Daddies in the delivery room? (thread split and moved from the CF forum)

[frangipanigrrl]

I'm off topic, I know, so I'll just say childbirth is gross. The only good thing about actually having the baby is not being able to see what's going on down there.
Pregnancy however, I've never felt better.

Peace,
Windy~Sky


Ha ha. When my best friend had her first child 3 years ago she did a vaginal birth and had no epidural because the anastesiologist was late and she was too dilated by the time he was available (mind you, she'd been VERY clear she wanted an epidural from the time she arrived at the hospital). She still talks about the fact that the nurses and doctor in the delivery room kept asking her if she wanted a mirror placed so that she could SEE the baby coming out. They asked her a few times and she kept telling them "no way". She said that if she saw it she would completely pass out--because she was already near passing out from the pain. The hospital staff seemed surpised that she didn't want to see her vagina torn open. Her husband mistakenly looked down once and turned completely white, got dizzy and never looked away from her shoulders and above again. He told her he's never been so grossed out in his life. When she had her second child last year she had a C-section and didn't see a thing. Her hubby didn't even bother to look at anything because he knew he wouldn't want to see any of it.

[Master Shaman]

Fathers/husbands shouldn't be in the delivery room to begin with. If you don't know what to expect, childbirth can be extremely gross and unsettling.

[katz]

Kev was with me for the full near 23 hours. He knew that the whole affair was not going to be anything pretty and was less squicked out by everything than I was and he saw a lot more than I did. I probably would have given up and be locked in a looney bin if he wasn't there.

I have to confess, I'm kinda happy I ended up with a c-section. I heal amazingly well from surgeries and something tells me if this baby had come out vaginally I'd not be feeling as great as I do right now.

[RedHead]

I would think most women in labor would want their partner with them. I mean, you're awake the whole time...the other person responsible for this should have to endure some of the pain (hand squeezing) or at least realize how unpleasant it is.

[Charles:]

Fathers/husbands shouldn't be in the delivery room to begin with.

Huh?

I'm very glad that I was there. I found it fascinating and not gross at all (the actual birth that is). The nurses kept telling me that if I felt faint to just sit down. I looked at them oddly and turned back to see what else was happening.

I would have been a bit upset if I didn't get to cut the cord.

That being said, I can certainly understand how certain fathers might find it gross, but I think each person should decide that for themselves and consider their involvement based on that.

[Rinky vs.4.0]

I wouldn't want my partner seeing me in that state. Or rather, my bits in that state. I'd be worried he'd go off sex for life.

I also find the idea that he should be there simply to endure some of the pain a trifle weird. I mean, you chose to be pregnant, right? You know it's going to fucking well hurt coming out. Your guy should be punished for this? That's a bit childish, innit?

[Kari]

I wouldn't want my partner seeing me in that state. Or rather, my bits in that state. I'd be worried he'd go off sex for life.


Mike and I have an agreement that if by some horrendous freak accident of life I wind up pregnant, he gets to wait it out in the waiting room and my moms can deal with my screaming. I don't think he could deal, nor do I think anyone should be forced to. And yes, some men have sexual issues with it as well, its a fact and something they should be adequately prepared for.

[Master Shaman]

Huh?

I'm very glad that I was there. I found it fascinating and not gross at all (the actual birth that is). The nurses kept telling me that if I felt faint to just sit down. I looked at them oddly and turned back to see what else was happening.

I would have been a bit upset if I didn't get to cut the cord.

That being said, I can certainly understand how certain fathers might find it gross, but I think each person should decide that for themselves and consider their involvement based on that.

I don't really get this whole "birth is natural and beautiful" thing. It's not a show, it's not glamorous or miraculous. There's the vag stretching, the episiotomy, the squeezing, the howling, the pissing, the shitting, the bleeding, and that's if everything goes right. If there are complications, things get uglier: say, if the presentation is breech or transverse, a lot of manual manouvres have to be performed; if the bleeding doesn't stop, things get scary. There's nothing beautiful about the process itself (as for the end result, that's debatable, especially in this forum), and I don't think this is something that men should get to see.

I prefer the way things are done here: women go to the maternity ward, husbands/boyfriends go home and they get a call when things are done. This way, there aren't that many people prancing around delivery rooms and getting in the way, dads bugging doctors instead of letting them do their jobs, cameras shoved down parturients' cunts to capture every single moment (I mean YUCK! What kind of kid would like to see him/herself stretching mommy's twat and tearing it?).

[Rinky vs.4.0]

I've often wondered what people DO with their childbirth videos. I mean, do they get them out of an evening when they're bored with their Lord of the Rings DVDs, and gather the whole family 'round. "Look, Timmy, the doctor is cutting mummy's vagina so you could come out! Listen to her screaming! Ain't it the most AMAZING thing you ever did see! Oops, now mummy's shat herself, awwww."

I mean ... I realise it's a significant event and all that, but I can't imagine why anyone would want to watch it for entertainment purposes.

[hollerskates]

I prefer the way things are done here: women go to the maternity ward, husbands/boyfriends go home and they get a call when things are done. This way, there aren't that many people prancing around delivery rooms and getting in the way, dads bugging doctors instead of letting them do their jobs...
if family members are interferring with doctors, i think they should be made to stay in the waiting room. but home? i would at least want my husband at the hospital. like you said, sometimes things don't go well. i'd prefer my husband be there rather than get a call with bad news.

that being said, i think pregnancy/giving birth is weird and gross/not gross and interesting at the same time. i draw the line at beautiful.

[Kari]

Oh, I'd want my husband at the hospital, just not in the room with me. Or at least not SEEING what was happening. I fucking wouldn't want him to.

But then again, this just ain't gonna happen, so i am speaking completely hypothetically.

[Steve SFM]

But Kari, are you SURE that you won't change your mind?

:D

*runs*

Steve the Sweet Fat Man

[chickentart]

Yeah, staying north will work for me. Stay north. Hold my hand. And we're good.

[frangipanigrrl]

Yeah, the childbirth video thing is something I totally don't get. Videotaping after everyone's clothes are on and their medical needs are taken care of is another thing (i.e. mom and dad holding baby in blankie, nobody's bleeding or torn or mucousy), but the stuff before....ewww. I can't think of taking pleasure in showing any friends or family members my vagina. Really. If I wanted my father-in-law to see my vag sooooo bad, I'd just show it to him. I don't know many people who happily show their crotch to uncle Jimmy or aunt Betty.....so who all these videotapers are I'm not sure. I'm sure however, that their are couples who tape it just for themselves and don't pull it out at family gatherings (I hope?).

My friends' husbands who've seen the childbirth thing admitted to being a little turned off even later on....sexually. They had a hard time seeing their partners as sexy and attractive again because they still had the image of them shitting themselves everywhere in their minds.

[toriwannabe]

"Ain't it the most AMAZING thing you ever did see! Oops, now mummy's shat herself, awwww.".

[post83] So gross. I never actually knew that happened, but I guess when they say 'push', that would generally be a consequence.

Maybe that's why the trend for c sections seems to be on the rise.

[bear]

I remember my mother's best friend asking me if I wanted to watch her daughter's birth tape. I was 12. And HORRIFIED. If you want to have a tape for yourself by all means but please refrain from sharing it.

They asked me if I wanted a mirror when my daughter was crowning. Um no. I can feel very well what is happening thank you. The visual is not necessary.

As for fathers in the delivery room, I'm for it. If my husband had been opposed I would have certainly respected that. I lucked out with him. He was intrigued and in awe of the entire thing. In his eyes I became more beautiful and his respect for me grew.

\end muckyuck ;)

[Paul]

I don't really get this whole "birth is natural and beautiful" thing.
It's a little thing called support and encouragement in an emotional and difficult time.

[Paul]

...dads bugging doctors instead of letting them do their jobs...
My first son ended up being born by emergency cesarean after over 40 hours labour. I was the one who alerted the staff that things weren't right with the monitor. I'm bloody glad I was there to "bug" the doctors who were attending other mothers at the time.

[mellissima]

I really didn't want my partner seeing all that goes on down there, but the doctor invited him to hold my leg and he had a birds eye view of it all. Later he said it was the least sexual thing he could imagine, and that it was all about the head popping out - not ogling the vagina. I'm just glad he still voluntarily has sex with me. :D

[Charles:]

Dan, I never really mentioned birthing being beautiful. It can be rather intense and for some, gross. I, however, didn't find it gross. Like I said, it was very interesting for me to see, and similar to Miss Moon's man (say that 3 times fast!) it wasn't sexual at all...purely clinical, and it most certainly didn't turn me off to sex at all. I made sure I stayed a good distance from the docs as I'm not a dolt and understand that for the most part, they need room to work and don't want me fumbling around next to them. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, and in that case, yeah, get the fuck out of the way and get to the waiting room.
For the fatherly aspects...I was half responsible for my son, so I most certainly wanted to experience him being brought into this world. Not cause it's "OMG, so beautiful and natural" but cause he's my son and I want to be there at pivotal points in his life. I think that counts as one.
Also, it wasn't like I was camped down there with popcorn and slim jims. I'd check on his mom, and really, she only wanted me there if something went wrong. She didn't want me coaching her and rubbing her, she just wanted to get it over with, so I stayed out of her way most of the time...occassionally looking at her for signs of need or concern. I most certainly didn't film anything (aside from her and me holding him after everything was over)

[Jezebelle]

Dan - your responses in this thread is hysterical!

I won't want my husband to see whats really going on downtown. I do want him to see me sexually again - its an important part of our relationship imho. He gets grossed out with the mere mention of period talk and anything related to blood whatsoever. So, I will gladly have him in the room, but right up near my shoulders and above the sheet around my knees. I was (unfortunately) at the doctor's office last week with my husband and when they went to do an exam, they pulled out the stirrups. I saw my husband turn quickly and then suggested he leave the room. You could literally see the dust on his ankles as he ran out of the room ;)

I will appreciate any support he'll give me within the limits of his ability to handle it. I don't want to see any looks of disgust on my husband's face, ya know?

[RedHead]

Well, if I got pregnant by some weird twist, I would want my partner in there. Properly prepared, they can handle it. Many men do it every day and don't die of fright at the sight of it. Sure it's gross, but seriously, if they had a hand in creating the baby, they should prepare themselves to handle this too. And they don't have to look at the thing coming out if they don't want to.

But if I had a baby, it would be a decision between the both of us. Sure, I would know that I'm going to be the pregnant one (god it freaks me out just talking about it), but that doesn't absolve him of responsibility to help me through it. Sorry. If we made the decision to raise a child together, then he'd better have decided to be a part of the birth too. If he gets to be a part of the fun, he can endure a bit of the pain.

Want kids but don't want to be there for the birth? Don't have them with me. (Not that I'm having them anyway.)


Yes, yes, and yes! I completely agree here!

It's a little thing called support and encouragement in an emotional and difficult time.

Exactly!!

I would be really offended and mad if my husband opted to stay out of the delivery room. If he doesn't want to look, he doesn't have to, but it is a difficult time and I would hope the person I pledged to spend my life with would WANT to be there for me and our child.

Also, my husband is a doctor, so if he wants to look, deliver, and/or cut the baby's cord, that's fine with me. He'll probably want to do it, since he's medically capable.

[limagre]

My husband is a wuss. If I were giving birth, I don't think I would want him in the same state as me. He'd be the total freak-out, fainting, panicking, crying, screaming type. I had surgery once and he was a basket case, so I speak from experience... and I decided that if I were giving birth, I need to worry about me and the baby, not my husband.

And if the situation were reversed? I don't know if I would want to watch him pass something that large out a hole that small.

That being said, it would be nice to have someone who has a comforting presence to hold my hand.... I doubt if I had a baby they'd let me bring my dogs in.

And no video of anything that would get blurred out on TV. And mirrors? I never heard that before... No thanks!

[katz]

I had mentioned earlier in the thread that Kev was with me through the whole labour and birth process. He was my rock as cliche as that is.

From the very beginning he helped me with all my coping techniques, reminding me how to breathe through contractions, holding me while rubbing my lower back and helping me "sway" through the contraction peak. When I was admitted from the early labour lounge into my delivery room, I spent most of my time in the hot tub and then back to the birthing ball. He would rotate the hot water for me, help me to the ball (as multiple contractions ALWAYS fucking hit right when I'd stand up out of the bath). He supported me while I used the ball. He held the yackpan for me when I threw up. He made sure my music was playing for me so I had something to focus on. I could not have done any of that with just my attendant nurse or say, my mother. My mother is 64 years old, there is no way she could have held me up through all that physically. Mentally and emotionally I'd probably be locked up in a looney bin if I had gone through that alone.

When it came time to make decisions about an epidural and finally a c-section he was there supporting my decisions, he was there helping me feel better about the situation that was developing out of my control. I didn't have a "traumatic" birth by any means, but it could have quickly gone there without help and someone with a cool head.

For most of my labour it was just him and a nurse in the room with me. He was able to tend to me howling and crying, leaving the nurse to do what nurse things she had to do. For the pushing phase he held my one leg for me while the nurse had the other. He saw all the nastiness that was happening with me. During the c-section he sat with me at my head, but when Lucien was being delivered he stood and watched them pull our son out. He trimmed the cord and helped the nurse dry the baby. He held the baby during his postbirth testing and Vit. K shot.

I asked him today how he thought of me after seeing everything he saw in the delivery room and then OR. His answer was pretty heart melting for me. He said he has never been more proud of me and in awe of me for enduring the pain that I did for as long as I did to bring our son into the world. He was amazed by my calmness and acceptance that our birth didn't go the way we had envisioned it. He said yes, there was a lot of ick to the day, but it was worth it.

and then asked me when my 6week checkup appointment was and how quickly does my IUD kick in after having it put in. So it's safe to say he still wants to shag me silly.

as for videos and things.. kev took pictures of the room i was delivering in.. there are some pics of me in the hot tub and a few of me sitting on the bed (looking very in pain *L* sitting was NOT a good position for me). He has some pictures of in the OR of Lucien after he was born and put in the baby heater to be dried off and tested etc. We have a picture of us together that the anesthesiologist took. There is a video of me in my ward room from later in the day, and some pictures of me in the recovery room with the nurses showing me how to get Lucien latched on the boob and that. But no video of the birth and I wouldn't have wanted it anyways.

[katz]

kev was a pretty good sport about it all too. he kept up his sense of humour even though he said there were times he wanted to cry because i was in so much pain.

[katz]

I got the god damn sampler pack saucey!

[DeLiteFull]

I really think it depends on which angle they look at it from... i mean encouragment and support is definately required and you can do that with out looking at all the action down south.
A man may not want to be there because of the birth i understand that.. but surely supporting a woman through this outweighs that by far!
I would never had got through my v/b or my c/s withouut my husband.
As for being turned off sexually... lets just say I was not in so much of a hurry to jump back in the sack either!! :)

[Ryoko!]

I had an all-out c-section, so i'm not sure if i can really answer this question. All i know is, he was really cool about it, still got to cut the cord (maybe not the traditional way but hey, beggers can't be choosy!) and he got to see my guts! Which i didn't even know until like, a year later when i was all kinds of horny and on my period. He's all like, "i've seen your guts, and it was bloody..."

eep!!!

I wouldn't mind him down south for the main event if he wanted to be, i wouldn't make him stay or leave either (okay i don't know about the leaving part, he kept asking me questions during the contractions and i wanted him to die there for awhile...). i wouldn't want anyone else there though! I have to admit when i was told Logan was breech and i'd have to get a c-section becuase they said that his position made vaginal birth risky i was releaved. my sister in law wanted to watch and i wasn't looking forward to that...

[sugarnspice]

At uni I lived with 3 phsycology students. Apparantly once a man sees his partners vagina during birth it takes up to 2 years (and sometimes never) for him to feel sexual about that part of the body. Obviously he has his sexual needs but he will have a shift in ho he percieves the vagina.

Given that i'd say delivery room is fine but stay up at the head!