very angry rant

[Canodiva1]

_____Posted this in Suicide and Clinical Depression, but I guess it doesn't really belong there. I suffer from major depression, but this is only sort of related. I guess it doesn't belong here either, but I don't know where else to put it.

I really seriously feel like killing someone tonight. I don't know if it should be me, my cats or him. I don't care. I just want to kill someone.

PS - I edited this when I pasted this here. It may look a little odd, but I figured I didn't want to piss off the mods too much. _____




You know what? F**KING SCREW IT ALL. I DON'T GIVE A S**T ANYMORE.

It's not even worth it, and I'm so damn sick of the whole stupid thing. You can all go to hell for all i care anymore. sick of you, sick of me, sick of these damn cats being in my way all of the time, sick of having some f**king loser for a fiance. f**king sick and tired of it all. sick of myself of being so pathetic to belong with them.

you know what else? you don't want to call me or email me you piece of s**t for a mother? fine. eat s**t and die. i want nothing to do with you anymore. i don't want to have anything to do with anyone anymore

i swear to god, i want to break stuff and hurt people right now. i want to stab him and hurt him so much, hurt them all. kill them all. i want them all dead.

i hate everyone so much and i am so angry and i just want to rip them all to little fu**ing pieces

[Canodiva1]

beh...please help me...

[genie]

I guess, your post can go wherever you feel comfortable posting it :)

Be angry. Some situations require that. Get some sleep, go out on a run, and then do something about what is f'd up in your life. PM me if you want to talk.

[Contents Under Pressure]

Feel any better?

Are you getting mad at yourself for wanting to inflict so much pain on others?

You said you have major depression. Remember that is going to cause most of your anger.

Write a list down. What is it, that caused for you to hate and give up.

Now look at the list. Is this really you talking or the depression?

I've seen you post serveral times. I've notice how you respond to people with a caring heart. You do care about people. Now care for yourself.

[Qui? Whee!]

My question is... do you always feel this way about your fiance or just when you're upset as you were when you wrote this?

Reason I ask is when I read over the line "I'm sick of having a #&$@ing loser as a fiance", my first thought was, "so break it off then".

I know sometimes this is easier said than done-- I've had some situations in my life that I felt I couldn't get out of... but forcing myself to get out of them were the best things I ever did for myself because I'm happy now with who I'm with, and treated as I should be, and I know that now... and no telling where I'd be if I hadn't gotten out of the situation I was in before. Best case scenario, living in some slum apartment or trailer... worst case scenario, which is more likely, beat up or dead.

[St. Theresa]

You're angry at your mother, too? That's the most significant thing, I think. Even more significant than your anger at your cats and your fiance. (If it helps, I have a feline I would like to murder, too.) There's absolutely nothing wrong with being angry. You just have to make good decisions about what to do with that anger.

Venting it is a great thing, but that just releases some of the steam. The kettle is still boiling. When you're calm enough, you really need to discuss what's bothering with you with the people in question. I hope your rant helped a little.

[Canodiva1]

Wow.

I guess I didn't expect to see so many replies. Thanks for listening.

CUP - Yeah, I'm mad at myself for wanting to hurt others. A list of the things that caused me to hate...I'm so angry because I have no control over my life. It feels like other people make the decisions for me, and I hate what I have become. It sounds so stupid, but I think I could have done important things, or at least stuff I enjoyed. And I see all of these people around me doing the things that I want to do, and I'm just totally left behind. I've really started to hate myself.

Is that the depression talking? In part. Like the depression gets me in this situation, and I just can't take it.

It used to not be so bad...I could deal with the fact I wan't going to amount to much. But I just can't deal with it anymore. I got to a point a few weeks ago that it was either get help or just give up totally and kill myself. And I'm too scared to kill myself...So I called a clinic...I have an appointment next Tuesday...

Kiwi - I know, I should break it off with him...I'be posted a thread about him somewhere in this forum...Long story short is he is not a bad guy at all. When I posted that I didn't mean he was abusive, because he's not. He was the first relationship I had that wasn't abusive...But things just aren't going well between us. And we talked about that...But I wonder if it's that I don't love him, or if this is another part of the depression.

I mean, I am a part of his family now. It's amazing, because I never really had much of a family before...And he and I have a lease together until August, so even if we did break it off, we're stuck living together.

St. Theresa - Even when I'm not really in an angry mood, I want to kill my Mom. I am so completelly furious with her for all of the things she did to us. I can't seem to get over the angry stage with her.

:: sigh of relief ::

You're right about the kettle still boiling. I'm hoping that when I go to the clinic next week, they will put me on meds and that will help a little. Because I don't want to talk about this with my Mom. Maybe I'm a little afraid of her and what she'll say...But I just don't want to talk about it with her.

I guess I keep forgetting it's okay to be angry.

Thanks for listening to me. I really needed this...I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a place to talk about this stuff.

Thank you...

Lindsey

[St. Theresa]

I understand hating Mom. I really did write a rant to her, filled with the f-word (I wore it out) a few years ago. We haven't spoken for 5 years. So, if you ever want to talk about Moms who stink, feel free to rant here or email me.

[Cheri]

Well at least you are getting it all out in the open instead of letting it fester. I hope you feel better soon. :)

[Qui? Whee!]

Lindsey,

If you're not sure, it will never hurt to push back the wedding date until you are. It's worth doing, because this is the rest of your life and you want to be happy with who you've chosen to spend it with :) Remember... you're marrying HIM... not his family ;) I know it's tough when you really like a family and aren't sure about the guy. Just push the date back and relax... if things are going to work, they'll work regardless of when it ends up happening...if not, don't worry... you'll find someone that does make you happy. :)

*hugs*

[Canodiva1]

Thanks St Theresa. I read some of your posts over if the Parents Pad, and you seem like such a good Mom. How did you become such a good Mom if you had a bad Mom? Are you ever scared of becoming like her?

Kiwi - For now the wedding has been postponed. Just haven't told his parents yet...

Thanks again for listening. Next Tuesday cannot come fast enough. I just hope I can work up the courage to make myself go.

Lindsey