD pair of walking/athletic shoes, so I can take advantage of my uni's large sprawling campus and walk, walk, WALK any chance I get! No more battling for a close parking spot, I'm gonna park far out and walk, becuase for me, any little thing will help.

I have to kiss my favorite foods goodbye for a while, until I have gained control over my weight. But, I'm realizing that sacrificing my favorite foods will be worth it to become healthier in the long run.

I need to learn to control my portions, too. That's one problem I've got. I always take too much, and then feel compelled to clean my plate (my parents would never listen to me when I was a kid and complained "You gave me too much" and would make me clean my plate. I STILL do it).

I know this is going to be a long hard road for me, but I want and need to do it. I'll be here more often now, reporting on my progress and getting support from all the wonderful people here. :)

[Rose Bud]

Heh, I'm replying to my own thread :P

But I just did something really silly. I tried on my wedding dress, by myself. I could not zip it up in back by myself-so I put it on backwards (I could zip it in the front myself). And the good news is- IT STILL FITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its a tight squeeze though. And that just breathed this sense of motivation and life into me. I thought it would not fit, at all. But it still does! That makes me want to go to the gym after class now, so I can look good and be comfortable on my wedding day. If I can drop at least 20 pounds, it should fit perfectly. :)

[SparkleScamp]

What a wonderful post, Rose Bud!

You are inspiring. I know you will do well because you understand that you have to change your lifestyle and not just go on another diet.

With the gym, I found I have to go almost every day, and make it part of my routine. I know, because I cut it down to 3 times a week and really started slacking. It gets to be as natural as breathing when I do it every day, and I don't feel right when I don't go.

Another thing I have JUST started doing is mentally cutting my normal portions in HALF. I'm always surprised when half of what I can eat can actually fill me up. Especially if I wait a few minutes after eating.

Please keep posting as often as you can.

Good luck!

Chris

[Rose Bud]

Thanks! That's really uplifting coming from someone who has made so much progress towards their goals, and even completed a marathon!

God, yesterday was such a strange day. It was the first day of winter quarter at school for me, and I discovered that the way I had planned my classes, I had to walk across campus, twice, which turns out to be a few blocks. By the time I had got to the student union and sat down for a few minutes, my legs were so sore! And when I went to the gym after my last class, I tried to do the stationary bike, but I am so out of shape, and from all that walking, my legs were too sore for any workout like that. So I just stuck to the treadmill.

And something always has to happen when I finally get going back to the gym, I came down with the flu this morning. I know that you're not supposed to work out when you have the flu, because it already zaps so much of your energy and you feel so fatigued. But I'm not going to let that ruin what I have going. I'm not going to let a little thing like the flu derail me! So this means that maybe I just do some stretching to help my out of shape muscles get back into condition, but its something.

Usually when I have to stay home sick, I do the "eat because I'm bored" thing, but I am not going to do that today. When I woke up feeling like a truck had run me over, I thought one thing-"liquids". I don't think I have the energy to eat right now (I'm home all by myself, so I gotta take care of myself, so I'd have to prepare my own food). Plus I was coughing all night, and coughing a lot upsets my stomach. So right now water and hot tea sound pretty damn good.

[SparkleScamp]

It's great to see your enthusiasm. Yes, it's hard to work out with the flu, but something will always come up to break your routine if you let it. If nothing else you can walk and it sounds like that's what you're doing. Once you get better and get into your routine, you will be surprised how quickly you can progress. Keep it up...

[Rose Bud]

I was well enough last night to be able to get out and run a couple errands, so I wasn't totally sedentary yesterday. And my appetite was cooperative yesterday, I wasn't hungry until yesterday afternoon, when I was feeling better and able to move around some. And even then, I didn't eat much.

I don't know what to do about today. The flu symptoms are gone, but the hacking cough that started this cold/flu got way worse. The cough kept me up until nearly 1 (when the NyQuil I took kicked in and knocked me out-or else I wouldn't have got any sleep) and gave me a nicely hoarse throat. Well, its still early this morning, I'll just have to see how things go.

[Rose Bud]

This thread for me has turned from being the declaration of starting down the right road, to my daily journal. :) I NEED something like this though.

Today was only the second day of school for me, and I missed it. I know I won't get dropped from my classes, but I feel so guilty about it. I know I am sick, and that if I went to class, I would just be disrupting class by blowing my nose every 5 seconds and unnecessarily spreading my cold. This is some way to start the new year, I haven't been to work all week (didn't have to work on Monday, called in sick on Wednesday, but I AM going tomorrow!) and I miss the second day of school. When you are trying to take control of your life, something like this really throws you for a loop. When I get sick, I feel out of control of my life. I have to stay close to the box of tissues, I can't do what I need to get done.

But I haven't given into being my old self. Normally, right now I'd be not only sick, but also beating myself up mentally becuase of how I would have been eating just because I'm bored and its there. That HAS NOT happened yet and I feel so good that it hasn't. The only times I have eaten is becuase I was hungry.

Work is going to be a challenge for me, becuase I get bored at work, and then I end up eating lunch when I'm not really hungry just because I am bored. I am going to use work to keep up on my reading for classes, to keep my mind occupied there. I'll find things to do at work to keep myself busy.

I've had these thoughts over the past couple of days and it really put things into perspective for me:

I accept the blame for my own problem.

It is not my parents fault for not teaching me good eating habits. I never took the time to learn them for myself.

It is not my fiance's fault. We always take the convenient option of eating out because both he and I are too lazy to want to cook. We both know how to and don't mind cooking.

It is my fault for not having discipline, self-control, and self-confidence. I did not like the way I looked and the way I lived, but I did not have enough discipline and self-control to change, and look where that has brought me. I let it go too far, but not so far that there is no turning back.

I will not use food to keep me busy. So what if I spend more time here at the forumz (not such a bad thing!) or whatever, I need something to keep me away from food to help me realize that I do not need it to occupy my time. I have several hobbies I have neglected over time, becuase food replaced them.

I will not use food for comfort. I have family and friends and a loving fiance to turn to for comfort. Food can only provide temporary comfort. Once I've eaten it, the feeling of comfort and happiness is gone. I only feel guilty for eating when I didn't need to, and realizing that food wasn't going to take my problem away. Food can't be there the way that people can.

Just because I am large, doesn't mean I have to have the huge appetite that everyone assumes I have. I DON'T have a huge appetite. I'd always eat lots for the reasons I mentioned before. I'd find myself looking at my plate with the huge portion, and knowing I was full, force myself to finish it. There is no shame in smaller portions and even leaving some behind. It does not show that I was a greedy pig, taking more than my share. It shows that I have self-control and shows that I know when to stop.

I need to stop caring what other people think. I think that people look at me and wonder "Has she gained MORE weight?" becuase while most of my friends were losing weight, I was gaining it. I'm the only one that sees the number on that scale when I step on it, and I am the only one who should care about my weight.

I know there is no easy way out. No pill, shake, program, etc. will work. Those are diets, and diets don't work. Being smart and sensible IS what works. And that's what I'm trying to be.

[Rose Bud]

This cold is more than I bargained for. I'm home, for the third day in a row.

I haven't been good or bad today. I haven't eaten anything yet. Anytime I start to get hungry, it turns out to be at the same time that I need another dose of cough medicine, and that pretty well kills my appetite.

And I can't even sleep today. I woke up early again, and I just couldn't take a nap, so I'm feeling pretty bad.

[Rose Bud]

YAY, the flu-like feeling of this cold is FINALLY gone! I was able to get a full night's sleep last night, and I didn't wake up feeling feverish or with a headache! The stuffy nose and cough are still there, but they're always worse in the morning.

I finally ate last night, I had dinner, and even then I didn't eat much. But, I feel normal today. So I think I'll be able to be back on track today. I don't know what was up with me yesterday. I know part of my appetite loss WAS due to the cough medicine. I was taking it on an empty stomach, so that's why it did that to me. But I only took the cough medicine twice yesterday. All the other times I would start to feel hungry, I just didn't feel hungry enough to eat.

I've also started to think about how to track my progress. I don't think its a wise idea for me to get on the scale everyday, then I'll get upset any time the number isn't what I want it to be. Maybe just once a week? Once every couple of days? I'll figure this out. Once every couple days sounds just about right to me.

Its weird to feel this so early into this, but yesterday I KNOW my pants fit differently. Maybe it was just my mind, but it felt that way. I haven't lost much yet though, just about 3-4 pounds.

[Rose Bud]

Another week is starting tomorrow, and the second week is usually when I buckle when it comes to losing weight. I'll slip up a little, and then that totally throws me off. I'm not going to let that happen this time. I've seen progress so far, its just a couple pounds, but its showing that what I am doing is working.

I guess I used that excuse to reward myself with a few extra calories today. It wasn't too much, and I know it was merely a one day thing. I'm not going to be like this everyday. One day of out of the ordinary will not kill me, as long as every day does not turn out to be like today. Then, that would slowly and surely take me back to the way that I don't want to be again.

I've gave it a lot of thought, and decided that now that I'm well, I'm going to try and go to the gym as much as I can. Whether its after school or after work, I'll try my damndest to make the most of my gym membership. It'll only help me, especially after not being able to go for a week.

Like I said, I am always giving up or making excuses in the second week of trying to lose weight. But I thought about how much progress I can make in one full year if I can carry this on through the rest of this year. If I really stick to it, I could get back to the weight I was when I started college by the end of this year! I'll still have to lose more to get to my ideal weight, but my main thing is losing the weight that college helped me pack on.

[Rose Bud]

Its well into the second week of my change, and I have not slipped up yet. Its becoming easier and easier for me. Actually now is the time I am making adjustments, becuase I realized I was doing things a bit extreme last week. I'm finding that good balance between the way I used to be and the way I was last week. I was limiting my calories WAY too much last week, to the point where I'd go to bed with a growling stomach. Hopefully this week I'll adjust to enough calories where I can lose weight and not feel hungry at night.

[Rose Bud]

I'm going through some weird times right now. Its not my whole change with eating and exercise that is giving me the problems right now. Its the fact that I just don't care about school. I don't want to go. I hate going. I've been in school for 5 years, and I really really want to take an extended period of time off. Like a year or something. I'd love to just have more time to work and what not. I have not gone to school in over a week, but I'm gonna take this weekend to put everything into place, and then go back to school on this coming Tuesday, and cover up by saying I was very sick (which is partly true).

And just what does this have to do with me losing weight? The frustration of it all. Its spilling over from my frustration with school, so I am frustrated with everything else. Even though I know its silly, I'm frustrated with the fact that I am not dropping pounds quickly (but after I calm down, I realize that is not so bad!).

But I have noticed a few good things, even from dropping a few pounds. My back has started to hurt a lot less, and I've found that changing what I've eaten has really given me more energy. Since I eat a protein rich, calorie light breakfast, I don't find myself getting sleepy and tired at work anymore. I was always a very fidgety person, and now I find its worse because at work, I can't do much else but sit at my desk, and I have all this energy that I have nothing else to do with but fidget.

[SparkleScamp]

What a great thread. Keep up the good work. I'm glad you're feeling better. We have some things in common in that we've been going to school for five years (in that time I've managed to complete my two year degree), are cutting down on carbs and have been sick...I haven't been able to miss work so I'm pretty miserable. But definitely feel better for cutting out refined sugar for three days in a row.

[Rose Bud]

This weekend was definitely a test for me. I went to a Bridal Fair on Sunday. And at those things, the caterers and bakers that are exhibitors there often give out free samples of their product (you know, to try and get people to book their services). I could have EASILY taken in a couple days worth of calories there. But I didn't! :) I had maybe half of a tiny cake sample, and that was it.

I haven't been able to get on the scale since maybe Friday. I don't know if eating the way I did this weekend made much of a difference. I didn't go off my plan, per se, I just let myself intake a few more calories than the past couple of weeks. Maybe its a good thing that I can't step on the scale. I need to be able to keep up my plan without having to step on the scale for reassurance.

I tried my wedding dress on the correct way over this weekend too, at the behest of my best friend (and one of my maids of honor :)) becuase she never saw me try it on. It was still tight, but it made me realize that I didn't have to be super drastic with losing weight to try and force myself to lose weight faster than I should. If I can lose between 10 and 15 pounds between now and the beginning of April, I'll be good. :) I know that if I lose weight TOO quickly, I will put it back on, guaranteed.

[Startrip80]

Rose,

You sound like your doing pretty good. I have to warn you though. You know, logically you dont have to cut carbs out of your diet. I figured this out by reading the Atkins book because I wanted to see what he had to say.

#1. He said that you should only have 25grams of carbs a DAY! Okay, now I dont know if any of you have ever read the back of a Sobe bottle but it has 32 carbs in just a drink!

No WONDER your losing weight.

Ive heard stories from people who went on the low carb, high protien diets and trust me, it messed them up. Girl, eat your carbs, eat some fat....trust me, if you work out and moderate your portions then you will be fine.

Your body needs these foods to produce the proper chemical reactions to lose weight efficiently and affectively. When you eat foods high in nutrients (veggies, pasta, and all that jazz) it gives your body the right amount of animo acids and chemical reaction to burn fat. I know this because it works for me :) !

If you want a good appitite supression then take a metabolism pill, or eat 4 (small) meals a day. You will feel better in the long run and your immune system wont freek out and shut down because it doesnt have the energy to run itself.

If you simply *dont* eat, then your electrolites in your body fly out of wack and ya, you lose weight, but you feel like shit and eventually will gain all back. That, I think is the case with the Atkins diet.

Just me little ditty.

All my love.
_Alan_

[Rose Bud]

Thanks for the concern Alan, but I'm not TOTALLY cutting carbs out of my diet! I am a total carb addict though, so I have cut back to the point where I'm taking in just about the right amount of carbs, instead of way too many like I used to. And I didn't get enough protien before, so I'm working towards a good balance of both. The way I used to be, all three meals I used to eat were FULL of carbs! Like a bagel for breakfast and pasta for lunch, and then a normal dinner which would ALWAYS include bread or potatoes, or pasta. That was way too much! I've started to learn to balance that out though. Like no meals of just one thing-like if I have pasta, I'll try to balance it out with some protien-so its not an all carb or all protien meal.

I am learning so much about just eating when I am hungry and how much to eat when I am. Work is no longer an ordeal. I had the crazy idea to skip lunch, but that was hard, to have to sit at work all day and be working and have my stomach emitting LOUD growling sounds. I eat a lo-cal lunch now, and I no longer feel super hungry or sleepy at work during the day.

I've also learned a lot about self control. I've eaten out a couple times over the course of this month. But I wasn't all stupid about food and just ordered whatever the hell I felt like. I carefully considered what I was ordering and how it was prepared (fried, baked, etc.). And I didn't suffer becuase of it, I did not gain back any of the 9 pounds I've lost so far!

[Startrip80]

Allright sweety,

If it works for you then by all means RUN WITH IT. LOL.

Lovies and all that mush..

_alan_

[Rose Bud]

Of course I'm doing what works for me! Why do anything else? :p (I only mean that in the sense of "Do what works for you, don't let anyone else tell you what to do!")

I've had this sort of weird female issue going on over the past couple days. (I won't go into detail, since I know we do have some guys hanging around here!) Its been such a distraction. The moodiness and that general bloated blimp feeling...but its not the dreaded rag. Its a LONG story, that I'm sure no one wants to hear the details of! But I'm ok now. And I'm back to feeling like my normal self, so I'm back on track. Not like that threw me off track really, just made me feel miserable enough to not really care about what I ate for a couple of days. (But I did still watch it though!)

This routine is really starting to feel normal. I mean, its becoming odd for me to think about eating any other way. That's a good sign, I've become adapted to this instead of giving up. Now if only I can adapt to the gym thing!

And I've made a decision that's going to affect my weight issues some too. My heart just isn't into school right now. I've been in for 5 years. I need a little break to regain that life and enthusiasm that has gotten me this far. Removing what has become a distraction for a little while will help me regain focus on myself and what is important to me. School is one of those things, but I think my best friend put it nicely when we were chatting yesterday. She said that school is one of those things that drains your "batteries" in life. And sometimes you gotta just stop and re-charge. I feel like my batteries for school went dead a long time ago. Work drains me too, but that paycheck I get twice a month really works nicely with providing motivation to go and be there. I don't have that with school right now. I know that there is the prospect of being a college graduate with a degree, and I DO want that, but does it have to be right now? Life is short, I want a chance to enjoy it while I'm young enough to! The big thing about my sabbatical from school is the chance to gain some focus where I have none right now. This is a period where I need to focus on ME, not what some professor expects of me (and what my parents expect of me too).

And dealing with my weight and self image issues are part of that focus I don't have. Everything is a jumble, that I've started working on unscrambling. And its not an easy thing to do. It takes a lot of work and acceptance and learning to change yourself and your life. That's no small undertaking.

I'm sure I sound like a blubbering, ranting fool right now, but those are just the jumbled thoughts floating around my head.

[Rose Bud]

Now that I've had time to really think about things in my life and make some important decisions, things seem to make a lot more sense to me now.

Losing weight and chaning my eating habits isn't my only accomplishment right now. You see, I've never had much luck when it comes to jobs. I'd take whatever job I could get, and not think about what that job would be like 6 months down the road. And then I'd end up quitting 6 months later becuase the job wasn't what I expected. But today makes 1 full year that I've been at my current job. A sense of stability is certainly a nice thing.

And I need to be honest with myself, I have no reason to not be going to the gym. I'm just being lazy. I'm not sick anymore. I don't have any kind of physical injury. I'm just being plain lazy.

[Startrip80]

Amen sista ....

*waves hands in air screaming "Can I get a witness?!?!"

_Alan_

[aphrodites kiss]

It sounds like you are taking a very sensible approach to all this, Rose. I just wanted to wish you the best of luck for whats to come and to say congrats on how well you've done over the past couple of weeks. Keep it up! :)


-- AK

[SparkleScamp]

Rose, it really makes me feel good that you are doing so well. I too have had problems with jobs and relationships as well as with weight. It's all part of the same disease for me. I drifted in dead end jobs for many years, and I don't consider myself a dummy. I found my current job two years ago (I'm 27 now). At first I had difficulty making it permanent, because I kept trying to find the negative things about it. But it has turned out to be an excellent job with advancement potential. I am on the brink of going into commission sharing, and my boss is setting up a 401(k) plan for the first time in the history of the company. I often get to attend fancy dinners and even get vacations as business trips. So things are really looking up because I stuck it out. Now if only I could get the relationship part straightened out....

[Rose Bud]

The only thing that's kinda unstable for me right now is my living arrangement. I still live at home with my family, but I am also currently looking for a place to live with my fiance. We have three months to find a place, and there are some obstacles standing in our way. That's the only real thing I'm not feeling to sure about right now is "Where am I gonna live in 3 months?".

But otherwise, stability abounds. :)

My fiance and I have been taking marriage prep classes this weekend. The class consists of 2 8 hour days of learning about communicating, making mutual decisions, and religion comes into it a little because it is through the church (we gotta take the class to get married in my church). That's not the hard part-its the fact that everyone brought JUNK FOOD for the snacks to be shared amongst everyone. Oh well, at least the people giving the class provided food that's a bit more health conscious than that. Actually, we're gonna have to be leaving soon-where we gotta take the class is a 30-45 minute drive from where I live-and we gotta be there in half an hour!:O

[Rose Bud]

Why does it seem like nothing can go right for me all at one time?

I had two people try preparing my taxes. My dumb parents forgot to tell me that they are elligible to claim me as a dependant. So according to me filing as single, and ineligible to be anyone's dependant, I get a 300 dollar tax return that I really need. Without it, I can't buy my fiance a wedding band. But with my parents claiming me, I OWE almost 100 dollars, that I can't afford to put out right now. I knew I was going to owe state tax, that's only 35 dollars. But FUCK I NEEDED that tax return! I think they are going to end up giving me the 333 dollars my tax return should have been, and paying the owed tax too. I don't know.

And I'm so mental over money right now becuase my fiance and I NEED to save up 5500 dollars to pay off his credit card debt. We need to, because if we don't, we won't be able to get a place to live. Its bad enough that our wedding is still three months away and people are asking us if we have found somewhere to live. We live in Northern CA, where finding ANYWHERE (affordable or not!) to live is hard. God knows I so want out of my parents house, but I know that we need to pay off his debt first, even if that means not getting an apartment until early April. I don't care, because all this working hard to save to pay his debt off will benefit us both in the future. Buying a car or house won't be so hard later if we do this now.

But, there are a few things shining a positive light onto an otherwise dreary situation. I've changed around my plan for taking off of school. I'm taking this quarter and next quarter (winter and spring) off instead of Spring and Summer. Summer quarter at my uni is a lot more laid back and less crowded, even though it is a full academic quarter. That should work a lot better with easing myself back into academia than doing it in fall, when everything is so hectic.

But through all this, I haven't let my roller coaster of emotions and stresses make me totally abandon my new attidtude towards food. I think the worst I've done is yesterday I ate more lasagne (my favorite food!) than I should have at my parent's super bowl party. But after nearly a month of dieting, that acted as a reward for keeping it up-a purely one time thing, and I feel like I can continue like normal now.

Even now, at the depressing thought that I would not be able to buy a wedding band for my fiance, before I would have gone running to Baskin Robbins or Starbucks for some calorie-laden snack to drown my sorrows-and still call up my fiance blubbering about what has gone wrong now. But now all I want is just some water, because I'm feeling majorly dehydrated right now and maybe a back rub (becuase of the awful mattress I slept on last night). And I know that my parents and I will work something out about the whole tax situation. (Its like being more conscious about eating has made me more conscious of other things too)

I didn't post here for more than a week, but I had a lot going on in that week. I've done a lot of wedding planning in this past week that I haven't been here. Planning used to be such a stress, but maybe the fact that its getting so close and I'm taking care of all these things like I should is helping me feel calm because this is all getting done now. The fiance and I have to meet with the priest that is preforming our ceremony tomorrow to plan out the details for it, and if this were even a couple of months ago I would have been totally nervous about it, but I'm totally excited! I want to pick out the music and the readings and the vows. And-there is still so much more to do! My hand is going to be so sore over the next month-I have 100 invitations to address!

[SparkleScamp]

Planning a wedding is so exciting and stressful too. I'm glad you're doing so well. Keep up the good work!

[Rose Bud]

Yeah, I'd have to say I have had lots of exciting times from planning my wedding, but its also been really stressful too! Just when I think "Wow, we have most of the big things out of the way!"-*BOOM* all these things start coming up that have to be done before the wedding. Maybe I should say we have all the of the big deposits taken care of! But there's still so much more.

I am in this incredibly elated mood right now becuase I found out this morning that I'm getting $1.50 per hour raise at work, effective tomorrow! So instead of making 11.00 an hour for my job, I'll be making 12.50! That is going to help my fiance and I out SOOOOOOOOOO much! And not only that, that bumps me over the average pay-range for my kind of job in my area, so now I don't feel like I won't survive on what I make with my job and feeling the need to go look for employment elsewhere.

[Leina Rose]

Congrats for keeping up this journal. It shows the dedication you have for reaching your goal.

Congrats on that pay raise. I know you actually like that job, so that $1.50 is totally a good thing.

I'm there with ya all the way, dudeness.

Luv and 5x5,
Leina

[SparkleScamp]

Originally posted by Rose Bud
I am in this incredibly elated mood right now becuase I found out this morning that I'm getting $1.50 per hour raise at work, effective tomorrow! So instead of making 11.00 an hour for my job, I'll be making 12.50!

Wow! That's a pretty hefty raise. Congrats!

[Rose Bud]

Ohhhh I feel so bad that I haven't posted here in a while! But I have also been dealing with another major issue in my life, that I hadn't shared with anyone before. I posted about it in the Rape and Molestation Surviors forum, and I guess it does have something to do with my weight problem. I was sexually abused, by my brother, when I was younger. And I finally just told someone, and posted here at the forums about it, after keeping it a secret for nearly 13 years. I won't go into it more (I go into it more in my other posts), but letting that out has had an effect on me.

I am starting to feel much better about myself, despite the fact that I know I am very overweight. I know I am trying to change something about myself I don't like, but that doesn't mean I can't feel good about who I am. I love the person I am now, and I will love myself when I shed my extra weight, because on the inside, I'll still be the same person. :)

And more confidence in myself, means I have more confidence with trying to lose weight. I used to mentally beat myself whenever I'd "slip" on my diet, which I've been doing quite a bit lately. I've gotten kinda lazy and have been eating out way too much. I'd slip because I'd think that what I was doing wasn't doing any good. Any little bit helps, and you can't completely change overnight. It takes hard work, which I am really ready to put into this again.

But anyway, there have been other good things in my life these days.

I did end up getting my tax return, and I went and bought my fiance's wedding band! And he's bought mine too! And I get my first paycheck at my new salary on Friday! (even though it won't be quite what I thought it would be-I took a half day yesterday) I know that what I got was a substantial raise-I am going from taking home 900 a month, to bringing home 1100 or more a month! Its going to help sooo much, and it came just at the right time. But, I've also had to be doing more work too-which is fine with me!

My fiance and I are *this* close to being through with clearing up his credit problem. There's only 2 more big overdue accounts to take care of. (word to the wise to the younger ppls here-be careful with credit cards, you can get in some deep doo-doo with them!) And the closer we are to having that taken care of, the closer we are to having our apartment! I am really itching to have my own place, I mean it is nice to live at home rent free, but I'm 22 and getting married soon, I need a place of my own!

I've started addressing my wedding invitations. Actually, I'm almost done with addressing my wedding invitations-there's only maybe 5-6 more that I need to address. I won't be sending them off for another couple weeks yet though. But believe me, once they are, the whole nervousness factor about the wedding will increase!

[SparkleScamp]

Rose Bud, I'm so happy things are going so well for you! How awesome! I'm dealing with credit card debt too so I have empathy. I'm finally making a bit of a dent. I wish you the best.

[Rose Bud]

It is a real headache. So far we've put out about 3000 dollars-and have to put out about 2500 more. We know where 2000 of it is coming from, and supplying the 500 from my paycheck in the name of being able to get a place to live won't be much of a problem!!! I may have some debt now, but I make my payments on time and always try to do more than the minimum. I think its a worthwhile headache though, becuase its going to benefit us both so much in the long run. Its going to make buying a car easier (and both he and I are gonna be needing new cars soon) and eventually buying a house a lot easier too. My university recently banned credit card companies from having those "application tables" on our campus-the ones that lure students to apply for high interest credit cards with the promise of free gifts and such. At least they're doing SOMETHING to help stop college students from accumulating huge amounts of credit card debt.

And I am so happy not being in school right now. I do really want to go back in summer, I just have too much right now.

[Rose Bud]

I haven't been doing very well lately. Both mentally and physically.

I've got this obsessive fear of death-its totally irrational and I can't get the thought out of my head (I don't even know why, I'm only 22). I've been struggling with it for a week now. Becuase of that, for the past week I have forced myself to eat, until two days ago when I just couldn't manage to force food down anymore.

I ate maybe a couple pieces of chicken from my chicken fajitas and a few chips on saturday, and all I ate today was 2 pieces of bread. I tried to eat a teriyaki chicken bowl today, but all I could eat of it was two bites, before I felt really sick.

I think its a drastic corrolation my mind is making. If I don't eat and get skinny, I can't die because I'm fat. I got on the scale today and discovered that I've dropped 2 pounds because of not eating. I know I need to lose weight but this is not the way to do it. I feel like I'm a total and complete nut.

Eating isn't the only thing I can't do. I can't watch TV, read, work, anything without those obsessive thoughts creeping into my head. Well, I can work, it tends to keep my mind off the thoughts as long as I have something to do. I just want this to stop and quick. I want my life to go back to normal. I've done it before, I hope I can do it again.

[Rose Bud]

On the mental front, I am doing much better. :)

Ever the one to try and find the best of a bad situation, I took my whole death/anxiety issue as a cue to become more in tune with my spiritual self. Its a part of me that used to be very important in my life and over the past few years has slipped by the wayside. I've done a lot of soul searching and reading and research about what I feel and believe. Some of the stuff you can learn is so amazing.

After realizing that nearly three months of this new year have gone by already, I decided to take a look at how I'm doing so far with keeping up my new years resolution. I haven't been the most consistant when it comes to keeping things up, but I'd have to say that I do notice a definite difference in the way I think about eating and my eating habits. I'm not quite at where I'd like to be, but I'm still plodding down the road to there.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I am Catholic. And Lent started a couple weeks ago. I haven't given up something for Lent in years, or praticed the abstinace from meat on Fridays. I have so far (except for one little slip up...). Plus I decided to give up fast food for lent. That has been so easy! I would try to stay away from it as much as possible before, and that I was doing very good at. When I would eat fast food, it wouldn't be all that much or very often. I am hoping that giving it up for 6 straight weeks will help me kick the fast food habit for good.

I think I've done pretty well with progressing with losing pounds too. Its been 2.5 months, and I've dropped somewhere between 15-20 pounds. (I don't know, I try not to do the obsessive thing where I feel the need to get on the scale several times a day, or even everyday)

If anyone read my OT thread, they'd know of my whole thing about trying to find a place to live and that my fiance and I actually applied for an apt. last week. We found out last thursday that we got it! Its a small 1 bdr/1 bath, but its all we can afford around here right now. I move on April 14th! :) This will be my first time living away from home. I am nervous about that-about having to keep my own house and do my own laundry and cook for myself and my fiance. I am just so used to living at home with my parents!

But one good thing about moving is that I will be living about 2 blocks from my gym (well, one of the locations for my gym, its one of the big nat'l ones and I have an all-club membership)! So I will have no more excuses for not going! (damn-says the lazy devil sitting on my shoulder!)

And I'm still feeling good from realizing yesterday that my tightest fitting pair of pants are now baggy in places they never used to be. And that I keep having to pull my pants up, becuase the waists on my pants are now too big too (but the next size down is still too small).

[Rose Bud]

I was out of town this past weekend. I tried to take measures to make sure I didn't slip too far off my diet. I brought my own food, I swore I wouldn't drink. Did it work? NO. :( Its no ones fault but my own though, I allowed myself to succumb to temptation. I had a ton of fun though. Getting closer to people I had grown apart from, getting drunk and dancing on coffee tables, you know that kind of stuff. :) I'm in a sorority, actually I'm an alumna member, and I decided to go on their once quarterly pledge retreat weekend. Its terrible for those of us who are trying to be health conscious (unhealthy food, inordinate amounts of alcohol, etc.), but like I said-I had a ton of fun!

There is a mere 39 days until my wedding. I'm starting to get more nervous about it all. I don't think its "cold feet" becuase I know I am marrying the right man, I'm just nervous that its not going to go the way I have been planning it! I've put a year's worth of planning and effort into this thing, and I am so nervous that all these little things will screw it all up.

Plus I'm getting those "I don't wanna grow up!" feelings. See, my whole life up until now, I have lived with my parents and they have always paid most of my major bills. (School, car insurance, car maintenance, etc.) And now I have to start handling all of that on my own (well, with my fiance/soon to be husband, but you know what I mean!). And now that I am getting married, I have to REALLY be an adult. I can just imagine how my parents are feeling right about now, because I am getting married at the end of April, and my brother is getting married 3 weeks later in May. And the only child left at home is my younger sister, who will be 13 over the summer. (AAARGH! My baby sister is going to be a teenager!!!!)

As far as I know, I haven't lost any more weight lately, but I've done a pretty good job at maintaining my current weight. That was something I definitely needed to work on was the ability to maintain my weight. I could just never do it before. I would either be gaining or losing, there was no middle ground.

[SparkleScamp]

Rose Bud, it is very nice to hear how you are doing and it sounds like you are handling things very well. You have a lot of changes happening in your life and it's quite the challenge! I think it's great that you gave up fast food for Lent, and it's not so bad to have a party night every once in a while. Good luck with the wedding! Love, Chris