I was going to get some help.

[Canodiva1]

...And I chickened out.

I'm so pissed at myself. I had to go to a doctor today. It's a miracle to get me to see a doctor. I went for my ear infection and sinus infection. She told me she thinks I have an ulcer.

I was going to tell her, and I just couldn't make myself say it. fuck fuck fuck. I'm so mad at myself.

Lindsey

[Kai]

Going into therapy and asking for help are some of the hardest things to do. You're afraid that people will think you're crazy. You're afraid that you won't be taken seriously. And it feel like weakness to admit that there are problems.

I might be biased (since I work on a crisis line) but I've found that's one of the best first places to start. You remain totally anonymous, you don't have to give your name or phone number if you don't want to. You can hang up if you get too uncomfortable. And the people who are on the hotline can give you referrals to doctors who are understanding, some charge on sliding scale, and they are all really good.

Telling the first stranger is the hardest part. After that, it does become a little easier.

Good luck!

[Canodiva1]

Can I tell you something Kai?

I've always been so afraid of calling the hotlines... It was probably about 1995 or 96 when I was first getting depressed and suicidal. I was having a particularly bad night, and I decided to call one of the hotlines. I was bawling my eyes out, and I knew I had to just take some breaths before I called...so I calmed myself down a little bit, and then I called. When the person answered, I told them that I was depressed and wanted to die. The person said something to the effect of "I don't believe you. You're too calm for someone that wants to die."

And I didn't even know what to say to that. So I just hung up. And I haven't called back ever since.

I've just gotten so good at hiding how I feel until I am alone. I don't want other people to know these things about me, I don't want them to know how fucked up I am.

L.

[Canodiva1]

Eh, I was going to add this to my last post, but it's not letting me edit anything.

I know I need help. I just don't want anyone else to know.

Ugh. I'm really not doing well this week...I've been home alone all week. I'm not alone very often anymore, and it made me realize how much I was depending on my ex to get me through each day.

Not only are we not together anymore, but he's been gone all week for some work thing. I guess I'm in worse condition than I thought. I haven't been able to sleep, but at the same time, I haven't been able to get out of bed or do anything.

Jesus. I'm so afraid I'm just going to be frozen by fear in the same spot for the rest of my life.

I really want it to stop...I want to get out. I want to be in a place where I am safe and happy...I can't even sleep anymore. I just want to be able to sleep without the nightmares. Please...I want to get out.

[black annis]

stupid hotline people. i think if you are going to be someone who works on a hotline you should have to undergo a strict and strenuous aptitude test. they can't just have people on the phones who wouldn't have any idea what you are going through, or who aren't genuinely caring and willing to help.

"too calm for a persom who wants to die"...that's appalling. okay bitch what does a person who's suicidal sound like then???

but i'm so glad you found someone nice. there's a lot of them around and asking for help/therapy is hard, i know but once you find someone easy to talk to you find it'll get easier to open up.

lets us know how you're doing.