When your discipline strategies don't work anymore...

[FaerieDreamer]

x-posted from my lj.


Xavier broke my sunglasses yesterday. I mean, just full on, intentionally snapped them in half. They're little clip-ons so they were pretty flimsy to begin with. But he was upset at Daddy for not getting his mac and cheese quick enough, so he picked them up off the table and snap.

He got a time out, had a big box of cars taken away and got an extremely stern talking to. He KNOWS he's not supposed to touch Mommy's glasses. He knows better than this.

I just went to try to have them replaced. It's going to cost about $40 to order a new pair. I didn't realize it was going to be that much. These things were all of three pieces of plastic and a magnet. So now I'm feeling like Xavier should have had more of a consequence. But I can't exactly go back in time to punish him again.

I just don't know what to do. He's getting such an attitude lately. Everything is screaming and throwing fits again. I don't know where this is coming from. I thought he'd outgrown the tantrums, and yet here they are worse than ever.

I don't even know if our timeout methods are even working anymore. He gets sent to his room and has to sit on his bed for 3 minutes. Then when he's calm, I go in and talk to him about what he's done. I make him tell me why he thinks he's in trouble, then go over the rules again, and have him say sorry. But now he goes in there, and starts screaming "Mommy, I want you to talk to me now! NOW MOMMY" So that's why I've started taking things away from him. He's already lost his train set because he kept pulling them apart and messing with the batteries. But it's still not curbing his behavior at all.

ugh...I just don't know what to do with this little demon. I want my sweet boy back.

[Jezebelle]

How old is he?

I would consider making the time-outs longer and definately ignore when he demands you come and talk to him.

[FaerieDreamer]

He's three. The general rule of thumb for time-outs (as put forth in all of those parenting books) is that you give them 1 minute per year. Hence the three minute time out. Otherwise it gets too long for them and they forget why they are there, or even that they're being punished at all.


And I do try to ignore the screaming once he's there. If he goes on and on for the whole 3 minutes, I'll pop my head in his door, tell him that when he's calm and quiet I'll come in and talk to him but not before then.

This is the first time he's actively been destructive though. That's what's got me flustered. Before if he broke anything it was an accident. But this was a deliberate act.

[courey]

I wish I had some advice to offer you, gal. Garion is going through the same exact thing lately, and I'm starting to wonder if we're going to be dealing with behavior problems. :/ I've always heard age three is worse than two, so maybe that's it, but I just really don't know. My daughter didn't really go through this kind of thing.

[Jezebelle]

I would advise you to listen to the parenting books at times, but to be comfortable with altering them from time to time. Do you think your son would know he's still being punished at 6 minutes? If so, I would extend the time out.

Of course, I should say no, I don't have children but have been working as a school psychologist for 7 years. I've worked with lots of parents regarding discipline, however I knew their child. Obviously I don't know your's. But any discipline should be consistent and firm and specifically tailored to fit your child, their behaviors, and their level of maturity.

[FaerieDreamer]

Oh I know. I don't follow parenting books religiously. We've tried longer time outs, and he ends up just playing in his room.


A friend of ours said he might be jealous of the new cat we just adopted. He's been so enamored with it, that I didn't really think of the adjustment he might be having to make. Plus the escalated tantrums have been going on for longer than we've had the cat. So it might be part of what's causing the behavior, but I don't think that's all of it.

[PotatoFace]

Have you tried making him a naughty chair?

gal who was on my friends list did this for her daughter and it seemed to work well. I think putting him in his room might be a confusing gesture. You want him to go into time out, but putting him into his room isn't really a punishment place because he can get into his toys and play. Maybe setting the chair like say in the kitchen with nothing around him and making him sit there for the three minutes will be better? He'll get angry, and he'll try to get up, but just be firm and make him stay there.

[Jezebelle]

^ thats actually a really good idea.

[bear]

I always use the step. There ain't nothing going on on the step! Bedrooms tend to distract my kids and they forget why they were there to begin with.

If he were a bit older I'd consider having him shimmy up some of his own money to assist in paying to repair/replace the glasses. I don't think "expensive" is something a 3 yo really grasps though.

Good luck as it sounds like he is definitely testing his boundaries. Both of my kids were more spirited at 3 than 2.

[PotatoFace]

^ thats actually a really good idea.
yeah, well you might want to take everything I say with a grain of salt. Agreeing with a condesending know it all might get you in trouble [post59]

Yeah, but it is a good idea. When she was talking about it I had one of those "wish I would have thought of that" moments. Madeleine is too young to implement this but when she is old enough I plan on doing it.

I dunno, something about locking kids in their rooms, or well not locking in them, but keeping them in there for punishment with the door shut just doesn't sit right with me. It's not like something "wrong" but I dunno. Especially at that age, i would think it could bring up a lot of abandonment issues.

[FaerieDreamer]

hrm. The problem w/ only being online at work is not being able to respond in a timely manner.

I guess it doesn't matter what I say at this point. But I just want to point out that I absolutely do not agree that putting my son in his room causes him to feel abandoned. He KNOWS what he's done wrong, and he KNOWS that he's being sent there as a punishment. He also knows and completely understands that I am going to be back in the room with him in a few minutes to talk about what's going on. He gets that. He gets a lot more out of that type of discipline than just telling him to stop.


That said, I haven't tried a naughty chair or step yet at this house. We tried it at our apartment and it didn't work at all. Now we have a bi-level house, so it might work to set him on the bottom step or something. Because he needs to be removed from whatever situation he's in. I've found that distraction rarely works for him, he needs to just be taken completely away from the room/whatever he's been up to. Which is why I started taking him to his bedroom in the first place. But that is a good idea (thanks Supernanny! :) ) and I think I might start to try to implement it.

[CocaineLipgloss]

Yeah, I agree that a naughty chair or step would probably work better than sending him to his room where there is stuff to play with. I nanny for a 4 year old and I've made the mistake of putting him in a time out with some toys and books within his reach. When I came back to talk to him, he had totally forgotten he was in time out in the first place and was just happily playing!

[Ryoko!]

I put Logan in a corner for time outs. he gets to look at the wall, and nothing else until 'time out' is done. Putting him in his room was pointless, too many toys!
if possible, I make the punishment fit the wrongdoing, if he doesn't pick up his toys, I start throwing them away (not really, i just grab a trash bag and start stuffing and when he starts picking the rest up he gets them back). If he doesn't pick up his clothes, I don't let him play with anything until his 'chore' is done.

Be prepared for a huge fight. Kids at this age are very headstrong and will do anything to get what they want. You've already let him win last time you tried to put him in a 'time out' spot. So he'll fight again just becuase it worked so well last time.
Oh yeah, you'll probably feel like a total a-hole too. just remember, when it comes to certian things, it's better for him to know that you're the parent and, for good reason, he needs to listen to you, at least some of the time ;).

[DeLiteFull]

[YIKES] my son is 3 too, it must be the age i am going through the same thing, the naughty chair does not work for me he calls it his 'special chair' so his made it his own. Now i just take away toys... and bang my head up against a brick wall!

[FaerieDreamer]

This weekend proved to me we need to start implementing a naughty step/chair type of thing. I sent him to his room twice (once for pulling the cat's tail, and another for a tantrum) and both times he proceeded to throw every single thing off his bed, including his sheets. I'm sure if he knew how he'd have stripped the bed completely. *grumble* So he had to spend an extra 3 minutes for making a mess.

So...yes. We will be doing something differently.

[Churumbela]

I'm not a parent, but I am a preschool teacher, and the naughty chair works wonders. (Of course, it can't be called the naughty chair at school. Bad for self esteem.)
I've also learned the "one minute for every year" rule, but I do not stick to that. I usually have the child sit there until they can explain to me why they are sitting there. You would be amazed at just how much a three year old understands.
Also, I have found it is extremely effective to talk to young children in terms of feelings. "What you did made Mommy feel very sad. Do you know why I feel sad?" Or, "I understand you are angry with Daddy because he took a long time with dinner, but when we are angry, we use words. We don't break things."
Children of this age are really beginning to be interested in emotions, and this kind of talk can help them express and understand their own as well as other people's emotions.

[courey]

^for real. All the times Garion [3] has stomped off to his room saying, "I'm MAD," only to return a couple of minutes later with, "I'm happy now!" is a reminder of how much they're into labeling emotions right now. :)