New Dilemma- When a CF person Bingoes you!

[Kari]

So. Okay.

There is this really cool lady I talk to on my smoke breaks who is CF. She's an older woman, in her 50's, and is from Croatia (or Serbia? I forget). She has the coolest attitude about not having kids, said it just was never something she wanted and she enjoys her life with her husband. We were also talking about how we read a recent study that childfree couples are happier with their lives and in their relationships, etc, and how awesome that is.

So, naturally, I told her I was CF. Adamantely. And I'm expecting a big high five, and she says...

"You are far too young to make that decision."

Um. What?

[bang]

I do not understand why, at almost 25 years old, people feel the need to demean my ability to make my own decisions based on my age. I am not a baby anymore, not by any means. I am a full-fledged adult. I am married with two full time jobs (one that doesn't pay, but still), and a college education. I have never been flighty or apt to just suddenly change my mind about something so important, and a 25 year old woman is not an 18 year old girl. It is so incredibly fucked up.

/venting

[Boomer #8]

I hate when people use the 'age' against people. I get the same thing wether I tell people I won't have children; or say at work when a client isn't content with the answer to their question, and if one of my older co-workers is on the same shift, the client automatically scope around the store and points [to said co-worker] and looks at me "Ask her" or "I'll ask her" (or a variation) in a most demeaning tone of voice. Like it's my first day. I get seriously frustrated, because if I was unsure about something, and when I'm unsure about something, of course I ask my co worker for help. And it's not like my co-worker will give a different answer, because I know she won't and she doesn't.


Sorry for getting off track. /rant.

[jeth]

Whoa. I would have been pissed too.

So in her eyes, what's the magic age where you get to decide things for yourself? 30? 40?

I agree, big difference between 18 and 25. An 18 year old I would probably look at and think to myself "She might change her mind" because 18 year olds aren't known for sticking to life decisions. Their opinions change like the tides because they are being exposed to new influences left and right that help them change their minds over and over on every topic. At 18 I knew I didn't want kids, but I also wasn't going to call myself CF because I thought that as I got older things might change. They didn't, I'm now content that my mind will never be changed. As it stands, by your mid-twenties you've got enough of a solid basis in your life that when you make a decision you can usually stick with it for a pretty long time.

If you were 18 I could almost understand her bingoing you becuase hey, you're the age where you change your major three times and pick up new social causes each week and get really excited about new things only to have your activist leanings fade away in three days. But at the age you are she should know that you've invested a lot into the life you currently live and she should respect that you are serious about maintaining that life that you've made for yourself without squalling, screaming children getting in the way of it.

[RedHead]

I think a lot of people wrongly judge a person's maturity by their age. Maybe some 25 year olds aren't mature enough to make that decision, but from what I know of you, you definitely are. If she is someone you know fairly well, she should be able to tell that you are mature enough to have made that kind of decision. Especially since you've made other important life decisions, ie. getting married. I don't know why she didn't see all that?

[Rinky vs.4.0]

I've known since I was a little kid I didn't want kids. I'm 36 now and have never wavered. It's funny, isn't it, how when some young girl says she wants kids, no-one ever says, "Oh, you'll change your mind - you're far too young to know what you want!"

[jeth]

I've never wavered, but I will admit that at the age of 18 I was more willing to approach it with an open mind because I knew full well that my opinion on any given subject could change in a matter of days. My beliefs changed faster than the weather. I guess while I always deep down felt this way I wouldn't have said that it was absolutely, 100% the way things were going to be until the past few years.

It's not like I ever reserved the idea of having kids in the back of my head because it always squicked me out, but when I was younger I was more apt to acknowledge that as I got older I might have a change in my opinion. That change never happened, but I at least recognized that at that age I was more about being decisive with the decision making than I was about being decisive with the follow through. Now that I've got a few more years behind me and I've gained a lot more in the way of life experience, making my own decisions and living with the outcomes/consequences, etc. I can confidently say that my mind will not be changed, ever.

I guess that's the age/maturity thing. When I was younger I didn't have a lot of follow-through with my decision making, but I at least recognized that in myself.

I don't know if I'm making sense here.

[nirak]

I've known since I was a little kid I didn't want kids. I'm 36 now and have never wavered. It's funny, isn't it, how when some young girl says she wants kids, no-one ever says, "Oh, you'll change your mind - you're far too young to know what you want!"

amen.

I've said I didn't want kids ever since I can remember. I never played with dolls (except to pull their heads off or mangle their hair) I never thought babies were cute, or wanted to hold one. There's a great picture of me at 8 with my baby sister in my lap and a disgusted look on my face.

I need to find that.

[Kari]

I've never wavered, but I will admit that at the age of 18 I was more willing to approach it with an open mind because I knew full well that my opinion on any given subject could change in a matter of days. My beliefs changed faster than the weather. I guess while I always deep down felt this way I wouldn't have said that it was absolutely, 100% the way things were going to be until the past few years.
.

I'm the same. At 18 I thought I might want kids someday, because otherwise you ended up "old and alone" and "No one wants to marry you if you don't want kids". I honestly thought there was something wrong with me that the thought of pregnancy made me want to vomit and the idea of having a child made me nervous in general.

Then I met Mike. And he was sooo clear about his lack of desire for kids, and I did have to think about whether i didn't want kids just because HE didn't want them (though, if I wanted them, he was willing to compromise about it). But in the end, by the time I was 22 and we were engaged, I realized that kids were not in the picture. I also realized that I actually don't like kids. At all. A little girl was trying to be cute and smile at me and talk to me on the train this morning and I just wanted to dump my iced coffee over her head.

But I am extra cranky today!

[jeth]

I wouldn't have dumped my iced coffee, but that's because iced coffee, as a general rule, belongs in my belly. It would be a waste to dump it on a child's head because my belly would wonder where it's iced coffee went.

The rule goes double for iced chai.

[Kari]

Well, that's why I didn't do it! It was either my caffeine or the sheer enjoyment of her shock when I dumped forth.

I chose caffeine. I always choose caffeine.

[half1113]

You guys are never safe from the Bingo, except from me.

[Rizzabella]

Isn't it great? I'm 24 and I've gotten that. I don't consider myself to be very old but I'm making plenty of life decisions now otherwise; thinking about my career, finishing up my MFA, etc. My mother had me when she was my age and my grandmother had my mother when she was 20. I find it absolutely hilarious that, while there's an obvious shift in the typical age of a mother, in the past people have had children at fairly "young" ages. So you can make the decision to HAVE a child at that age and we're supposed to respect your decision as a mature one, but if you decide otherwise it's simply an affectation of youth and you'll certainly change your mind.

This is off-topic but the "too young" thing reminded me. Two years ago my cousin cousin got married; he's a year younger than I am. My grandmother was going on about how mature it was of him to settle down early and get married and consider starting a family. I found it incredibly irksome because my grandmother is constantly dropping hints about marriage/children in MY future and whenever I say "I'm waiting until after I am finished with my education" she gets a little grouchy about it. Eventually I just started being more honest and saying "I'm not 100% sure I WANT to get married and I don't really think I want children at all." Her answer was, of course, that I'm still very young so I'm making that decision without really having experienced enough of life to understand what I'm doing. Ahahahah.