god damn this noise inside my head

[Slow Climb]

i've been trying to find the energy to post a thread in here for two or three weeks now. i haven't had the energy to do anything...even stupid simple things like email people...or write out this post.
i bought someone a gift a month and a half ago...and it's STILL sitting on my damn desk. i just haven't been able to do anything, even go to the post office.
there are so many people i want to buy gifts for...and make things for...even last year, when i was at my worst, i made cards for people. this year i can't do anything. i feel paralyzed.
i'm just gonna rant in this post...probably sound really whiny...but...whatever. i can't even remember what i wanted to type up anyway.
i hate getting gifts for christmas...they always make me feel really guilty...because i'm taking...and i don't give enough. i also feel terrible when i'm with the family...like, i'm not good enough for them...i'm not what they want. i'm going to have to see my aunt and uncle today or tomorrow...and my six little cousins. my cousins are cute and all...but my aunt and uncle are extremely strict catholic, right-wing, hardcore republicans. they're probably going to try and keep me away from the kids. i dress "sluty" in their eyes (i like fishnets, what can i say?)...i like goth fashion, i think it's gorgeous (i'm a lovely combo of glitter goth, glam, and morbid goth...it's beautiful)...so that means that i worship the devil and eat children. they better hide the new baby from me...i just might stick him in the roasting pan. god dammit. they piss me off. i was talking about them with my mom...and i came up with a hypothetical situation. i said, "mom, if i was gay...and i came out of the closet, and let the whole family know...would michael (my uncle) keep his children away from me?" she said he absolutely would. and then i went to my room and cried...because i was so disappointed. i'm not gay...but if i have anything "wrong" with me...anything un-catholic about me...i won't be allowed to see my little cousins until they're adults, and decide they want to see me.
FUCK.
families are so annoying.
my father pissed me off royally. i came to the realization that if he wasn't a relative of mine...i would not want to know him...i would not want anything to do with him. but since he's my dad...i get to put up with all his shit. even on fucking christmas he was telling me to shut the fuck up...and that i'm a stupid bitch...and all this shit. just because i didn't want to give him the tv remote. i hate him.
oh, and i'm hearing voices again. YIPPEE. isn't that great? the other day...when i was freaking out...i heard a woman say "are you ok?"...it was loud and clear and scared the shit out of me. two days ago i heard a little boy asking for help. last night i didn't hear a voice...but i heard all this scratching at my door...but no one was there...my cat was sleeping right next to me. i'm sure hearing things is a great sign of mental health.
i sometimes cut and hurt myself, and i don't see anything wrong with that. i used to think it was a problem...but now i think it's perfectly ok.
i'll just shut up now...because i'm feeling increasingly stupid...and i just want to stop.
so. that's all. bah on everything.

[already in there]

hi sweetie.

i know what you mean about family. if you didn't share blood with them there would really be no connection.

about anything else, if you ever want to talk, I'm on aim as borneosmommy or purple munkee most of the time.

and you're not stupid. so there.

[jcldragon]

It certainly sounds like your crazy relatives are driving you crazy. Closed-minded people have no learning curve. They have learned all they are going to learn from life already, and the rest is just marking time, running on reflex & inertia.

Let your Dad have the remote. Haven't you ever watched, "Married with Children"?

For the depression of the Holidays, which is caused by everybody's unrealistic expectations, try taking 100mg of B Complex vitamins with a meal, every day. That, and the end of the Holiday season, usually works.

If you have any offline friends who ALWAYS can make you smile, try to spend some time around them.

[YosemiteBear]

Hi Raven. I can't offer much help but I have AIM if you ever want to talk. I'm having a bad case of post-holiday blues right now. The thing about Christmas is I always want it to be over, and then it is, and I'm let down. I feel so bad right now. I just got back from visiting my family and now I'm back in my little apartment, 250 miles from the closest relative (haha... that probably sounds great to you right now and I wouldn't blame you). My family makes me crazy too but I miss them so much right now. I am homesick and I feel like I'm too old to be homesick.. I've lived on my own for a while. I feel like my life is nowhere near where I want it and I don't have much to look forward to. This time of year is so hard for a lot of people (am I the only one who's noticed all the Prozac ads on TV lately?) I'm going to wrap this up because I don't seem to have a point here... but I just wanted to empathize.

[twin-peekaboo]

Raven... i don't have any words to make you feel better because i am not in your situation... but i am here to listen. anytime... please feel free to chat with me.

xoxo, sara b

[jcldragon]

And I am usually around, at least on ICQ, and will, spend some time helping anybody, who ISN"T a bully. I refuse to help bullies.

[Slow Climb]

thanks for the replies you guys...

i think i'll use this thread to rant and such about crap. heh. sounds good to me.

i am tired. all the time...i could sleep all day and be happy with that. i can't clean my room...so i just have piles of stuff all over...and i lay in the piles all day...sometimes sleep in them
it's so frustrating to have no motivation and no energy for anything...if only i was allowed to just sit around and do nothing at all ever.
but...while i'm tired all day...i don't like sleeping at night...nightmares are so bad...i feel like such a wimp, getting scared at the things that my mind comes up with while i sleep...but it's ridiculous. it's like my dreams have no purpose other than to scare the shit out of me. i'm such a violent sleeper...i've hurt people who shared beds with me...and i've hurt myself by slamming my head into glass tables, and punching myself and the walls.
and...really...doesn't it sound so cliche...hearing fucking voices. i always joked about that...because i didn't think it was real, like...i always thought crazy people just made that up.
everything is poop. say it loud...POOOOOOP. heh. i'm sure i'll be back with more ramblings later...thanks again for the replies...

[Snow White]

<font color=purple> {{{{Raven}}}}
I wish I had more to offer you then an online hug.
Please IM me if you would ever like to talk, I will always listen.

[what's my perversion]

There is only one thing I can say that may help:

Ramble, let it all come out, and soon the burden will hide until you feel like popping again.

I know how you feel, really, as I know most of us do. YOu need to talk, tell everything, even though in your head it makes tons of sense, but once you type it and read it, you think it's stupid. Well it's not. It may seem like it to you, but we're all in the same boat. And as for the SI, there's a lot of people who do it, and yes it begins to be normal for us, but if you have to discuss it with someone, try one of us, becuase we'll always know where you're coming from, and how it feels. Everyone else will pretend to pity you, even though they will never really understand. keep cool, and it will be better soon, i promise.

ALC

[iciclespark]

hey hon....

aren't voices the fucking best? mine keep popping in again.......... i've been sleeping btter and that shut them up...... ugh...... mine usually yell at me.....

take good care...... it's 6am and i can't think but i love ya....... i'm around on icq....... i hide a lot so message me even if it says i'm not online chances are i am......

[sullensiren]

Just suck a cock and everything will be better...it works for me every fucking time!!!!!!!!!!

[sullensiren]

I'll come over and clean your room for you,i love cleaning,that's my disorder...

[Mentia]

Hi, Raven.

I know what it's like to have a shitty family. I love my parents and they're pretty decent folk overall, but everyone else who's related to me is either dead or evil. The Xmas before last, I spent the Xmas Eve from hell at my uncle's house. They're all very conservative and completely racist, sexist and homophobic, especially my uncle Bill. So, we were all just sitting around and talking, and my uncle starts verbally slamming this boy that's in the same grade as my cousin John and goes to his school, because he wears dresses and is generally "freaky" (i.e. dresses goth). He started saying that he couldn't believe his son had to go to school with this faggot, and that he hopes someone shoots the guy. Well, I'm very liberal about homosexuality, so I spoke up about it. Everyone turned against me. My godmother started talking about how even tho she thinks gay people don't deserve to die, it physically sickens her to even see two men dancing together in a movie. My cousins chimed in that they should be sent off to an island. My grandfather started in on the fucking Bible, then, saying how they're defective people that will go to hell according to god's word. Then I say "well maybe the bible's wrong" and oh god, that was a bad idea for me to say. Anyway, you get the idea. I ran from the house crying and just spent an hour on the patio sobbing. None of them knew I was bisexual, and even if I wasn't, it still depressed me that these people were related to me. Knowone came to my defense, even my parents..they were silent, even tho they are liberal people themselves.

So, yeah. I know what shitty family is like. And I know what being afraid to sleep is like. I have had such vivid and intense nightmares these past few weeks that I dread sleeping. I haven't been as depressed as I am now in a long time.

Raven, I think I was really mean to you at some poin. I believe I made light of your problems, and for that I am truly sorry. I can be a really cruel and insensitive and generally retarded individual. This is one of the reasons I loathe myself so.


Annemarie

Hello Raven.

I think it's a good thing that you're venting.
Something's coming out, you're not allowing it to simply eat away at you.

It somewhat comforts me to know that I'm not the only one not exactly loving life at this point. We're probably going through completely different things right now but if you ever need support, feel free to contact me on AIM.

-m.u.