on NOT being pressured to have kids

[eurotrash]

I visit this forum occasionally, but I'm childless rather than CF, so I don't post much. But I'm always a little surprised to hear how many of you are being pressured and questioned about your choices. Have any of you managed to sail through the CF lifestyle without this kind of annoying intrusion?

The irony of it all is that I have the perfect life to be CF, if thats what I wanted. The only person I can imagine marrying has a child already (lives with the mom), and wouldn't pressure me to have another if I didn't want one. My parents have never ever even talked about me having kids, much less expected me to have them. They're not even all that big on me getting married, for that matter. They are very focused on education and career and in no way are children considered an automatic. Even in my extended family, several of my aunts and uncles are CF, and everyone is fine with this. In fact, when my aunt (who we all assumed was CF) got pregnant, we were all sort of appalled. Most of my friends will probably end up popping out a kid or two at some point, but no one I know is in any hurry to do so, and I don't think they'd judge me. My doctor certainly doesn't seem to care.

So reading all of your stories, I feel kinda bad! Anyone want to trade? I've got a totally baby-proof, CF-friendly life and it could be all yours for the low price of just three monthly installments of $99.99!!! (sex with my boyfriend not included)

[jeth]

I don't get pressured nearly as much as I have to deal with people learning that I don't want kids, the invevitable jaw drop and look of shock, and then various criticisms about my decision. Like I must be crazy or something to not want them. (got this reaction from a few of my friends)

I think what has helped for me, at least with the immediate family, is that I've been making statements to my parents for years now that basically say "The only grandchild you're going to get is a cat." We've never argued the point, and they've come to accept it. Of course we also have a CF relative in the extended family and I think it was easier for them to see that she's lived a fabulous life so they aren't worried about where mine is going to end up.

The places where I get the most actual pressure would be with extended family, so I simply limit my contact with them and all is well.

[HideAndSeek]

Initially I had a few arguments but now my friends are so used to my decision not to breed that they just laugh when they hear someone ask me if I have children. My mum also knows it's never going to happen but the extended family standardly grill me about my love life and when I'm having children whenever I see them, which thankfully is only a few times a year.

The biggest problem group for me are the people who don't know me at all or don't know me very well. I've had numerous arguments with co-workers and others about whether I will change my mind "when I meet the right man", whether I'm selfish for not wanting children, whether I'm incapable of providing any kind of opinion about children without first breeding my own, whether I have a right to be supported when I get old if I haven't created the next generation who will be responsible for looking after my generation and on and on and on..... Sometimes I'd just like to beat them with the nearest heavy object.

[Kari]

My mom's been awful lately. She's like "Just have ONE!!111". Like children are cookies, or something.

I tell her, "You have two grandchildren already. Their names are Bean and Scampy and they are both very cute". ;l

[iciclespark]

I've experienced more of what Jess has - people attacking my choices or acting like I'm crazy not to want children, or that I'll change my mind. However, I haven't told my parents, save my forgetful father, who reacted well.

My grandparents brought up the marriage and kids issue when they found out I was bi (and at that time, I was dating a woman). They went on about how initially they'd been saddened because, "When you think of your grandchild growing up, you picture a perfect wedding, kids, all that... But then we realized, those are OUR dreams. And we have no right to dictate what you do."

To which I cracked off then that kids and marriage weren't something I was keen on, but the sentiment was clear: we love you, period.

I expect to get the pressure once we start announcing our engagement all around the family circle. Because Doug is 30, I expect we won't hear the end of it from his side.

[jenniferblaufrau]

I have never been pressured by anyone to have kids. One of my ex’s mothers brought up grandkids now and then, but she was never obnoxious about it. Since I have a slew of older siblings, my parents have many grandkids already. Even if they didn’t, though, I can’t see them trying to pressure me. They learned long ago that I make my own decisions.

[Thom.]

The gay thing has helped.

[toriwannabe]

My husband and I have been discussing the issue of children. I said the only reason I'm even THINKING about the prospect is due to the expecations from friends and family and the fact that my doctor says time is running out.

Those are not good reasons to have a child!

[HideAndSeek]

Youre absolutely right torinwannabe, it's not a good reason to have kids. I can't even imagine bringing a child into this world unless I wanted it with every fibre of my being. How on earth can anyone stay patient, loving, generous, thoughtful and consistently put the best interests of the child first if they're not truly and completely wanted in the first place?

Children more often than not put your life on hold to some degree until such time as they leave home. I know that those who have them and love them say that any sacrifice is worth the joy they give you, and I can understand that if you're passionate about having kids in the first place. The only thing I can say is make sure if you do it, that it's what you and your husband want, not what someone else expects of you. I can guarantee you that those people putting the pressure on will not be there to hold your hand when you get up to a screaming baby in the middle of the night, nor will they be there to babysit at a moments notice, etcetera etcetera...