these things i cannot hide [Archive]

dove95

05-17-2001, 03:12 PM

Well, that Scott guy was a loser. He just put up this wall like right after he met me... so it was an awkward pizza dinner that we had. He promptly brought me back about an hour later. It sucked.

So, I phoned Mike #1 just to see how his job search with the bartending gig was going. A part of me wanted him to invite me over... the other part of me was like... ugh, no. Why go over to a guy's place if all he wants is to put his stick in my honey when he's already got his own honey that he has no intentions of blowing off until he leaves for Florida. Sometimes I think I'm just stupid.

Then, I wrote about how much I was lusting after Mike #2's kisses and lips... sure, I'll share...
I can't stop thinking about his burning lips
that kissed me
as he pressed himself towards me. I keep
thinking now that
I'm so stupid for turning
it away.
His pretty blue eyes
They were blue, yes?
His cute little dimples
when he smiled
I should've kept kissing him.
I can't tell him that
it's all I've been missing since he's left
is the kissing.
That would be so wrong.
But I do miss the way he held onto me--
all that passion just melding into me.

He does seem very sincere and honest and I
think he kissed me because he saw something emotionally
attractive about me...
It just depends, I guess.
I don't know...

How can I compete with this other girl
that he likes a lot who's moving to FL?
And, I don't know--
why did he have to kiss me?
He's evil, evil!

And, see, too bad I'm not all that attracted to Jason #3 because he's so nice to me and plus, he's not a big boy. But his body reminds me of my third lover and that's just bad. Grrr, I don't know, but I do know that I need to get a job soon. Surely someone will hire me soon. I need to buy dressier shoes. Should I call Mike #2 while he's still at the dorm/apt? I think he's still at the Mets game. Nah, I'm not going to. What to do tomorrow? Sheesh... why can't I get a job?!

It was at this point that I stopped writing and looked at the phone numbers I had in the back of my lil' fat notebook. I see David's (charlie'swonderfuldog) number and decide to call him up. I figured he'd least expect it if he wasn't online and you know...

more to come later!

dove95

05-17-2001, 03:33 PM

he's probably going to read this, but i don't care...

I just got off the phone with David and we had a good hour discussion about our ex's, college, careers, and other stuff. He's so awesome. I want to meet him so bad during the NorCal gathering in July- if only just to have that experience of sharing the same breathing space. I can't believe his ex (she's this girlie who supposedly is bi, but who knows? Her being bi and their relationship was the whole reason he and I first started talking anyway) just brushed him aside. It sucks-- I'm at the opposite coast of him and I want to just hang with him so much. Is it weird to say this about a guy you've never met... I dunno his personality just rocks my world and it's like... I want to be his best friend, his support, his lover, his everything... and there's no doubt in my mind that he and I wouldn't get along in person. After all, he took my call even when he was sleepy and feeling sick. That's gotta say something :) He's a poet and a musician and oh my lord... when he told me the story of how his ex and him met, I just got so jealous. I want to meet my mate like that... anyway... She's on fucking crack for giving up this awesome guy.

I really hope that I get this job so that I can plan to come out there for a weekend to hang with Rob (and if you don't know who that is, I'll shoot you), Jared (exit 75), Beth (obscure), and David. He said that if I can make it out there for the tenative date of July 21 (and since it's so close to July 29), they'd all have to throw a bday party for me :) He's so sweet. *sigh* I'm beginning to think I picked the wrong coast to move to when the possible man of my dreams is miles away from me. Ack, I could be full of shit too and he could find me butt ugly in person, but hell... when I can, I want to and MUST go out there. Just to have an experience with this amazing individual...

AJ_Lover

05-17-2001, 08:27 PM

Originally posted by dove95
I guess like, only a few people come in here to read my random thoughts

I read! ;)

dove95

05-17-2001, 08:57 PM

I'm sitting at the Wood-ridge library, just finished reading L Hoffman's The Bachelor's Cat: A Love Story. It was a great little book. And, I want to punish myself more and read Bridget Jones' Diary. I hate being such a romantic sometimes. Why can't I be happy with just a five-minute fuck? Why can't I be more like a guy? A guy wouldn't be sitting here in a library contemplating about whether his soulmate stood right in front of him or whether she lives miles away. A guy would have that job by now because he wouldn't have let anyone change his mind when he had his doubts about teaching... (god, that sounds so stereotypical, but oh well.)

Anyway...
I'm half-tempted to accept Mike #1's offer to come over, if he asked me. (But it's now 20 til 8, so I doubt he'll call me up.) I need a distraction and he hasn't gotten booty (supposedly) since he was with me last. Yeah, he just told me today that him and his gf haven't had sex in 3-4 weeks. Okay, so... so, what am I supposed to do with that? Help him out? He probably faked it with me anyway because he felt guilty or something. No grunts or groans or anything. And, it's not like... hell, I've forgotten what I was saying.

I keep thinking about any chance I could realistically have with you know who *hee*. I don't have much luck with that name David tho. The first guy I seriously wanted to date, his name is David and he was my best friend's younger brother. Younger like 15 when I was 18 or something like that. So, he never took the hint that I was interested.

Then, my first semester at ISU, I met this hottie, but also incredibly nice, taken guy named David. Eventually, being the seductress that I am (ha!), he ended up breaking up with the gf and so he and I hooked up. Lots of kissing and oral fun... at least on his end. I was totally in love with him. Or so I thought-- I think I was just enthralled that I landed a hottie. Then, just when I tell him that I'll wait until he's ready to be an official couple, the next day he asks out my best friend/roommate, Jessica. Of course, she said no because friends don't do that. However, my feelings turned a 360. His retort as to why I shouldn't have felt bad or cared was, "It's not we were a couple or anything."

Last time I saw him was the last semester of school, so I guess that was a little over a year ago. I was dating my second lover at the time, but I could tell he wanted to make out with me if I wanted. Don't get me wrong, he was still a hottie, but his personality sucked in comparison. Despite all that, I sometimes wonder how he's doing now.

Wow... this is so not what I was expecting to write.

dove95

05-17-2001, 09:06 PM

I wish this library was open a lot later than 9:00.
I hate having batteries die in the middle of a song.
At times, I wish I still had a car.
I miss my kitty!
I miss college like crazy. I want to be a professional student.

Did I mention I have a mad crush on David and I don't care that he knows it?

It so sucks to want to be with someone when like, oh say... 3000 miles away from you. That and you haven't met him yet either. I swore I wouldn't get involved with anyone over the net, but damn... if you all knew him, you'd be smitten too :)

dove95

05-18-2001, 02:58 PM

You know I never realized until now that I've been doing a lot more writing now that I haven't been working as much this week. My thing is that I want to write something creative and important. Who really wants to hear how much I'm crushing on David? See, it's so funny because probably to everyone who may read this, it looks like this thing happened overnight. Truth be told-- I've always been enamored with him since the first conversation. He was so concerned about his relationship with his gf at that time and the fact that he was being so revealing in a matter of minutes with me was the best compliment towards me. At the same time, I thought, "wow, she's so lucky to have someone who cares this much about her. I don't think my bf would put up that much of a fight if he were to lose me." Needless to say, because I'm single now, I was right. When I moved, my ex bf could've said, "Good riddance" and it'd all be the same. hmmm... but is it pointless for me to crush on someone who I probably can't have? I was talking to piano_girl76 about this and she was like, "So move to Cali. You all can be the next Dent couple. lol..."

But you know, you get these thoughts in your head, "Oh, you haven't even met him yet" or "I need to change pens.... This blue pen is probably going to explode all over me. Oh well. Kinky! :p

So where was I? You know, at this rate, I'll be like Stephen King and be writing 10 pages a day. Did he mean typing or writing? Oh well.

But yeah-- "And, oh, you should never move for a guy" and all that crap. But hell, I just moved here. Well, sorta. I don't have a real job yet, so who knows? Maybe I'm just dreaming. Dreams are nice. I haven't had a dream in awhile that I actually remember. The last one I remember, it involved Heath Ledger and me against a bedroom wall in a heated embrace...

I just had a flashback of a poem. Well, more like I recalled a poem that I wrote a long time ago-- like 15 or 16 w/o any experience with boys. Amazing how things are now.

It's so weird that my reasons for writing at the core of it remains the same. I write about what I do not have or have yet to experience. I'm so much more mature about it now tho. And, I feel that even tho my poems touch me, I'm more so writing them in hopes that others relate and to hear them say, "Oh, I so know what that's like."

It's so quiet here and it just amazes me how loud my brain can get sometimes. I hear all these songs in my head, my voice, David's voice, Jason #3's voice... they're all in my head. Okay, that makes me sound schitzo or something.

I want to write something, but I don't know what. I figured eventually through writing this something would spark.

She's addicted to nicotine patches.
She's afraid of the light in the dark.

You know, that last line reminds me of how I like to sleep in the total dark. And, it sucks here because I have this security light that shines right in my window. I have a pull-down blind, but that only blocks a part of it. So, I have a towel hanging up over that-- yet, about a foot of light shines.

I wish my walkman batteries would hurry up and charge. It's so weird to not listen to music. I've got Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me" and Sara Lee's "Make it Beautiful" (in which Ani wrote, btw) both in my head. Two very different songs.

Could it be possible that I have nothing to say?
Could it be possible that no one is listening anyway?
I think I have something to say
but it's just a matter of who wants to listen.
Who wants to hear me blab about love and all that shit?
Who really wants to hear me complain about not having a job?
Surely there's gotta be more to me than what this pen can do.
This pen isn't even doing justice.
You can't see that I'm lying on my tummy
Cuddling my pillow underneath me
Wishing I were pressed to you instead
You can't see that even though I'm a perfectionist at heart
My room is still a mess
Will you still accept me amongst the rest?
Sigh... the thoughts you have when no one's around.
And see, it's not even about physical stuff anymore. I'm so drawn to his soul, his personality, his being that I would give anything to just hold him and be there with him.
You can't see that my ass is peeking from my sleeping bag.
You can't see this pensive expression on my face
when I think I've scared you away
You also can't see this Mona Lisa smile I have
if I think you felt the same.
I have this fear that if I think too much about it, I'll fall asleep with this blue gel pen in my hand and write the word "BLUE!" all over my face.

I wonder if I should stop writing here while I'm ahead.
I wonder what time I should head into the city tomorrow.
Maybe Atrium Staffing will have a job for me.
Maybe David will find my number (he could! It's on my webpage! hee!) and say, "Would I have to do to convince you to come out here?"
Maybe I'll buy a one-way ticket out of here.
Or maybe I'm just a pathetic, crazy dreamer who needs to wake up already.

dove95

05-19-2001, 12:41 AM

i wonder if he'll keep it to himself if he's read this or not...
i wonder if i'm loony

my body sure picks weird times to get horny...

i hope he's doing okay.

dove95

05-19-2001, 01:26 AM

I seem to forget that he's way over there and he's probably off partying somewhere, hitting on some girl...

or... nevermind... i'm tired. i shall leave this place.

Kriste has left the building.

for the night anyway.

dove95

05-20-2001, 02:19 PM

Written 5.19.01 @ 3:58AM EST

Well, the inevitable has come. I think I've been kicked out of my apt. You know, typically in these situations, you get some kind of notice and you get to have your stuff back. I have no idea what's going on. I stay at the computer cafe an hour later because I fear coming back here (the apt) for some reason. My heart giving a "pitter, patter" with every step. I unlock the first door. So far, so good. I unlock the bottom lock of our real apt door. Unlocked, but the deadbolt's latched. I unlock that, but as soon as I try to get in, the chain is hooked up! My roommate has never put that chain up since I've been there in these two months. So, I thought, "Oh, he's just playing a cruel joke." So, I knowck. Nothing. So, I buzz... nothing. I call his cell phone, hear it ringing and nothing. Uh oh, the tears start to fall and next thing you know, I'm in the fetal position, on the stairs, crying. So, I call up Jason #3, unfortunately probably waking up his entire family. Jason tries to calm me down... his suggestion is that I call the cops if I can't get in. Well, my best friend here is in TX for a wedding. So, I call the cops... they say that it sounds like a civil matter and that I need to talk to an attorney and that they couldn't do anything for me. Like, how do they expect me to do that at 3AM? So then I think... well, there's this guy Tom who had replied to my yahoo ad and had given me his number. Has a car. Maybe he can offer me a place to stay, as weird and as sudden as this might all be. I call him up and he says, sure, he can just help me out to get a hotel room or something.

Well, it's about an hour later since I talked to him. So, either a) he's not showing or b) he's on his way to come and get me. It's like fricking 4 in the AM tho. When was he supposed to work today?

You know, the fact that I've been kicked out doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that I can never get my stuff back. Everything that represents who I am and how far I've come in life is in that apt... my BA (which I know is just a piece of paper, but still), my portfolio of college papers-- all the proof that I'm a talented writer, and my CD collection-- all in that room that I feel so lost without. Screw the $20 that's hidden in that room somewhere. Screw the jewelry and the clothing. Those can be replaced, but not my music or my writing. I could just cry if I think about it.

Who is that guy in the car with it running over there? He's been sitting in his car there --> well, he was. If he were for me, he would've seen me. How can you not miss someone sitting on the ground, outside a 7-11, writing?

What am I going to do if this guy never shows up? What am I going to do if I never see my writings or hear my music again?

It's 4:20 AM now. At this point, I feel like I'm the most stupid person alive. I should never have come here. I should've sucked IL up and faced up to my mom. "Should've"s are just as bad as "what if"s. I don't want to be one of those annoying homeless people shaking a cup in your face.... Maybe that's him? Or not... woman!

I'm jobless. I'm nearly poor. My clothes are dirty. I probably smell. Tom probably won't pick me up because he thinks I'm this internet freak who just wants his money.

You know, life is a lot simpler when you have a companion with you. Like people who are in love... do they ever wonder about when they're going to sleep or when they're going to eat next...

At this point, I stopped writing because Tom showed up. He ended up taking me to this hotel that would charge me $135 to stay there until Monday AM. I had to work on Sunday AM, so at that point I didn't know how I was going to get to work, but it didn't matter. I thanked Tom for helping me out. I finally called my roommate's cell phone again at about 5:30 and left a msg saying something to the effect that if he were going to kick me out, we should be civlised adults about it and that I should be able to get my stuff. I stripped down because I wanted to air my clothes out and just kind of bundled myself into the hotel bed.

Then, at about 6:30, I get a call from the front desk saying I had a visitor, but that visitors weren't allowed. After that, I had a knock on my door. It was my roommate. Luckily, I gave him okay enough directions to find me. I told him to hold on so that I could throw my shirt and pants back on. He ended up telling me that it was an accident that he had left the chain up. If he wanted to kick me out, he said, he would've done it more properly. He was just like, come on, let's go back. So, we leave and fortunately, when I checked out, I got $110 back, so that was good.

I was kind of still wired at this time and didn't want to go to sleep so I hung out in his room talking about this whole job thing and whatnot and how scared I am that I'm not going to have money by the end of the month. He told me not worry about it at that moment and told me to go to sleep. So, I ended falling asleep on his bed until about 12:30.

Yesterday is still a blur for me because then he and I started drinking since I didn't have to work. We finished my tequila rose that Jason had gotten for me and two bottles of zinfindel. I don't want to say that my roommate took advantage of me because I was sober enough to know what was going on... but needless to say, he and I ended up making out. heavily. And, it's not like the alcohol took over. I really think my roommate is a swell guy and he supports my dream to get published, but I keep thinking in the back of my head that I really don't want to a) date a roommate and b) seriously get involved with anyone right now. My last bf just really ruined that for me. I kind of like the attention of meeting new people and all that. I just don't think I should let my roommate and I do that again. I just fear I would hurt him either emotionally or financially and I can't do that. I'd rather be his friend.

Nevermind the fact that in the back of my head, I keep thinking that my soulmate is somewhere still out there.

*******
That said, it's time for me to fax and email some more resumes since it's Sunday and Sunday = lot of job ads!

dove95

05-21-2001, 09:59 AM

Surely he's read it by now and if he has, he's being really cool about it. Probably a good thing. I'm not sure.

It's so weird to wake up at 5:30 in the am. I haven't woken up that early in... forever! Like high school even. It's nuts.

Oh, last night was sooo much fun! I went to this "Sunday Stage" thing at the Rising Cafe in Brooklyn last night because one of my fave electric guitarists, Ann Klein, was going to be there. So, I get there and then they ask me who I'm there to see and I say, "Ann Klein." The girl replies, "Oh, she's sitting right over there." So, I introduce myself to her and she gives me a hug. She's sooo tiny, but she looks older than I thought. I think she's probably in her early 30s. Unfortunately, I didn't gab with her right then cuz I had to take a major piss. *L* (I'm so girly!)

I get back and she's getting ready to play an acoustic set. She played... "Cowboy Poets," "Never Enough" (a song not on either album I have by her), "The Girl with the Prozac Smile," "I Don't Care," and "Someday." I think she might have played one more, but I'm not sure. She didn't have that long of a set, but it was great nevertheless. It was cool seeing her play songs I recognized and then throw in some that I didn't and throw other guitar riffs that I hadn't heard before. When her set was done, she sat by me and a couple of her other friends.

Jason #3 had given me Sara Lee's new album, Make It Beautiful and a couple songs feature Ani Difranco and Ann Klein playing together. So, I mentioned this to Ann and asked her if she really met Ani and all that... she said, yeah and that Ani is just so nice and great. Wow. Can you believe I'm less than two degrees away from knowing the best acoustic guitar player?! Under some certain circumstances, I could probably actually meet Ani. That would be sooo freaking awesome!

The rest of the performers were pretty cool. I even bought the CD of Deb Talan, supposedly she's from Boston. What's cool about that is she's played in a club that some guy I used to talk to on the internet some years back (he's the one who told me about Ani, Sarah McLachlan, and Dar before they became who they are now)... anyway, this guy works at this club that she's played at and she said he's really nice. I wish that guy and I still talked. I hear Boston is only like 4 hours away. The other thing, when I told Deb that she kinda reminded me of Lisa Loeb, she said "Really? She and I went to school together."

Gosh, I'm just degrees from everyone... hehe...

Re the roommate thing... yesterday was better. He didn't try to attack me like we were a couple. I'm hoping he can just tell that I don't want anything. It's too weird otherwise.

Must send out more resume/faxes!!

dove95

05-22-2001, 07:03 PM

Well... it appears that V, my roommate, is in love with me. What am I supposed to do with this?
I'm not ready to be in love with anyone right now.
I don't want to be in love with anyone right now.
I don't even know what I want from life right now.
I want to write forever.
Writing is the only place where I can be me.
I don't have to worry about the pen loving or rejecting me.
It's a safe, neutral place.
I hate having extremities in my life at this point.
I want to be happy but I fear I'm losing what used to make me happy.
What I used to do in my 9 month relationship-- the poems, my words-- did he care?
Why do I miss him even tho I'm over him?
I was comfortable with him, but I'm not ready to be with comfortable with anyone right now.

But I still have a mad crush on David and I have no idea what to do with that. I emailed him basically to tell him to read this thread... because you know how guys can be clueless like that... but anyway... I don't know what I'm expecting back. It feels like HS... like when I told all the guys that I had crushes on them, they ignored me from that moment on... it's like I misinterpret nicety for being somewhat interested. I thought that stopped after HS, tho. I don't know. I do know that I don't want him to ignore me and I know I don't want him to say he's madly in love with me either, as weird as that may seem. I just suppose I want him to be flattered and for him to say that he'd be interested if I were closer, but... I'm shutting up now. I don't know anymore.

I saw a guy on the subway Sunday night after the show... I kept looking at him, memorizing his physical features-- full lips, nice shoulders, and these really friendly eyes-- and I think the reason I was staring is because he vaguely reminded me of what I remember from David's pic. Not sure of a complete accuracy, but I'm sure the friendly demeanor that I saw is the same.

I still need a job. I was going to go to the city today to do some computer training at the staffing agency I went to two weeks ago, but the rainy weather is so unmotivating and I want to stay longer in the city than the three hours that the agency is slow and open, so I hope to work the net cafe tomorrow. V is being nice enough and letting me get away with giving him $300 for rent. He said the rest he'd have to borrow from someone. *sigh*

The sun better freaking come out soon!! I swear I have SAD without even being diagnosed with it. I thirst for the sun shining through the big poofy clouds. Nothing like that here... it depresses me severely.

dove95

05-22-2001, 07:08 PM

This song is just my favorite for the moment...

"Whetstones"-- Deb Talan

Something about these woods, something I like
Moss and an "old man's beard"
Dripping rain from a branch in the fading daylight.

And the way you move is dancing
While your mouth says funny things
I'm staring at your neck, thinking... (thinking)
Could I rest my faith in there and stay awhile?

Something about your eyes, something that might
Melt the winter in my heart like a tongue touching snow.

Something about your mind, different, clever, kind.
Maybe we offer each other, other.
If I'm with you long enough to whet our wills as we grow old
Could you let me close, to breathe your breath?
To touch your soul?

dove95

05-23-2001, 08:14 PM

Not sure what I'm writing about but I knew I wanted to do some writing. I got an email from Cliff (a guy I went to ISU with and had a pseudo crush on) in response to that stupid survey that my friend sent me. How come everytime I get an email from him I get all excited/nervous? A part of me thinks he's gonna change his mind about just being friends. Another part of me is just tickled that he takes time out of his work day to email little ole me. The other part of me is anxious about reading his emails is because he's the only guy that I know who can turn me on so much with just his vast knowledge. I think if he were to say, "Kriste, come back to IL... I've had a change of heart-- I can't let some other guy sweep you off your feet before I get the chance to." Sheesh... there I go with my hopeless romantic/dreamer-self again.

I miss my friend, Dave... he's a guy I hung out a lot with up until about three weeks ago... bought me the new Ani CD and everything... He's yet to return my calls and emails... So, either he's really busy (which sucks!) or he doesn't want to be friends anymore (which doubly sucks!)

I just listened to "tamburitza lingua" and just realized the power of that song. It feels as tho Ani was talking about herself or perhaps even me... amazing how some songs do that to you.

I think I'm going to stop writing and soak in "Reckoning" and call it a night.

dove95

05-24-2001, 08:27 PM

Well, David finally wrote back to my email, but because he's been so busy with final preparations- he really hasn't read all of this. If he has, then he doesn't mind. I'm not stressing about it. It's just nice to crush on someone who could actually like you back... or it's legal to do so. Like I could crush on Rob so hard, but he's married, so scratch that- it's just easier for me to think he's gay or something.

Anyway, I could possibly crush on Chris (neontorifan), who is actually close enough to meet. And, I'm about two months older than him... hee... I don't know much about him to know if he's truly crush-worthy yet. He does write poetry pretty well and I dig that.

So, I'm listening to "Revelling" again... which btw, I'm still getting the two confused. It's "Revelling" that I like, still trying to get used to "Reckoning." I haven't listened to Tori in forever; I feel like I'm cheating. But hey, when Tori's new album comes out, I'll be all over it.

her whole life is a long list of what ifs
and she doesn't even know where to begin
-that quote HAS TO find its way into a new sig soon.

I anticipate our first meeting
To feel you receiving me
in your arms
To see how your lips caress
the tip
of the bottle
As you take your drink
I think
could those lips taste better
than sips
of the finest red wine?
Could I have them on mine?

Okay, I'm trying to write a poem, but it's not coming out right. I'm feeling a muse but nothing I'm writing is making sense or sounds good. Doesn't it suck that we are our worst critic sometimes?

Maybe I'll write a short story- I just feel that what I want to write doesn't want to come out in poetry form. I'm scared to write what I want to write... hmmm... I think I vaguely remember someone telling me that I should write about what's going on so that I'm not so scared about it anymore. I'm scared that if I write what I feel, it'll come out all cheesy and cliche-like and I don't want that.

I've been sitting here with a pen in my hand for like 5 minutes and nothing has spilled out onto the page yet. I just thinking about you know who... Sending him good vibes... wishing I could rub out all his stress... caress the curves of a strong bare back with my smooth hands... wrapping my legs around his waist, continuing to brush my fingertips against his skin lightly... he's trying hard to ignore my touch by looking in his textbook, but by the change in his breathing, I can tell he's enjoying it. My head rests against his skin as I gently draw various shapes on his back with my fingertips.

My lips think of kissing the crook of his neck, but they turn away after a momentary kiss. My fingertip writes the words, "You are my sunshine" on his back, while his head is looking straight up now. He turns around, facing me, and asks, "You make me happy when skies are grey?"

I giggle and ask back, "I don't know... do I?"

"Has anyone ever told you that you have a beautiful smile?" he's smiling back at me.

"Well," I pause, and not trying to be flirty about it, I say, "it sounds much better when you say it."

"Well, you do," he says, placing his hand on mine and squeezing it.

I get all flustered when I look at his strong hand, thinking of what else it could squeeze and caress...

Suddenly, he lifts my blushing face with his eyes and hand. I feel his eyes glance at my lips while I sneak a peek at his. Is he going to kiss me today or next year?!

His hand trails down my chin, down my neck, over my shoulder, down my arm... he breaks his intense eye stare with me and says, turning towards his book, "I really should get back to--"

I cut him off. I turn his head with my hand in my direction and just kiss him, totally fearless of the consequence. He could pull away, but instead he envelopes me in his arms, bringing me closer. Every passionate piece of his being, of his soul, exchanging with mine in this delicious kiss...

*sigh* Well, not only am I out of room, but I've just put a potentially good dream in my head, so I don't want to write anymore for fear I'll spoil the moment.

dove95

05-24-2001, 09:08 PM

:O :O :O
:e
;n
;L
:f

Wheee! :O So, he knows finally :) And, he's not freaked out or ignoring me. I feel like a giddy teenager. I wish Rob would get his ass online... I wanna do a girl talk with him *LOL*

Anyway... this makes me feel good that if I were there, he'd wanna... of course, meet me first *L* Then, and I think there's no doubt, we'd probably would date perhaps. But see... he's such an awesome guy that I think I would go really slow and make every moment worthwhile...

I really hope I can get a job soon so that I can start saving up for the EWF gathering in July... Don't get me wrong, I'd love to meet Rob, Beth, and Jared... but I just want to mostly meet David. You know... it's like this. As cheesy as it sounds, to me, I figure why not? If you don't at least meet the person, how will you ever know? Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not gonna close my eyes to any opportunities here, but at the same time... I don't want to seriously date someone when there could be someone better suited for me. He could be my suit... but I don't know that for sure because I don't think you can totally love someone without being WITH them. I can think he's the world right now and love his personality, but it's not all who he is. The words on this computer screen don't totally represent who I am. Until you're a part of that person's soul while with his/her body, you're never going to know. And, I don't want this whole thing with David to be a "what if?" I gotta meet him sometime. It may not be for awhile and hell, it might be after we've found the supposed loves of our lives, but at least I want to have the experience with him... otherwise, it'd be like a "should've" instead of a "what if."

Not much else going on. In talking with David as I have, it makes me miss college that much more. See, at least he's got something to keep him from thinking, "Kriste... I wanna talk to Kriste... when can I talk to Kriste again?" every other five to ten minutes. I want something to distract me like that. I feel like dork thinking about David every hour... I'm like, hello! There's more to life than him. Job, job, I need a job... so I can save up to meet David. Writing... I want to write a kickass poem, which'll end up probably being about wanting to be with him. Ani... Ani... there, that's some good shit she plays :)

cuz I love you
and you love me
ain't that the way
it's supposed to be

Argh! I'm such a sap...
but damn, you don't know what a sigh of relief it is that I haven't scared him away.
Wheee!!

:O :O :O

dove95

05-25-2001, 05:38 PM

Totally random, but I went to the Beliefnet's website and took their "Belief-o-matic test" and here are my results:

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Liberal Quaker (94%)
3. Mainline to Liberal Christian/Protestant (94%)
4. New Age (78%)
5. Reform Judaism (76%)
6. New Thought (76%)
7. Neo-Pagan (74%)
8. Orthodox Quaker (66%)
9. Baha'i (65%)
10. Secular Humanism (64%)
11. Hinduism (61%)
12. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (59%)
13. Scientology (59%)
14. Theravada Buddhism (58%)
15. Mahayana Buddhism (55%)
16. Orthodox Judaism (48%)
17. Sikhism (46%)
18. Taoism (46%)
19. Jainism (44%)
20. Seventh Day Adventist (44%)
21. Roman Catholic (42%)
22. Islam (37%)
23. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (37%)
24. Atheism and Agnosticism (33%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (33%)
26. Jehovah's Witness (24%)
27. Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) (21%)

I should go back to the webpage and figure out what all that means. *L*

dove95

05-25-2001, 10:00 PM

This purple pen sucks. I should just toss it but I'm so frugal about pens that I like to use as much of it as possible, but this one breaks when I try to write smoothly, so g'bye purple gel pen. *toss* Here's the other purple one. It writes a little better. Anyway-- like this is relevant for anyone to know? I'm such a weirdo.

I'm so addicted to "Revelling." It's like these songs are telling the story of my life right now.

So yeah, David finally knows that I see him as a pli. Yup, he's been promoted. Hee... the ranking goes...
crush-worthy/crush --> date-worthy (which, duh, we've made that clear that I want to date him) --> pli, which stands for... this pen sucks too! Gimme that kinky blue pen! heehee) Anyway, pli stands for "potential love interest." After that is marriage-worthy, which no one's made it that high up yet. So anyway, he's a pli. I just wish I could meet him already, but after he finishes his finals :p

Anyway (I've said that a lot), I've mentioned this already, but I'm so glad that he didn't freak out. Of course, he could think me a freak with how much I've mentioned his name. But at this point in my life, I can't think of anyone who is worthy of this much mention. He deserves it and with his going through the end of the semester, his drive to succeed is such a turn-on.

See, I could easily write about every little thing about him that drives me wild, but I don't even know what type of gril he's looking for. But who knows, as weird as this sounds I have an ideal dream man, but I'm also open about it that it could be altered too.

I've been talking to a few of my guy friends about this and they were like, "Keep it cool, girl. You haven't even met the dude yet." Jason #3 was even like, "Yeah, he could turn out like the last guy you met" which that was a sucky experience big time. It just seems to me that since I have been talking to David this long, I've got a pretty good judge of his character.

I need a job soon... something's gotta give soon...

I was gonna talk to David on the phone, but he's not feeling too well... all this studying... he desperately needs "David" time... to do the things that make him him...

Sending good vibes his way, but I won't get carried away with the fantasy of running my fingers through his hair, giving him a soft kiss on his forehead, and putting a blankie over him so that he can sleep soundly.

Okay, I must stop being so fantastical, but damn... it's just so much fun AND... most importantly... it keeps me sane.

:)

dove95

05-26-2001, 03:24 PM

What could I possibly have to write about at 2 AM? blah blah David blah blah I hope he's doing better blah blah blah blah I want to talk to him on the phone just to make sure he's okay and that he's real blah blah blah I feel so pathetic because I'm so taken by him blah blah I gotta write more than this because otherwise I'll go crazy and just pick up and move in with some weirdo in Cali just so I can meet David and say that I got to give him a hug blah blah blah blah blah blah You know, you write a word over and over long enough and it starts to lose its meaning. It's funny how when you're a kid and you have to write "I will not chew gum in class" 100 times-- you don't even realize you're writing it anymore after about ten times. Or, you just go down the page like this:
I
I
I
I
I like
I like David
like David
like David
like David
like David
David
David

anyway... i'm so weird.

I'm not listening to Ani now surprisingly. I'm listening to Deb Talan's CD, which I like her twist of the phrase: "Love finds you when you least expect it." Anyway, she writes before her lyrics: "You can go looking for love like a hungry dog, but you are more likely to find when you have given up your desperate searching. Then it will come to you as unassuming, and as undeniable as smoke on the wind."

I have my ad up on yahoo, aol, match.com... you name it. I'm just fed up with guys right now. Maybe if I close them off, some random guy on the street will stop me and say, "You have the most beautiful smile" or some crap like that. Either that or I'll unconsciously just wait for my soulmate to become available and will want me to come back to him. I say "back" because a part of me believes that those married couples who've lasted for 50+ years have had to have known each other a long longer than that. Either that or I believe in fate and all that stuff.

Maybe I'm not dreaming. Maybe I know exactly where I'm supposed to go. Maybe it's someone else who needs to wake up and grab me with the same excitement.

Maybe I need to go to sleep because I'm afraid I'll write something stupid and I fear I'll censor myself when I go to post this on the forumz and I don't want to do that... so goodnight!

dove95

05-26-2001, 03:32 PM

Saturdays always suck when no one's on and I don't have to work. I wish I had more friends. I mean, I love being here and all, but argh! I need to get paid so that I can go see "Moulin Rouge" and "Pearl Harbor." hell, at this point in my life, I'd go see 'em by myself and I don't care what people think.

This rainy weather is depressing. I need diet coke.

Kriste is one sad bitch today :p

But David... :) If you read this today and would like to call me and I'll call you back, that would work. You need a well-deserved break.

*thinks about deleting that last paragraph*

Ah, what the hell...

dove95

05-27-2001, 07:50 PM

Not a very exciting day for Kriste. I just sat in front of the tv and pined to have some strange person call me on my cell phone. It's like I always have this fantasy I'll meet my soulmate because of something that random or per chance. Like, the ideal way is that we go to grab the same book or CD or we both pause reflectively at the same art piece. Like that ever really is going to happen? How many straight guys, or guys at that, are going to crazy over the new Ani Difranco CD or any other girl acoustic-guitar playing freak that I happen to be raving about at the time?!

Then I recall a moment when I was in the dorms, listening to a guy play his acoustic guitar down the hall and into the lounge. If I weren't so shy, I would've gone in there and talked to him. I'm such a softie for guy musicians.

Zach, my second lover, played the drums for his church group and seeing his passion for that along with his passion for God-- well, it's hard to contain myself in a church setting.

See, I'm not all that religious, but I don't knock people who are strong in their beliefs and believe what they do because *they* believe it, not because someone told them to. I am a very spiritual person and to see someone get excited about God, about the highest spiritual being, helps me to remember that things can only get better for me and others.

Zach is a Christian and I thought he was going to be IT. I didn't want any other guy. He exposed me to so many great Christian artists... I guess what you'd call "alternative Christian." Anyway, I listen to my collection that he exposed me to once and awhile. I mostly listen to build myself up. The last thing I want to hear is that I'm all by myself or how I can never have what I want and all that crap.

I got a letter from Cassie (Prisonberry) today and her first paragraph put the biggest smile on my face-- "I am glad you are still at the apartment and I hope that you find work soon! I think about you a lot. How brave you are and how I wish you were on the west coast where I could help you out..."

There was more, but that almost makes me cry to think that someone feels that strongly about me w/o ever meeting me. That and seeing it in her own handwriting makes it seem that much more definite-- like she can't and doesn't want to take it back. Plus, she included a postcard fo me to be inspired... I see it as a short story so I should play with it now.

And, that's what I'm going to do. *nod* And, stop listening to Deb and listen to the rain running off the apartment windows instead.

dove95

05-28-2001, 07:20 PM

dovey95: my friend might be living with me
dovey95: because her roommates are bitches
unendingthoughts: oh.. I'm sorry to hear that.
dovey95: well, it'll be good cuz I miss her
unendingthoughts: well, that's good.
dovey95: i had a dream about her last nite tho
dovey95: it was weird
unendingthoughts: hrm.. why odd?
dovey95: well, cuz it was like I met David... and he met Jessica too
dovey95: but it was like David was married or something silly like that
unendingthoughts: oh... that is odd.
dovey95: and it was like David and Jessica were checking each other out
dovey95: and I was like "this can't be happening"
dovey95: I left the room for a minute and then they were kissing up all on each other
unendingthoughts: ooh no. that wouldn't be good. Good thing it was a dream./
dovey95: and then I said, "What's going on, Jessica? I thought you sauid you weren't going after any of my men anymore?!"
dovey95: "Yeah, but he's different."
dovey95: "But he's married. You can't get attached to a married guy," I yelled.
dovey95: then she was like, "What if i just want to use him for a booty call?"
unendingthoughts: that would have been freaky.
dovey95: and then david said, "Yeah, what if that's all I want."
dovey95: I was shaking my head, no, crying and I said, "You can't have sex with her!"
dovey95: "Why not?" he asked...
dovey95: "She's got..."
dovey95: Jessica got all mad and said, "You wouldn't!!"
dovey95: "What does she have?!"
dovey95: "You just can't have sex with her!"
dovey95: Jessica left the room and then, that's when I was like sitting on this chair with David and he said, "Well, you tell her to tell me why then..."
dovey95: And the only thing was that I wanted to kiss him so bad and then my alarm went off
dovey95: but it was wierd
unendingthoughts: damn! dreams always end at the best part.
dovey95: i suppose
dovey95: but david isn't even married!
dovey95: hehe
unendingthoughts: hehe. ok.. but I meant the other part.

and then i got busy with customers... but I'm still weirded by it... sheesh... stress does that to you, i guess.

dove95

05-29-2001, 07:12 PM

My friend originally woke me up at 8:00 to tell me that she was starting to pack and that she would let me know when she would be on her way over. I was like, "Okay" and went back to sleep until she called me again at 10:00... to which I woke up for good then. I don't know how often she'll be there, but it'll be good because I missed her. It was fun hanging with her, even if it was just getting her stuff from here to there and all that.

PLUS!! Apple One, a staffing agency in Rochelle Park, called me about a clerical position for an insurance company in Hackensack. After a few call backs, they said that the client was a bit worried that I would become bored with the job, which is probably true. However, I stressed to them that at this point, I don't care. I can't go on living here without a real job. Plus, I stressed that I could do the same things as I was doing in IL, but it's the atmosphere here that I care more about. So, they took that into consideration... so now, I have an interview at 10 AM on Thursday for this position. Hopefully I find the place by bus hehe...

Chris was supposed to call me at 4:30, but he stood me up... the bastard! *L* Maybe he just got busy or something... we shall see!

dove95

05-29-2001, 08:56 PM

Well, I just got done from meeting Ted... (that's not his real name, but he looks more like a Ted than what his birth name is *L*)... he had found my ad on match.com. He was/is very sincere and nice and has this sense of humour that I like. *At this point when I was writing, I had paused and spent like five minutes staring at my feet* Why am I so distracted by my feet? Why am I refusing to write about this?

It's a good thing I didn't have too high of expectations because I would've been disappointed-- he didn't even hug me... even tho I know he wanted to, but he was being nice... so there you go. Anyway, I wasn't really disappointed...

I'm scared of myself or I'm scared of liking someone again, or at least someone I could have. The thing about liking David is because it's so safe. I don't have to worry about whether a hug could lead to a kiss that could lead to petting that could lead to even more intense situations. I can like David safely because I totally love his spirit and personality. Bringing his body to mine right now probably wouldn't be a good thing because I would want to make sweet love to him because I dig everything else about him so much, but that would be bad since I wouldn't know him very well, face to face.

But to like someone who I could have physical contact with and like personally... well, that's just bad. It's like I'm denying myself to be a loving, but also sexual woman. I'm just thirsty for passion right now and I haven't felt it since Mike #2 kissed me about three weeks ago. Is it wrong to want passion w/o a serious relationship? It just sucks because there's something about this Ted guy that I really like and I'm not sure why.

What I do like is that he's so receptive and eager to know whatever is going to come out of my mouth. I also like his sense of humour... where I'm like "huh?" at first.. and when I get it, I just giggle the way I do. *L*

We basically just had a dinner (his treat) at the nearby diner and just talked. Even tho I told him this, I think he was afraid to be himself for some reason or another, but he assured me he was being himself. I want to know more about him, but I'm not sure that it's questions I want answered or if it's just basic interaction. Hearing his stories is basically the best way to know about him or anyone else for that matter.

Either way I like him as a person and he is very warm to be around and I like that. I will enjoy meeting up with him again whenever that'll be. He's a person I wouldn't mind sleeping with... and that in the literal sense... I mean, since he has this warm aura about him, it'd be an enjoyable experience to have a "sleep over." He seems worthy of cuddles, if he was cool with just that.

Then I keep thinking about Chris, who I could be so close to falling for... and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I suppose I should meet him first. And, for the record, his computer sucks!!

Then, I think about Mike #2 and how much we both said to the other recently that we've enjoyed the kissing... and miss it... and it just amazes me... all that passion in one kiss... I haven't felt this intensity and passion in a LONG time. I keep wondering if I can have any of this again....

dove95

05-30-2001, 04:55 PM

Not writing as late as I usually do since I work at the cafe from 8-3. It's great that I'm getting these hours, but it's weird. Last night in the middle of envisioning a make-out session with Ted, I saw myself with a job. Then, Charles from Apple One called today with news of a clerical position at an insurance company. The last call he made to me was that the client expressed the concern that I probably would get bored of the job fast. That may be the case, but at this point, I don't care because I need SOMEthing. It doesn't mean I have to do it for forever. And, if there is room for advancement (which they told me), then that's a good thing. I just have to find the place now.

Chris forgave-- er, he apologized for not calling, so that's good. He's aiming to call me tomorrow at 10 AM, but I hope it's not too much of a let-down when I tell him I have to work. Maybe I could still hang with him at night? If not, then I gotta meet Jess so she can get back here.

Ooooh, I'm sooo excited! Dar Williams is gonna be somewhere nearby in NJ on August 2... And, Jess told me (sorry, separate thought) that if I can afford a trip to Cali, she'd pay for part of it as a bday present. If I could meet the awesome duo, Beth, and David *swoon* heehee, then that would sooo rock my world.

I have a good feeling about things now, but since I have to get up early-- I should probably get to sleep even tho my body/eyes aren't used to sleep until at least midnight.

dove95

05-30-2001, 05:08 PM

Chris did end up calling me around 1:45 today and he apologized for not calling me earlier, but he said he should call me so he wouldn't have to see those nasty smilies when he logs on.

hehe...

I told Rob it was weird cuz his accent is thick! He asked what kind of accent... I said, "Sounds almost Mexican with a dash of NY." Or perhaps the other way around. Maybe my being on a cell phone didn't help matters.

I thought he and I were gonna meet up today, but I don't think that's gonna happen. Jess gets off at 5:00, so I'll be going to meet her instead because I still need to make her a key for the apt.

*wonders if David has sent off pics yet and if not, no biggie*

I seriously need a laptop and my own phone line any chance I get tho...

dove95

05-31-2001, 09:54 PM

It sucks to be me. You know why it sucks to be me? Because I can't get a freaking job. Either I'm overqualified (ie today's interview) or not qualified enough. Everyone told me that I shouldn't be picky, but what happens? I get "We don't want you because you're overqualified and you would get bored fast and we can't afford to take on another person with a college degree for this sort of position." When is it going to happen for me? My fricking cell phone got turned off temporarily because the postal service is so slow in sending my money order. I'll send them $40 today so they stay off my back for a bit.

I kept thinking if someone were to run me over, would anyone really care? Have I touched enough lives for it to really matter? I don't want to really die yet, but these are the things you think about in dire times.

I'm wearing an outfit that I haven't paid for. Maybe if someone were to put a gun to my head and kill me, I wouldn't have to worry about the fact that I'm a thief and/or the fact that my attempt in coming here is not working out so far.

At the same time, I don't want to give up yet. I seriously know I'm talented, so I don't know why the hell I'm not trying to get my stuff out there. I must do that soon. My goal is to plug my creative efforts to five mags/publishing companies by the end of next week.

I sit here and wonder how the hell homeless people still continue to live. I think if I were in their situation, I'd go to the freaking ghetto and have someone kill me so no one would notice I'm gone.

dove95

06-01-2001, 06:14 PM

So, like I'm supposed to meet Chris (neontorifan) here at the World Trade Center, but wtf is he smoking?! This place is freaking huge-- where at WTC? I took my sweater off incase he could see my Tori shirt from behind. And, I have my cell phone on, and I just tested it to see if I could call out, so... argh! Well, I suppose I could work on my tan :p Is he proposing that we meet by chance or is he just a jerk and likes standing people up? The sun is in my eyes, but I like the sound of the fountain nearby.

Grrr! What's the proper waiting time for someone you're supposed to meet? He's got my number, why isn't he calling? And, if he doesn't show up, what do I do then? He's got until 10:45 (I'm realizing now, like 7 hours later how super parnoid I was *L*) and then, I'm saying "fuck it" and I'm just going to go to a museum or some shit by myself. If he doesn't show, he'll have to seriously do some talking/changing before I decide to meet up here again.

It's so weird, sitting her and looking for someone and waiting for your phone to ring. It's like you look at every face in hopes that the person who stops by you is the one you're looking for OR you think you hear your phone ringing and it's really not. Grrr!

Of course, then when it does, you feel like a dumbass for doubting the person in the first place.

dove95

06-01-2001, 06:57 PM

So, yeah, we met.

He's nice and stuff. I described him as shy and quiet, but once he sees/hears something that catches his attention, his excitment is apparent. And, I told Cassie that he's cute in that innocent sort of way :)

She asked me if he and I were going to hang again, but I don't know. I told him that I thought he was hang-worthy, but he didn't really say anything. Since he lives in Staten Island, it might be difficult, but who knows?

It was still a fun day... and Moulin Rouge was good. Nicole and Ewan look so good together and I'm thinking Ewan is looking cuter and cuter the more movies I see him in. As for the music, I think Baz did a good job with that. The rendition of "Like a Virgin" is hilarious... or so Chris and I thought anyway :)

Looking for Saturday night plans... Mike #2 and I talked about hanging out, but we'll see about that.

*suddenly misses seeing David online... hoping he's doing well*

dove95

06-01-2001, 08:22 PM

I don't think he likes me much :a

I think he just asked me to the see the movie with him because he wanted company.

He never talks to me much.

Grrr...

dove95

06-03-2001, 11:40 PM

Just so I don't forget for the dent- Mtv's History of Sex's #19 featured Tori Amos, her music, and her start of RAINN. I'm sure someone else will probably beat it to me (ha, that's what I wrote... I mean, beat me to it), but oh well.

Last night, I met up with Ted instead of going for a booty call with Mike #1. I don't know if I'll mention it on OD since Mike will probably read it. Of course, why should it matter? I highly doubt I'll wanna give him another chance to redeem himself. So, I opted for other stimulation with Ted. We went to this comedy show (which featured Steve Solomon, if anyone heard of him) and had dinner there and just enjoyed the evening. He did a lot more talking this time, so that's groovy. Still very warm and receptive. Still, at the end of the evening, it was slightly awkward. I shook his hand again and for a slight moment, I thought he was gonna be all chivalrous and kiss the top of my hand, but that was just me thinking. *L* And, I can tell we both want to give each other friendly hugs, but we're both shy :) It's so cute. hehe

Then, I had a slew of dreams, but I only remember three.
1. A woman falling in love with a man who's 40 years older than her. It wasn't about his appearance, age, or whether his wanky worked or not... she just felt that they were soulmates in a previous life. Tough to explain.
2. Wes flew here to ask me to take him back. He was crying because of how stupid he was to let me go. Like this is ever going to happen or that I even would want it to.
3. I made out with Jessica's boyfriend in a car. He was a hot kisser and then Jessica caught us. She got all mad and hated us. Somewhere Tori comes along and tells me that I can't buy her new album because I'm such a mean friend.

dove95

06-04-2001, 12:09 AM

I'm so unsure of everything that's going on in my life. I'm not sure that I'm even happy here. The only thing that makes me happy is when I'm thinking about what I would like to have...

I have like $3 to last me until Thursday. My cell phone could be dead because the rain attacked my book bag yesterday.

This not having a job is seriously getting to me.

My sister graduated from HS yesterday and I feel like crap because I couldn't give anything to her or be there.

I'm trying to mentally distract myself from still pining for David. I mean, seriously, what's the point of crushing on someone you can probably never have? What's the point of a lot of the crap I do? I put my twizzler pic on my yahoo profile and I get a lot of guys complimenting me on it... but all are just wanting booty calls. I have no idea what I want really.

I do miss kisses.
Someone to love.
I miss my soulmate, whoever that might be.
how can you miss someone you've never met?
i wish i felt more sure about things.
i wish i were feeling inspired.
i wish someone would just give me a hug right now.
i'm so depressed
not because of lack of job or
lack of money or
lack of sex.
i just feel so alone
such a place to feel alone
if i had my soulmate now, would that make me feel any better tho?
what can i possibly do to get me out of this funk
and thinking about this junk?

i so need a hug and for someone to tell me, "Kriste, it'll be okay."

hang in there... hang in there...
i fear i'm dangling by a thread that's about to come undone.

dove95

06-05-2001, 05:17 PM

I'm listening to my "alternative Christian" music right now for two reasons. First is so that I can be uplifted in a way that no one else can lift me. The subtle reminder that with God, my problems will work themselves out. I haven't trusted in that enough lately. I've become too distracted with the things around me for me to stop and go, "I'm not alone. God is with me. With God, all things are possible." Why is it that I turn to God in times of despair? Shouldn't I be in constant contact with Him? Yes, I should and I know better, but on the other hand-- God is always there when I need the strong presence or not. It's just amazing how you feel it more in extremities... when you're either really up or really down.

The other reason I'm listening to this music is because it reminds me of Zach. I know, how pointless is that? Yeah, but with the exception of how we parted, I have nothing but fond memories of him and our relationship. Scott, my pervert friend in Indiana, told me I probably would miss his wanky more than anything else... I would be lying in saying that I didn't miss it somewhat, but that's not really what I miss. I miss his aura, how passionate he was/is about God, his life, his goals and all that. Still today, if for some reason he would change his mind and say, "Kriste, I want to give us another try." I probably would-- even tho he wrote and told me that he never would. I kept thinking when were online talking tonight, why can't I meet someone like him here and all that? Someone who is open to falling in love with me and giving it his all, but also is his own person too... but it dawned on me as we talked ------->

Zach is one of a kind.
And, he's right. What we had won't ever be replicated (well, he didn't say it like that exactly, but you get the idea.) It touched me that he said that there was a love in our relationship. I didn't doubt it, but it just sucked that he felt it had to end so abruptly. Maybe it didn't end, but just changed... Anyway, I'd give anything to have those feelings again, those feelings I had when I was with him. It's amazing-- I think some of my greatest creative efforts have been a result from our relationship or just from knowing him. Such a great inspiration and person. Wow, I didn't think I still felt this strongly about him, but somewhere I knew I did-- it was just repressed.

Just like I've been repressing my thoughts of David too. I'm still crushing on him, which is probably even more pointless than wishing Zach would change his mind. In any event, it's interesting. The things I love about Zach are all things that I knew prior to meeting him. The things I dig about David are things that I look for in a guy, and I'm sure when (and just when?) I meet David, I bet those things will still be there in person.

(About 10 minutes later of just lying here)

David wrote in his journal the other day, "Have you ever wanted to slap the shit out of someone you haven't met?" Then his latest entry said that he wanted to say something about a crush he had and that it had to do with the slapping thing, but he had to write about it later. Two things come to mind: is he talking about me or someone else? And, if he his talking about me, he has a crush on me?! And, why does he want to slap me? :( Unless it's a figure of speech or something... I'm sure I'll find out in due time.

I'm putting my pen down and just listen to my head for a few. I may be back.

And hours later, I'm quite aware that I'm posting this online and at this point, why hide?

dove95

06-05-2001, 05:24 PM

If you're ever in the mood to listen to sensual songs that either make you wanna get some booty or some passionate lovemaking, here's a list for ya... compiled at 12:20 AM :)

Soul Decision: Faded
Adina Howard: Freak Like Me
Monifah: Do You Really Wanna Touch It?
Next: Too Close
Mya: Free
Toni Braxton: You're Makin' Me High
Celine Dion: Halfway to Heaven (which features the sensual saxophone of Kenny G)
Taylor Dayne: I Could Be Good for You
C+C Music Factory: Livin' Happy
Deee-Lite: Groove is in the Heart
Paula Abdul: Sexy Thoughts and Get Your Groove On
LaBouche: The Heat is On
Jennifer Paige: Crush
Janet Jackson: if
Paula Cole: Feelin' Love
Ann Klein: (I Wanna) Do Ya
Lauren Christy: You Make Me Laugh
The Corrs: Runaway
Lisa Loeb: Sandalwood
Dido: Honestly Ok
Ani Difranco: Both Hands
Fleming & John: Rain All Day
Velour 100: tenth month

dove95

06-05-2001, 05:54 PM

I'm feeling much better today than I did the last two days. I'm just realizing that while I know changing my thoughts can change my actions, but in the end, it's really out of my control. I'm just going to take things as they come to me... otherwise, I'm wasting a lot of energy wondering when I'm going to find my job, my soulmate, and my passionate sex that I've been missing.

There's a strong possibility that I have to move back to Illinois since my roommate has an even higher chance of being relocated to Atlanta. He finds out on the 8th, which would give me until the end of the month to either relocate with Jessica somewhere or go back to Illinois. And, if I have to move back to Illinois, I won't have considered this venture a failure, like I had been all day yesterday. In fact, I'm quite lucky I had the opportunity. I've met a handful of good people, I've seen NYC in a way that isn't necessarily like what they show on tv, I've been around culture, and I've gotten to meet and greet with one of my fave musicians. Besides, I'm still young. Maybe after I gain more work experience, more wisdom, and more financial means, I can come back, if I so desire.

dove95

06-08-2001, 09:37 PM

I'm feeling quite depressed about heading back to Illinois. I mean, a part of me is saying, "Well, what did you expect? You left on a whim." At least I can say I've been here and if I ever do decide to visit Cali, like I want to, I'll have something to compare. My friend Jess said that she likes Cali much better because a lot of it is so natural and beautiful. *shrug*

I'm probably going to have to live with my sister and her mom until I get on my feet and save some money. I'm not looking forward to that sort of living situation. However, Cheryl's, my sis, mom is much nicer than my mom. She might let me meet people off the net. Sleepovers... now that's a different story ;) That and her mom won't charge me for rent. My mom's an ultra-bitch... seriously, she told me that if Wes (my last bf) and I didn't work out, don't expect to be able to move back in. I mean, come on, don't you think if you didn't hear anything from your daughter on your birthday or Mother's Day, you'd worry? As much as my daughter may hate me, I'd still be worried. But no, my mom probably thinks I'm an ultra-bitch too. I just want the rest of my Betty Boop things and my CDs and then she can go about her merry little life. (Sounds like a bad break-up, doesn't it?)

My friend from Illinois was telling me that I need to make a list of small goals that I see myself attaining. She said make sure that these are goals that can help me reach to what I want to inevitably do. My problem is that I want to do so much. I don't want to limit it to just one profession. I want to write, edit, proofread, publish, paint, play music, produce, be a talent scout, everything. Why can't I do it all? (Well, it helped if I knew how to paint or play music.)

I'm bummed that David's so busy nowadays... some girl's gonna snatch him up, but hey... like I have room to talk. I got 15 minute booty last night from 5 minute guy. But that was just a "mutual understanding." If I really cared about this guy emotionally, I'd so be screwing myself over.

Some days I amaze (weird, I'm listening to Poe's Amazed as I type this) myself... some days I'm really chirpy and don't give a shit about this predicament I'm in, other days I'm like... OMG, I'm such a dumbass. I should've just moved in with my sister three months ago, saved up money, and then came out here... but hey, at least I can say, "I've been in Times Square and youuuuu didn't!" :p

So, I take a job that'll slowly get me out of debt (at least with my credit cards), save up for whatever I decide to do. That's a reasonable goal, right? I was going to write cover letters to publishing companies to plug an idea...

I've always thought that it would be neat for adults to read books that had pictures in them. Just as I learned in college, the college students still like being read to, so what's wrong with us wanting to see pictures as we read? Granted, I realize a lot of people like to visualize their own images while they read, but the pictures I like capture a certain mood or tone that I use in a story... it works for me, anyway.

Which reminds me that I need to get my butt in gear in revising the latest "story" I wrote in response to the postcard Cassie sent me.

I hope David doesn't hate me... haven't heard anything from him in awhile... which means he's busy and/or doesn't care.

*cries pathetically*

Nah, I know he's doing alright. I just miss talking to him. It sucks to have a crush on someone who's hardly on...

dove95

06-09-2001, 03:37 PM

Top Ten Reasons Everyone Should Walk Through Times Square

--complied by yours truly

10. Seeing all the tourists look up at the tall buildings.
9. The light show at night.
8. All the subways you can imagine.
7. The look alike of Nicolas Cage at the wax museum.
6. The sexy construction workers on 8th Avenue.
5. The teenyboppers at Total Request Live. (Well, I haven't seen that many yet, but you get me)
4. All the porn shops on 8th Avenue across from Port Authority Bus Terminal.
3. You can accidentally-on purpose bump into all the cute people.
2. easyEverything!!!

and the #1 reason everyone should walk through Times Square:
You can get away with farting in public!!

dove95

06-09-2001, 03:43 PM

So, I'm waiting for the last bus of the night for my area. I had a couple thoughts cross my mind as I walked to the subway to here.

First off, why in the hell do mannequins in the Bloomingdale windows have nipples? Do they have plastic vaginas too? Is there supposed to be something aesthetically pleasing about nippled mannequins? Now- THIS would be an interesting topic for OIT.
(which I've since made a topic for *teehee*)

Second thing, the one thing I won't miss about NYC is Times Square. It's too crowded for even my tastes, and I normally like a good crowd.

Plus, when I get back to Illinois if I could have Kitty, that'd be so awesome. I miss Kitty like crazy, but Kitty probably isn't the same kitty anymore :(

The other thing is that maybe I'll see Zach and Cliff and they'll change their minds about me... maybe...

eh?

dove95

06-09-2001, 05:57 PM

Wesley says:
*poke*
dove 95 says:
sup?
Wesley says:
sup wit chew?
dove 95 says:
grrr...
dove 95 says:
don't ask
Wesley says:
why
Wesley says:
I've been keeping tabs on you
dove 95 says:
ah, so it's no surprise that I'm grrring then?
Wesley says:
nope
Wesley says:
I can see why
Wesley says:
It seems as thought that our lives have decided to take the same direction
dove 95 says:
what do you mean?
dove 95 says:
jobless and poor?
Wesley says:
straight to hell
Wesley says:
yep
dove 95 says:
I wouldn't quite say it that way
dove 95 says:
even tho hell = IL
Wesley says:
yes it does
dove 95 says:
but I'm just gonna take what ever job I can get there
dove 95 says:
get myself somewhat out of debt
Wesley says:
where, here?
dove 95 says:
and perhaps try it again somewhere
Wesley says:
where are you going to stay, and how are you going to get there?
dove 95 says:
probably at my sister's and I don't know
dove 95 says:
greyhound or amtrak
Wesley says:
oh I see, still haven't talked to your mom, huh?
dove 95 says:
hell no
dove 95 says:
suicide is a better option than trying to live with her
Wesley says:
I didn't mean live with her, I just didn't know if you have talked to her or not
dove 95 says:
nope
Wesley says:
good for you
dove 95 says:
i figured that if something like this came up, she wouldn't ever have to know I was here
Wesley says:
so, who told her you went to NYC?
dove 95 says:
how does she know?
Wesley says:
she's your mother, you really don't think she knows
dove 95 says:
if she knows that I left, she obviously doesn't care
Wesley says:
I don't disagree with that
Wesley says:
can't you get "any" job there and make it?
dove 95 says:
this net job isn't cutting it.
dove 95 says:
well, now, I'm not working, but i'm still there cuz I don't want to go back to the apt
Wesley says:
why not, bored?
dove 95 says:
it would be yeah
dove 95 says:
i mean, there's cable
Wesley says:
yippee
dove 95 says:
but that bores me quicker than the net does
Wesley says:
well, I know what you mean
Wesley says:
I won the lottery
dove 95 says:
sure sure
Wesley says:
hey!
Wesley says:
this is the internet, you can be who you want, and say what you want
Wesley says:
your own little fantasy thing
Wesley says:
gotta go
dove 95 says:
toodles
Wesley says:
hey, you know my e-mail addy, don' be a stranger
dove 95 says:
well, there's a reason I don't
Wesley says:
and that is...
dove 95 says:
well, don't know what to say to you... two, you know... I don't want to say anything that could be misconstrued by other readers if i knew what to say, that is
Wesley says:
I'll tell you soething, names aside, don't worry about that bitch, I talk to who I want to talk to
dove 95 says:
*shakes head*
dove 95 says:
alright... well, take it easy in Hell *smirk*
Wesley says:
yeah

whoa... reaction later...

dove95

06-13-2001, 08:50 AM

My latest poetic effort:

Your Dream Into Reality

Do you stare at your ceiling Wondering what I'm thinking Of you And all the possibilities that could exist If only you wouldn't resist The fact that you want to...

You wonder what life would be like If you felt nothing As if your heart has taken a hike to the places it'll never experience If you don't open up.

Do you think about how life would be If you could never touch the silkiness of my skin If your arms could never hold me If your lips could never caress me Oh, how I know it's gotta hurt from within. You want to give in, don't you?

I wonder about how life would be If you hadn't left that impression On me How you pulled me out of my depression And into the arms of hopeful glee.

I think about that day Wondering if it'll ever come The moment I can see you face to face And then I can know I will save you from that place you call lonesome. If only If only

Don't you ever get tired of hearing "if only" The world wouldn't be as it is If you would just open the eyes within your heart.

--June 12, 2001

dove95

06-14-2001, 07:14 PM

Oh my goodness! I'm trying to not get that excited about this, but there's a chance that I happened to be at the right place at the right time tonight.

I was helping this woman in attaching her resume to her email, with her husband sitting by her, and he asks, "Are you looking for a job?" At first I thought he was talking to her, and then I ask, "Who? Me?" I say, "Well..."

"The company that I work for needs a someone to do secretarial work. You obviously know what you're doing here. So, are you looking?" he asks me again.

"Well, I was thisclose to moving back to Illinois because I didn't have one, but if you could help me out?"

"What kind of experience do you have?"

"I have about two years of general office work. I know Word, a little of Excel--"

"Oh, we don't use Excel."

Groovy, I think.

"What is your educational background?"

"I have a BA in English."

This is when he tells his wife to hold on and brings me back to the counter, writes his office and other contact info down. He asks me when I'll be in the area next and so, I give him my schedule (Tues: 8-3 and Wed: 5-11), so he tells me to call him up on Tuesday to set up a possible time to train.

He also said that if things go as he planned, he would get it worked out so that I could still work the hours here too for the extra money.

Keep me in your prayers! It just seems all too good to be true... but maybe this what they mean by you don't know the good without going through the bad.

dove95

06-14-2001, 07:17 PM

Notice the date of entry.

Sheesh... what a night last night. I got off of work at 3:00, but stayed at the cafe because I didn't know what else to do. Didn't want to go home to an apartment full of people not speaking to me or speaking English. So, at about 7:00, Rod (a guy from yahoo that I've been talking to for about two weeks) IMed me about hanging up on me the previous week. We sort it out and then, he askes me if I want to join him and his friend to this club called Mercury Lounge in the east village. I think about it for two minutes, and then thought, "If I don't have to pay for anything, then it's all good!"

At 9:30, we met and he's soooo hot! He's from Israel, but damn-- just adorable-- a cross between Jordan Knight (yes, from New Kids on the Block :p) and Adam Carolla from Loveline and the Man Show, but WAY much cuter and sexier. I still keep thinking and asking myself, "What the hell does he find attractive about me?!"

So, we saw a female-fronted band who sounded very cool. I liked the touch of the violin. I didn't catch the band name. Then, the band that Rod paid to for us to see came out (the Paul Ruderman Band). Paul kinda looked like Shaggy (from Scooby Do), but sounded like a cross between David Gray ("throw it out of your heart" song...) and the guy from Verve Pipe. I was pleased since I hardly ever like guy singers. The drummer had an interesting t-shirt on... one of those two images in one... one image of two women sitting back to back... the other image of a woman with her legs spread.

The show didn't get over until 1:00 AM, so of course, Rod was nice enough to let me crash. We stopped off at a 24/7 shop to buy a toothbrush. hehe

We were good little boys and girls. Well, not really... but I don't want to get into it right now. I'll just say he's very passionate and leave it at that. He even treated me for breakfast in the morning at a nearby diner. We might meet up again but who knows? I had fun and got treated to good music, so there you go :)

dove95

06-14-2001, 07:33 PM

I'm doing my laundry for the first time in probably two weeks. I desparately needed to do it because I was washing my panties by hand every other day.

I had a dream about David last night, but I forgot what it was about.

(I think I accidentally wrote on my nose. Oh well.)

So, after a year or so, "goofybo" (Bo) on Collegeclub (CC) and I ran into each other online last night. He's 25 now, has an adorable puppy named <a href="http://www.bojos.com/myimages/max.jpg">Max</a>, and a house. It's been forever since we talked last that I can't even remember what he's studying or doing professionally. I just remember that I always liked him and told him that if I ever wanted to venture to AZ, it'd be to meet him. Well, I was browsing his CC profile again and noticed the location: Chandler! I thought, "Cassie lives there! She'd like him too! :) ) So, now, I'm possibly playing matchmaker again. The first time was with Tom and Kelly... I didn't directly say, "here, hook up." I told him about OD and told her about CC. It was only a matter of time before they started talking. And, now, they've been together for two years.

If Bo and Cassie talk online, end up meeting, and falling for each other, then so be it. Even tho I'm nuts about him (like who am I not nuts about? hehe), I'd be willing to give it up for Cassie because she deserves someone really great and I just know Bo is. I just think it's ironic because while I can hook other people up (possibly), I can't find my own match. Or, perhaps I have found him and just don't know it yet... or I haven't met him yet. I'm not going to dwell on it because it's pointless. I really hope I get this job because if not, I've got to go back to IL and we all know that would suck. I'll call the guy tomorrow and find out.

Okay, how stupid/pointless/ignorant is this? I'm still at the laundrymat. There's an old guy here who's smoking a cigarette. Now, I don't know about you, but when I come to one of these things, I expect my clothes to not only be clean, but to smell good as well. If someone's smoking, how are my clothes going to still smell good? He's not even taking any drags; it's just fucking sitting in his hand! I'm glad he felt the need to pollute my lungs and my clothes. It just pisses me off. Damn bastard didn't even open the door for fresh air to vent through. Granted, there aren't any "no smoking" signs posted, but still. And, you know me... I'm too nice to tell him to go outside.

Well, I'm done with laundry and folding, so back I go :p

dove95

06-14-2001, 07:37 PM

I was browsing the poetry forum and one of the threads was: "Make one up on the spot thread! Come in and pull one of outta your ..."

So, here was my effort:
*snip*

I'm such a sap... and perhaps that's the reason no one likes to read poetry and/or leave notes. Who wants to read about that love shit really? It's so funny tho because the whole time I usually date someone, poems like this never stem from me. (Ironic how I wrote the poem about killing myself when I was dating Wes...)

Anyway, on the job front... I go in for training on Monday. I don't have concrete details yet, but I call him again on Sunday to get them. This makes me happy because I think I'll be just what they need. It was cool too because when I was talking to him, I asked, "So is this a for sure thing?" He replied, "Well, we want to see how you work with our computer system and whether you even like it." Like I'm going to complain? But then he said, "But don't pack your bags to Chicago yet!"

Like Illinois = Chicago?! But anyway...

soo... when I know everything and everything's starting, I gotta get my butt in gear and figure out where the hell I'm going to live in 13 days. Shit... I don't think I'll have made enough money to move out. Jessica's mom is helping her so if Jess finds something, maybe I can crash at her place. We shall see...

dove95

06-15-2001, 02:48 PM

Well, Seb (CosmicEarth on OD) (and I guess he prefers to go by Bastion more than Seb, but anyway) read the poem that he inspired... granted David and Bo could both read it and possibly say that I was thinking about them when I wrote it and to a certain degree, I was. I have way too many crushes.

I'm so close of letting go of my crush on David though. I just feel that either I'm not good enough for him or I'm not-- argh!! I just basically feel that if he met me, he wouldn't be attracted to me and somewhere in me, I feel that I'd let him down for some unknown reason and I don't want to do that. But because I still want to meet him, I also don't want to shut off the possibility that he could feel as strongly about me as I do him.

So, I was talking to Bo online tonight and we were talking about how we both wonder about the future too much... then I said, "You could always fly me down and I could be your love slave *heehee*"
"Or, I could fly up there... but do you still get to be my love slave or would I be yours?"
"Well, sounds like a win-win to me either way
but I might not have a place to live, so it's better if you fly me down there."
"I could get a hotel."
"Yeah, but what you don't realize is that you'll fall madly in love with me and you'll want to be with me." Hehe, I'm such an online flirt; it's not funny.
He said and I'm still trying to figure it out: "You never know."

So, he asks me, "What are you doing on the fourth of July?"
"Besides it being my best friend's bday, I've got nothing."

Well, to make a long story short, he's looking into fly out here for a week and meet me for the 4th of July and spend a couple days with me, meet someone else (I have a feeling this other person is someone he just happens to know casually, not anything too major) and see the city. He says it's sketchy right now, but he thinks making the trip would be worth it.

Interesting... July 4th isn't really all that far away. I seriously hope I find a place by then. If I could, he wouldn't have to stay in a hotel.

This is interesting for sure. Considering that I was like, plugging Cassie to him (which despite all this going on, I was gonna ignore her email for me to give his email to her again, but what the hell? I don't mind :) ) and now he's like wanting to fly away from there, which includes meeting me. I mean, I guess it makes sense. He and I have been talking online for awhile (3 years at least!), he says he thinks it would be great fun hanging with me.

It's just dawning on me now that I think the reason it surprises me that people want to meet me is because my own parents don't really care about me. I think if I heard, "Well, you are a fun person; I don't blame them" from my mother or father, I wouldn't doubt it. Instead, I just tell it to myself-- I intentionally flatter myself so I don't get dragged down about thinking that both my parents hate me.

P.S. Everyone MUST listen to Fleming & John at least once... I promise you'll be hooked :e

dove95

06-16-2001, 11:27 PM

So, I met an old fart last night. Like old enough to be my dad, but he was cool. He had a digicam, so we got a couple pics of my hair cut. I'm super cute in them, so when he emails me pics, I'll be putting 'em up here.

Bo and I were talking again online tonight. I'm trying NOT to get too excited about the fact that he wants to come up here and the fact that it's not a for sure thing or not... but still it excites me that he wants to meet me and hang out. And, as he said, just hang out all day, just talking... and seeing fireworks on the 4th AND the 5th *teehee* He says he finds out for sure by next Wednesday.
******************

And, my other main crush on Seb... he and I just got done finishing a very intense conversation. I'm going to put it here and if anyone can help me understand it, PLEASE email me or IM me...

Now, see, if someone who doesn't understand or really know me, they'd probably ask, "Why do you want to crush on a guy like that?" However, I'm one of those people who feel that the greatest thing you can give to someone is love. This guy definitely needs my love and I know he's got a passionate loving side to him... he's just afraid.

So yeah... help me figure this one out:

dovey95: You mean, we're actually on at the same time?!
77: It sure seems that way. :-) Not for very long though. I'm leaving for work very soon.
dovey95: where are you?
77: My friends house. Where are you?
dovey95: I'm at the net cafe.
dovey95: I'm taking advantage of being an employee, but not working now
dovey95: cuz there's nothing to do in apt where no one speaks much English
77: Good for you.
77: No one speaks english? Where do you live?
dovey95: Well, my roommate is Indian and he's got visitors
77: Btw... I passed by your place of residents a few nights back. I got lost with my friends and I saw a sign for Hasbrouck Heights.
77: Now I know how to get there.
77: Indian? You poor girl you.
dovey95: do you know what street you were on.
dovey95: ?
77: I was on 17.
77: That's all i know.
dovey95: Oh, not like in hasbrouck hts...
77: Nope. But I saw a big green sign for Hasbrouck Heights.
dovey95: so I don't know what I'm supposed to do with you and all this :p
77: Huh?
dovey95: duhy
dovey95: you were a main source of inspiration for that one entry/poem
77: What do you mean? Humor me. I'm easily confused.
77: I know..... I feel honored and somewhat weird.
dovey95: why weird?
77: I've never been an inspiration.
77: I've always been a source of destruction... not creation.
77: It's weird for me.
dovey95: ahh...
77: Kinda understand or not really?
dovey95: yeah, i do
dovey95: but I don't know what to do with this...
77: What did you mean in your note.. "You know what i'm going to say but i'll refrain."? What were you going to say?
dovey95: since you don't want to meet me or anything...
77: It'll hurt.
dovey95: how can you say that?
dovey95: you don't know me?
77: I almost ended it yesterday.
77: I know me.
dovey95: why?
77: You read my entry.
77: All I bring is pain. And the longer I stay the more pain I bring.
dovey95: and you'd rather keep things the way they are?
77: Why do you want to meet me so much anyway? What's so good about me? I am nothing. I am a negative nothing.
77: It almost seems like i'm destined to bring you pain either way.
dovey95: I don't believe that.
dovey95: why?
77: You should.
dovey95: argh... it just frustrates me.
77: Why? There are better people out there to meet.
77: David.... maybe that other guy.
dovey95: and I'm supposed to just stop caring?
dovey95: David doesn't like me like that
77: Caring about what? About me? How much do you actually care about me? How much do you actually feel about me?
77: I am not good.
77: I am pain and suffering waiting to happen.
77: I am married to death and I court her well.
dovey95: *sigh*
77: Do you now understand what you'll get if we get ay closer? Can you deal with this mentality on a daily basis?
dovey95: I think you're just afraid.
77: Damn right i'm afraid! I'm afraid of what will happen to you and me.
dovey95: and you'd rather live your life just thinking "what if?"
77: I'd rather not live my life.
77: But since I must, i'd rather not hurt you in the process.
dovey95: perhaps you're right
dovey95: it's bad enough that the people I've grown closest to since moving here don't want to talk to me anymore
dovey95: so you just want to exist with me online?
77: I want to talk to you. I've never said I didn't want to talk t you.
77: Yes.
77: Is this a bad thing?
dovey95: I'm so much more in person tho.
dovey95: I feel like I'm in a Catch 22 here...
77: I know you are. And it's my loss that I won't get to expereince that. But i'm willing to sacrifice my loss so that you don't get hurt.
77: Catch 22?
dovey95: I feel like if I go along with this, keeping you as a strictly online friend, you'll be happy.
77: How would you like it if we did fall in love and I ended up killing myself?
77: I won't be happy but i'll feel better.
dovey95: why would you do that tho?
dovey95: what's that stupid phrase?
dovey95: Isn't it better to have loved than not love at all?
77: *lol* Stupid phrase?
77: No!
77: It's not.
dovey95: Well then...
dovey95: how can you say all this and not want to experience it?
77: I don't want to love and lose. It's better to have never loved at all. At least your still caught up in the illusion of what we could have had.
dovey95: Nope.
77: The illusion is better than relity.
dovey95: I don't like illusions.
77: Reality.
dovey95: I'd rather know.
dovey95: I hate having a fantasy love.
dovey95: I want the real thing.
77: You never answered... what is it you feel towards me? You still feel like you could crush on me?
77: Is this truly worth a crush?
77: Not even a crush... a possible crush.
dovey95: I wouldn't have written that poem if I thought of you as any less...
dovey95: There are few people who inspire creativity within me and when that happens, I don't want to let it go...
77: Then don't. Don't you realize what i'm trying to tell you here. By getting together, we are taking the large chance that what we feel for eachother right now will crumble on contact. And then we won't even have that.
dovey95: I'm not happy with just a mental connection tho... or whatever this is...
dovey95: I want the whole deal.
dovey95: but if you'd rather keep this fantasy, then so be it.
dovey95: I can't make you do anything you don't want to.
77: I love you.
77: I have to go.
77 signed off at 9:56:27 PM.

Men confuse me to no end. I'd think if you love someone, you'd want to meet them.

Like I really need to be thinking about love in a time like this? What I need is this job and a place to live and hope things continue to work out for me.

radhika

06-17-2001, 09:25 AM

I know this is a journal but can I ask why your parents hate you? I have been reading your journal recently and this just suprised me....

Carry on with the story of your life...

;w

dove95

06-17-2001, 01:56 PM

In answer to radhika's question...

My father is non-existent to me. I have no idea where he is... Last I heard, he left to meet some chick from the internet in Florida. When she kicked him out, he got arrested in Georgia somewhere for not appearing to a courtdate or something. He might be back in IL, but I have no idea. He may not really hate me, but his behavior towards me and his other children don't seem to show this.

My mother... well, she and I have a good relationship when I'm single. When I moved in with my bf, Wes, at the end of July last year, she told me it was the stupidest thing I'd ever done. Granted, in retrospect, it probably was since I'm in debt more than I would be if I hadn't, but I couldn't stand living with my mother. I hate feeling like I was in HS instead of a 23 year old. If I had wanted to go out with a guy, I'd either have to go to his place or just not go out at all. If I wanted to have guests, I'd have to pay half of everything, as if I were renting my own room. I said, forget that. I moved out in a heartbeat.

She and I didn't talk until about November. At that time she told me that she was going to claim me on her taxes. I was, like, okay, whatever... Little did I know that she couldn't do that since I had been supporting myself for half of the year. So, when filing taxes came, I put that no one could claim me. She called a week after I did this, asked if I filed yet. Then, I proceeded to tell her that I put no one could claim me. She got really mad and said, "Well, one of us is going to get audited then." And, see, she knew better. She had taken the fricking H&R Block class that teaches you how to do people's taxes and got offered a job with them, so she was just trying to screw me out of my money one more year.

The following week, mid February, she called me up... no hi, how are you... she was just like, "You don't have to do this now, but I want you to come and get the rest of your stuff from the basement." So, I did the next day and that's the last time she and I ever spoke to or saw each other.

She has no idea I'm here and if she does, she doesn't care. I'm sure deep down she doesn't hate me, but I don't know.

I'm beginning to think I was adopted or something. I'm NOTHING like my mom.

dove95

06-18-2001, 07:43 PM

I have three main thoughts in my head at this particular point in my life:
1. I hope this job is legit. It's for a law firm in the Empire State building, but that's all I really know.
2. I hope if the job is legit, I can find a place to live.
3. I wonder if it came down to it, would Seb meet me to save me rather than his fear of hurting me? Will he come around? Do I give up on trying to control this? Ugh... I just get sick of waiting for fate.

And, oh my goodness... I was talking to my sister about all this and she said, "He sounds like a wise man." Mind you, this is coming from an 18 year old.
"Huh?"
"Well, I understand why he says it. He'd rather wait for the right moment than to risk what you have now."
"I don't understand it and you do?"
"You wouldn't understand until you felt the same thing."
"So, I'm supposed to rely on fate?"
"Yep. If it happens, it is meant to be. If it doesn't, then it's not."
"Well, that sucks!"
"I know..."
"But how can he say he loves me without knowing what I look like?"
"Because it's not about that to him. He cares more about you as the person than your looks."
"That's good?"
"Duh... yeah!
"Just hang in there, it'll happen if it's supposed to."

Sometimes she amazes me. And, I suppose that they are both right... it's probably better if he and I talk more and get to know each other more.

However, on the same token, I sometimes think that life's too short to just sit around and wait on Fate to tell you what to do.

It was odd... yesterday, I was walking to the subway, crossing the street without even looking at anything. I just had him on my mind, thinking, "But if he loves me, wouldn't he want to experience it to the fullest extent?" Little did I know a car was about 20 feet from hitting me. I wonder sometimes what would happen if I hadn't looked up to see it.
Would I have been hit and killed on impact?
Would anyone care?
Would anyone feel that the world just ended?
Would anyone come to my funeral?
Would people remember me for years to come?
Would someone want to immortalize me and publish all these morbid thoughts I have?

Seb asked me, "Why do you want to meet me so much?"

Well, why does anyone want anything? Why does anyone want to buy that CD? Why does anyone want to eat? Why does anyone want to sleep? Why does anyone want shelter? Why does anyone want to be in a loving relationship?

Because there's a need for it. You and I can't ignore it.

dove95

06-20-2001, 03:36 PM

Well, I just got done with meeting with Mr. Singer (not sure if that's his real name or not, but even so...) Things are looking good, but also pretty tight. The office in the Empire State building isn't totally set up yet, so I have to wait until I work next at the net cafe to find out when we can meet up again. Hopefully Thursday so I can get this ball rolling. Even still tho, I need a place to live. I want to help Jess find a place (since my roommate is for sure moving out by the end of the month), but I don't know what types of things to look for for her.

Anyway, I did find out more about the job. It'll pay around $25K a year, which is what Jess makes and I could support myself on that. Two weeks of paid vacation w/ 4 sick days. Medical benefits is only 50%, but we'll see. It's a law firm, so he said that they'd have to train me on that, but he'd really like to try me out. I sure hope I get paid for training and whatnot.

Kinda scary of what's all happening, but I'm not giving up yet.

P.S. Update... I now meet with him on Monday to meet one of his associates. ARGH! I just hope this doesn't fall through and I have someone to stay with. I'm getting so scared...

dove95

06-20-2001, 03:43 PM

Fuck planned parenthood! Fuck them with a big dildo and make it hurt!
If I had a gun, I'd go in there and shoot their brains out... if they had any brains, that is.

Awhile back, I had a big mess with them and supposedly the PP back in Springfield was supposed to have sent my prescription for my birth control to the CVS by where I'm currently located. Then, this CVS was supposed to have called me when they got the prescription filled. They never called me and then, I ran out of money.

In the mean time, I've had sex two times since my last menustration cycle. One of the times, the condom slipped and got stuck inside me. The guy hadn't orgasmed, but still. It worries me. It's still early and because I'm not on the pill anymore (because PP screwed me the first time!), I'm probably going to be irregular now since I wasn't regular in the first place!

Fuck fuck fuck! I sure hope it's just a scare as to why I haven't gotten my period yet. This is so what I don't need now. It's hard enough I have to deal with the fact that I don't know where I'm going to be living in two weeks from now. Last thing I need right now is how I'm going to face myself if I am pregnant and what choice I would have to make if I am.

And fuck you if you don't understand.

PS. My goal is to buy an ept tonight. Not that this is going to affect anything, but please pray that I'm not preggers. I just know that if I'm not, I've learned my lesson. I'm NOT ever going to have sex until I know for sure about what's going on with my body and until I'm in a serious relationship. Sometimes I think I'm fucking stupid for having casual sex like that... but damn... he was hot...

Okay, I'm stopping here...

dove95

06-21-2001, 04:09 PM

Well, Rod, the guy who I thought got me preggers... he and I met up last night. He bought me the ept test and we decided to go see "Angel Eyes" just cuz I had already seen "Bridget Jones's Diary" and we didn't feel like waiting until 10:15 to see "Memento." Sooo, the movie was good. It hit home, even tho it was ultra-predictable... the issues of fate and family. Wow... even tho I was sitting next to this hottie, I kept thinking about Seb. He told me that if I could find him in Times Square at noon, I could be his for forever. I don't think I'm that crazy about him yet to try to search him out tho. Unless he gave me a specific location... No, that would be wrong for me to alter my schedule for someone who doesn't even want to meet me yet.

Anyway, so I went to sleep and surprising, my friend Jessica was there sleeping too. About midpoint through the sleeping, I almost rolled over and cuddled her... AGAIN. This is the third time she's actually slept over since moving in, but still. I love Jess and all, but when I'm asleep, I mistake her for a warm caring man who actually wants me to cuddle them.

I sometimes think I should be a lesbian since I cuddle more than I get cuddled. Like what straight guy really wants to be cuddled?

So, at 11:30 today, I took the ept. Waited the longest 3-5 minutes of my life in my bedroom as the test did its thing. At 11:34, I crept into the bathroom... peered at the test from afar... saw only one line... and sighed of relief.

NEGATIVE!!

There is one more ept thingie in the box so when I anticipate on when I should get my period next month... if I don't get it, I'll test again. I'm just thinking that it's because of my not being on the pill anymore is why my body is thinking its wacky.

Seriously tho... NO sex until I'm either a) back on the pill or using some other birth control besides the rubber, b) in a loving relationship, c) all of the above, or d) I'm with a woman.

At this point in my life, all I want is a hug.

That and a place to live.

dove95

06-22-2001, 02:00 PM

Fleming & John and Ani Difranco's Dilate have been my modes of survival these last couple weeks.

I really need a place to live and clench this job at the law firm.

I had a messed up dream last night. Jessica and I were lying in the same bed... we reach for these toys. She's using my vib and there was like this other dildo thing... so we're both playing with ourselves in my bed. Moaning and stuff... I pull the toy out of myself and there's blood all over white sheets and on the toy. I was like, "yes, I finally got my period!" in my head...

but that's when I woke up and still not bleeding... argh!

Yeah. I'm so nutritious. Brownie and diet coke for lunch.

go me, yay! *LOL*

Hope anyone who's reading this is doing okay :)

dove95

06-24-2001, 02:26 PM

I would like to take this opportunity to tell anyone and perhaps myself later in life... that...

NJ Transit sucks on Sundays!!

First off, the schedules that they have released recently for Sundays... I have two complaints. One, they are NEVER on time. Two, I really think they should have two buses running per hour, both ways. Because as soon as I stepped on, the driver said, "Standing only," but I didn't have any choice because I had to get here at the cafe by 11:00 and it was already like 9:45 AM.

So, sheesh... it was CROWDED! I don't think I've ever been in a bus that crowded even during the morning hours when I've had to get here at 8 AM. Plus, the driver was driving like a maniac... so i had to keep shifting my weight around... I'm wearing my butterfly jeans so the only thing that kept me sane was hoping someone was checking my butt out. :e

yeah, right...

Very uneventful weekend, except that I am pretty excited that I got over 2000 posts... must pass Owen *teehee*

David's presence was in a dream last night, but that's about it. Still no pics and he never emails me back. The bastard :p

I miss being in love... I miss having someone to love. I'm tired of meeting these people who are mediocre. I'm just tired, I guess.

I NEED THAT JOB! They better stop jerking me around and get the ball rolling...