"I want an adult family, and having babies is the only way to do that."

[candy apple red]

So said my friend a couple weeks ago. She doesn't like children (and never has, in the 15 years I've known her), is terrified by the notion of pregnancy, and can't stand the idea of being a parent. But she wants an adult family, so having kids is the only way to get there.

Am I the only one who thinks this is a monumentally stupid reason to procreate? And why is 'family' defined by DNA anyway?

[jeth]

Please slip some BC pills into her drink until she comes to her senses. I think sometimes people get so overwhelmed by the pressures around them (family, friends, co-workers) to do something they honestly don't want to do that they just sort of crack and start trying to imagine life as they never intended it to be. I guarantee you that if you put a baby in her arms she would snap right out of it when she realizes that to get an 'adult family' it's going to take well over 18 years of work to get there.

Does she think her family isn't good enough because she doesn't have kids? Who is putting that thought into her head? Find the source of that, put a stop to it and that should help her realize that she wasn't thinking rationally.

Or maybe she genuinely has changed her mind. But before you let her go ahead with this make sure she can clearly verbalize that yes she changed her mind and yes this is what she wants. I've seen too many people make decisions that they shouldn't make because of external pressures only to regret it later.

[Jezebelle]

Wow. Sounds like she'll be a great mother. She'll grow to hate her adult children if she doesn't raise them right as young children.

Tell her about foster kids and adoption. There are plenty of non-children who would LOVE to be adopted.

[Kari]

What is the definition of an "adult" family, I wonder?

I can tell you what it's not: Having children for the sake of having children. Children who are unwanted and will more than likely be fucked up forever because their parents didn't desire to have them in the first place. In fact, having kids to fill a societal norm is just as childish and immature as wanting the latest style in jeans to fit in with the rest of the crowd.

[hollerskates]

yeah, i don't understand this phrasing of "adult family" either. what's the difference betweent that and a regular family? as much as i know i don't want kids, it's only natural to feel a sort of longing for the good "family" times i know i'm not going to have...the stuff i experience with my family now. fun weekends together, holidays, etc. i just have to actively cultivate that through other ways than having children, otherwise this hermit is going to end up alone.

[Alex]

"Adult family???" WTF???

I love that most of my family in New York is chosen. My friends are my family. They support me unconditionally and I can turn to them for anything.

I also consider my cats my family.

[jenniferblaufrau]

What is an adult family? If she wants adult companionship, has she considered making more friends?

[jenniferblaufrau]

I love that most of my family in New York is chosen. My friends are my family. They support me unconditionally and I can turn to them for anything.
Agreed. I love the fact that I have been to numerous places and countries and picked out my favorite people that I have found. I chose them. And they have always been there for me. I called one of my closest friends this weekend, a sobbing mess, and she listened and understood and gave me exactly the advice I needed.

This strikes me as more special and unique than accident of birth.

[Kari]

My cats, my husband, and my friends are my family. I couldn't ask for anything more, really. Nothing feels more like home to me than snuggling on the couch with Mike and my cats.

[Kollins]

Alex, Kari, and Ms. Blaufrau said it already.

What is an 'adult family.' Does that mean a group of adults who live in different places but who keep in close contact with each other and who get together as a big group for special occasions?

There's a word for that: friends. While I really enjoy my family life now that it is in the 'adult' stage (the youngest is 21), I enjoy it because I feel that I am now friends with my family --- we're roughly on equal footing when we interact, just like a group of friends.

[Rinky vs.4.0]

She already has an adult family, right? As in parents, siblings, partner etc?

If she hates children and fears pregnancy, I can't think of a stupider thing to do than get knocked-up and spend the next 18 years resentfully parenting the results. Way to kiss goodbye to nearly two decades of happiness, eh?

[Kollins]

She already has an adult family, right? As in parents, siblings, partner etc?

If she hates children and fears pregnancy, I can't think of a stupider thing to do than get knocked-up and spend the next 18 years resentfully parenting the results. Way to kiss goodbye to nearly two decades of happiness, eh?

Also, if you resent and dislike your kid all the while it is a kid, it's pretty unlikely you'll end up being a happy and close 'adult family.' It's more likely the kid will come to resent and dislike you in return.

[hollerskates]

ohhh, that's what she meant by adult family?? well, hell i'd want kids too if i could send them away till they're wonderful, loving, fun to be around adults. who wouldn't? doesn't work like that.

[Rinky vs.4.0]

^Well, exactly. Just because you're genetically related to someone does not guarantee a good relationship, or even much of a relationship at all, in the future.

[candy apple red]

Yes, her parents are happily married and she has a slightly younger brother. She really does have a fantastic family. I spent a lot of time at her house during high school so that I could be with them instead of with my own family. They're all very close and though they live far apart, they see each other frequently. I understand how somone with that experience would want to continue the trend, just as I understand that it would never occur to me because I can't stand being around any one member of my clan for more than two days at a time.

However, the end obviously doesn't justify the means, and I can't figure out why someone as intelligent as she is doesn't realize that. I know it has something to do with the fact that her partner wants to have kids. Maybe she's trying to talk herself into it for the sake of that relationship.