At Helen's Request, My Open Letter...

[iciclespark]

Dear Customers Of The Bank I Work At:

Alright. I've been stuck in this thankless job of providing security for a major Canadian financial institution for over a year. While some of you lovely regulars have been great at keeping me entertained, informed on world news and happily caffeinated with tea or sugared up on candies and treats, some of you need to fucking die.

Namely, the breeders.

I can smell you coming, you know. I always know when it's Breeder Bonus Cheque day, because there you are, one after the other, 3+ children in tow. But throughout the month you piss me off, and I'm going to go over the fucking rules again.

Security is NOT babysitter in whatever language of breederspeak you use. It is your fucking job to watch your goddamn kids. Not mine. My job is to prevent robberies, and protect the property and personnel of this particular branch (and since the staff are very wonderful, hilarious and sarcastic people, I actually would protect them if there while off-duty, because they rule). My job is to tell you to get your crotchdroppings off my fucking line queue rails because the rails are hollow and decorative, and have been known to fall down. The cost to replace them is $300. The bank is not amused when this happens. My job is to tell you not to let your fucking snotty brats spin the loose rails, creating hell's version of nails on a chalkboard for all to hear, while you yap on your cellphone or frantically try to calculate which bills to pay of the 50 in your stack.

My job does NOT include any of the following:

1) Seeking out your spawn and telling it to 'stay in the bank while I do my transaction'. If your kid is so prone to wandering, might I suggest one of those obnoxious harness and leash combos they give toddlers? If some pedo grabs your kid, it's not my fault.

2) Yelling at your child. Yes, I have noticed that your fucktrophy is bouncing like a speedfreak in the fucking waiting room chair. Yes, I have noticed, being as I have a migraine from the fluurescent lights in this place, that he is yelling his head off for no fucking reason. On sheer principle alone, however, I will not come over and yell at your spawn because "he won't listen to me whisper no and I seem incapable of doing anything but whispering, which he will so pay attention to". I will however tell you off for suggesting it then achieve success by quietly asking him to keep it down because I have a headache, because migraines suck.

3) Babysitting your three screaming banshees you have left unattended in the waiting area while you have an hour-long appointment about your mortgage, leaving them with no toys and thus, they are making the whole bank their playground. I've half a mind to release them into the parking lot. Instead, I will threaten them with being hogtied in their chairs if they so much as MOVE again (oh that was fun... yes....)

4) Telling your child to stay off the rails. Again, my job is to tell YOU. YOUR job is to discipline the child and make it comply. My uterus is barren for a reason. I have elected not to have children so I can bank peacefully. If you're too stupid to fucking use birth control, that's not my issue. However, after belittling your inability to parent, I will remind you that I will have your account billed for the $300 repair fee if you do not immediately control your child and the bar does indeed fall.

5) (This goes out to one person) If your child is autistic and has suddenly acquired the horrific habit of masturbating in public, for the love of fuck, do NOT leave him unattended in the seniors/disabled waiting chairs at the back, and do NOT ask me to watch him for you. I know special needs kids are tough but REALLY, get a FUCKING BABYSITTER or get INTERNET FUCKING BANKING to pay your phone bill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWW. These seniors are on the verge of death in some cases and I don't want to have to do CPR on some strange old person with moles and bad breath if it can be avoided!!!!!!!!!!

6) By the way, if you can take care of your children, then why don't you get off your fucking cellphone and tell them to stop playing with the bank machine as they've been doing for five minutes before I finally intervened due to the growing line-up of people waiting to use it?

7) Oh and also? You having to wait a few minutes to access a safety deposit box does not excuse your fucking kid playing Tarzan on my fucking line queue.

I hate you all. I have seen good parents and kids, so I know it is possible to have well-behaved children in a bank. No fucking excuses!!!

No love,
The bitchy security guard who wants to sterilize you all for the good of humanity.


PS - 7 is way too fucking old for a fucking stroller. So is 5. Take your fucking kids for a walk before they become the obese kids of tomorrow from the doughnuts and candies you keep handing them in line to placate them.

[Jezebelle]

;l

"fucktrophy"

[Tyler]

;l

That is the best thing I've read all day.

[iciclespark]

*bows* It has been a long time coming. You should have seen my entitleseniors rant. Oh that was great fun. That was right after a really bad Pension Day.

[Steve SFM]

;l

"fucktrophy"

Yessss. I like that word even better than "crotchdropping". :D

Steve the Sweet Fat Man

[Kari]

dude.

FUCKTROPHY!!!!!!

[iciclespark]

I can't take credit for it - someone used it once in cf_hardcore and it became my favourite. ;)

[Fluffy]

Yes, I have noticed that your fucktrophy is bouncing like a speedfreak in the fucking waiting room chair.

*dies*

If your child is autistic and has suddenly acquired the horrific habit of masturbating in public, for the love of fuck, do NOT leave him unattended in the seniors/disabled waiting chairs at the back, and do NOT ask me to watch him for you.

Jesus. Someone actually asked you to make sure their mentally challenged child doesn't start beating off in a public establishment? What were you supposed to do if he did? Release the hounds?

[iciclespark]

No better: he left him alone and asked me to keep an eye out, to which I said, "Today is a very busy day and I really can't promise that."

But keep an eye out I do, because obviously the kid is trouble or something... and I catch him with his hand down his pants and that LOOK... you know the one young boys get when they see porn? That orgasmic verge thing?

I'm horrified. I don't quite know what to do. I glare at him but he seems out of it. I snarl at him, "We don't do that in banks." He stops.

I quickly assert from his transition into rocking and mumbling to himself that he is developmentally delayed and my rage shifts more to dad. I let dad know just what I saw and he explains that he's recently started doing this. He wanks in front of anyone. He also thinks it came from the special school he goes to for his autism needs. I'm like, okay I don't care how it started, but seriously, EWW. You MUST NOT LET HIM DO THAT HERE.

At another point? The kid started leaving the branch, wandering away, and of course Duh isn't noticing. Good thing I feel sorry for the kid, being autistic and having a crap father, and I go call him back in.

[Rinky vs.4.0]

Again, great rant, Tiffany. I don't know how you put up with that bullshit without killing someone, I really don't. Such amazingly clueless and pitiful people. Ugh.

A teacher friend of mine once went to a school for autistic kids for an speculative interview and told me she sat in one class where ALL the adolescent boys were wanking - some of them quite openly, with their cocks flopped right out. She's not a faint-hearted person, but she said one look at that, and that was that. She told them, 'Not interested, bye!'

The dad you mentioned has zero right to expect any stranger to babysit his kid, any kid, let alone one with severe behavioural problems. What the fuck did he expect you to do? Does he expect random service personnel to have the training to know how to handle a disturbed child, let alone be paid enough or have time enough in their day to want to try and risk lawsuits and abuse if they do something to restrain the kid that the Idiot Parent decides they don't approve of?

The other thing that gets me about these parents who unleash their kids in stores like other people unleash their dogs in parks, is don't they care who might be taking an interest in the brats? It doesn't take much to lure a stray kid away and interfere with them. With all the paranoia about stranger danger and sexual predators that most parents display nowadays, you'd think they'd put two and two together and actually, you know, keep the kids by their side in public?

[iciclespark]

The dad you mentioned has zero right to expect any stranger to babysit his kid, any kid, let alone one with severe behavioural problems. What the fuck did he expect you to do? Does he expect random service personnel to have the training to know how to handle a disturbed child, let alone be paid enough or have time enough in their day to want to try and risk lawsuits and abuse if they do something to restrain the kid that the Idiot Parent decides they don't approve of?

He's damn fucking lucky I took clinical psych and didn't smack him around. I was shocked he'd leave him unattended at all. Completely shocked. He wasn't a single father, either; he mentioned his wife being at home with them.

The other thing that gets me about these parents who unleash their kids in stores like other people unleash their dogs in parks, is don't they care who might be taking an interest in the brats? It doesn't take much to lure a stray kid away and interfere with them. With all the paranoia about stranger danger and sexual predators that most parents display nowadays, you'd think they'd put two and two together and actually, you know, keep the kids by their side in public?

I've counted at least 50 times where I could have snatched a child in the current calendar year. They seriously do not care. The majority of them probably had kids because it was 'what you do' and they can't be arsed with the work of raising a child properly. They attempt to go on with their day as if they didn't spawn the screaming mess beside them. It's sad, in a way, because children on the whole can be decent if parented well... and it makes me wish for parents to have to acquire a parenting licence.

[half1113]

The other thing that gets me about these parents who unleash their kids in stores like other people unleash their dogs in parks, is don't they care who might be taking an interest in the brats? It doesn't take much to lure a stray kid away and interfere with them. With all the paranoia about stranger danger and sexual predators that most parents display nowadays, you'd think they'd put two and two together and actually, you know, keep the kids by their side in public?

I actually say this out loud in stores when the parent is walking off and leaving their child or I see one running around like a wild banshee. Of course I also say out loud that other customers marinate in their perfume/cologne.

Btw iciclespark I love the fucktrophy, thanks for introducing it to me.

[nirak]

I used to work in the children's wing in a library (way back in H.S.) It HORRIFIED me how many parents would leave their kids there alone, all day.

We would have to call the police at least once a month because some dumb twit would leave their kid there till closing time. These weren't old kids, either. People would leave toddlers. And then they would get super pissy that we called the police! It's called neglect.

[Rinky vs.4.0]

^Holy shit, people just leave TODDLERS alone in stores? The fuck? That's something we don't tend to see here, thank goodness. Any parent who does that should automatically be charged with child abandonment and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

[iciclespark]

I used to work in the children's wing in a library (way back in H.S.) It HORRIFIED me how many parents would leave their kids there alone, all day.

We would have to call the police at least once a month because some dumb twit would leave their kid there till closing time. These weren't old kids, either. People would leave toddlers. And then they would get super pissy that we called the police! It's called neglect.

The CSM at my bank said this sort of shit happened regularly in the book store she worked when she was younger. One mother in particular would bring in her four kids, the oldest maybe being 7, and leave them running around in there for hours while shopping in the mall. Repeatedly she was told the store wasn't a babysitting service.

One day, Amy had enough and called the cops, who brought child protection services down. They waited an HOUR after THEY arrived for the mother to show. The best part? The mother was pissed at Amy for calling the cops because she wasn't doing anything wrong.

[jeth]

^ I'm sure CPS would beg to differ!

If she had left them at home without adult supervision I'm sure CPS would have strongly considered taking them away, even if only temporarily, to teach her a lesson. Just because she leaves them in a public place with adult staff members around doesn't mean what she's doing is any better than leaving them alone at home. She's still abandoning them somewhere because she can't be bothered to get a babysitter and she's putting them in a dangerous position, i.e. at home they would be alone if an emergency broke out, in public one of them could get snatched and nobody would notice they were missing for awhile. Very uncool.

[Rinky vs.4.0]

^Unbelievable.

This thread reminds me actually of this student we used to have at one of the schools I taught at in Japan - a really nice little six year-old girl. The first time I taught her I was utterly amazed to learn that she was supposed to make her way, entirely on her own, on the subway across the city to go home. And there I was, making sure I walked her around the corner to the office, after the lesson, out of concern for her safety. I expressed amazement to the staff that this child was allowed to wander around alone, and they were all, "It's Ok, she has a mobile phone.' I'm sorry - a SIX year old wandering about a major city, all alone? What were her parents fucking THINKING? Apart from, "I'm too lazy to look after my kids," obviously.

You know, I hate that one more than anything - people who think mobile phones are somehow magical child-protection device and that if a kid has one, he or she will somehow be automatically protected from bad people or events. These days, in my country, phones actually make children prime targets for muggings rather than protecting them. Plus,I really don't think your average pedo cares if the kid has a mobile, because a mobile is easily confiscated and disposed of anyway.

[iciclespark]

^ Exactly. Our friend got mugged at knife point for a lower-end MP3 player for fuck's sake. Great, you bought your kid a RAZR phone. Way to place a target on his 8 year-old back as he takes the subway alone at ten pm.

[Cam]

^Holy shit, people just leave TODDLERS alone in stores? The fuck? That's something we don't tend to see here, thank goodness. Any parent who does that should automatically be charged with child abandonment and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
People did that all the time in the mall when I was working there part-time. Drop them off in the videogame store then leave. I'm talking kids who at most were 7 or 8, like it's a safe zone. oy


anyway, thank you for the work "fucktrophy". I shall use it with glee.

[spydergrrl]

OMFG! This is the first time I've read this thread and I nearly spat my coffee out while I was reading your open letter iciclespark! That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time and is absolute gold!